Sunday, August 7, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
According to President Bush’s most recent physical, he’s the most fit president in history. He’s in the 99 percentile for men 55 to 59 years old. And Dick Cheney is in the 1 percentile. So together they’re 100%. You can’t do better than that!
Doctors said that President Bush's only bad habit is he smokes an occasional cigar. Bush says he smokes cigars to help him think. So lucky he’s not smoking that often.
Let’s just hope those cigars aren’t left over from the Clinton administration. Oh my God!
As you know by now, Rafael Palmeiro was suspended for violating baseball’s steroid policy. At the congressional hearings, Rafael Palmeiro categorically denied ever using steroids. Kind of makes you miss the straight forward honesty of Pete Rose doesn’t it?
You know what’s great? Little more than an hour after the Rafael Palmeiro suspension, President Bush defended him. How does that make Karl Rove feel? It took President Bush a month to say anything about him.
President Bush says he believes Rafael Palmeiro when he says he didn't take steroids even though he tested positive for them. You know that whole weapons of mass destruction thing beginning to make more sense now.
It’s reported that Jose Canseco says he used to inject steroids in Rafael Palmeiro’s buttocks. Is this a good idea - pulling down the pants of a guy on Viagra?
Letterman
It’s so hot out that over at the Central Park Zoo the penguins were marching to Ben and Jerry’s.
It was so hot out today that the guys were applying sun block before urinating in Time Square.
President Bush is about to go on his three week vacation. They call this a working vacation. President Bush will be kicking back. I’m thinking – does this guy every kick forward?
Leno
According to President Bush’s most recent physical, he’s the most fit president in history. He’s in the 99 percentile for men 55 to 59 years old. And Dick Cheney is in the 1 percentile. So together they’re 100%. You can’t do better than that!
Doctors said that President Bush's only bad habit is he smokes an occasional cigar. Bush says he smokes cigars to help him think. So lucky he’s not smoking that often.
Let’s just hope those cigars aren’t left over from the Clinton administration. Oh my God!
As you know by now, Rafael Palmeiro was suspended for violating baseball’s steroid policy. At the congressional hearings, Rafael Palmeiro categorically denied ever using steroids. Kind of makes you miss the straight forward honesty of Pete Rose doesn’t it?
You know what’s great? Little more than an hour after the Rafael Palmeiro suspension, President Bush defended him. How does that make Karl Rove feel? It took President Bush a month to say anything about him.
President Bush says he believes Rafael Palmeiro when he says he didn't take steroids even though he tested positive for them. You know that whole weapons of mass destruction thing beginning to make more sense now.
It’s reported that Jose Canseco says he used to inject steroids in Rafael Palmeiro’s buttocks. Is this a good idea - pulling down the pants of a guy on Viagra?
Letterman
It’s so hot out that over at the Central Park Zoo the penguins were marching to Ben and Jerry’s.
It was so hot out today that the guys were applying sun block before urinating in Time Square.
President Bush is about to go on his three week vacation. They call this a working vacation. President Bush will be kicking back. I’m thinking – does this guy every kick forward?
