Sunday, July 3, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Letterman
It’s hot outside. Just lousy hot. I had a dilemma this morning on my way to work in the cab. Do I roll up the window to keep the air conditioning in, or roll the window down to air out the driver?
It’s muggy and sticky. So sticky out that over at Flashdancers they had to peel a girl off of the pole!
The crime rate in New York City is down. It’s never been lower. You know what I think it is? Things have been better since we’ve switched to the honor system.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At A July Fourth Barbecue
1. "I don't think that's mayonnaise in the cole slaw."
2. "My hot dog has a knuckle!"
3. "I'm afraid the only fireworks tonight are between me and your wife."
4. "All right, detainees, line up over here for your gitmo-style powdered baked beans."
5. "Hey look, it's Earnest Borgnine - oh, sorry lady."
6. "I'd like to tell you why scientology is so important to me."
7. "Oh God, Letterman's shirtless again!"
8. "To give it a little 'kick,' I put charcoal starter in the punch!"
9. "Take a photo of me lighting this cigar with an M-80."
10."Beef is great, but squirrel's so much cheaper."
Conan
Britney Spears is pregnant. She just confirmed this today, though she says she doesn’t know what the sex of the baby is. What we do know is that the baby will most likely be named after a character from the "Dukes of Hazard”.
Today President Bush met with the American Association of Newspaper Editors. He thanked everyone for Marmaduke.
Letterman
It’s hot outside. Just lousy hot. I had a dilemma this morning on my way to work in the cab. Do I roll up the window to keep the air conditioning in, or roll the window down to air out the driver?
It’s muggy and sticky. So sticky out that over at Flashdancers they had to peel a girl off of the pole!
The crime rate in New York City is down. It’s never been lower. You know what I think it is? Things have been better since we’ve switched to the honor system.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At A July Fourth Barbecue
1. "I don't think that's mayonnaise in the cole slaw."
2. "My hot dog has a knuckle!"
3. "I'm afraid the only fireworks tonight are between me and your wife."
4. "All right, detainees, line up over here for your gitmo-style powdered baked beans."
5. "Hey look, it's Earnest Borgnine - oh, sorry lady."
6. "I'd like to tell you why scientology is so important to me."
7. "Oh God, Letterman's shirtless again!"
8. "To give it a little 'kick,' I put charcoal starter in the punch!"
9. "Take a photo of me lighting this cigar with an M-80."
10."Beef is great, but squirrel's so much cheaper."
Conan
Britney Spears is pregnant. She just confirmed this today, though she says she doesn’t know what the sex of the baby is. What we do know is that the baby will most likely be named after a character from the "Dukes of Hazard”.
Today President Bush met with the American Association of Newspaper Editors. He thanked everyone for Marmaduke.
