Thursday, July 28, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Welcome to Burbank, or as we call it God’s Lean Mean Grilling Machine. What was it 102?
Another here today in Los Angeles. I tell you, I was sweatin’ like Jessica Simpson trying to put a CD into her iPod.
It was so hot, Hillary Clinton just stayed inside today and played "Grand Theft Auto”.
The Shuttle Discovery took off today from Florida. Although, you may have heard, it was then diverted to Bangor, Maine when the Middle Eastern astronaut began acting suspiciously.
The launch was successful although NASA is reporting an unidentified piece of debris flew off the side of the space shuttle during lift-off from Florida. Did you see that? It just flew off the side of the shuttle. Turns out, it was just a couple of really lost Cubans. They grab onto anything.
According to the "New York Post”, Osama bin Laden had a plot to poison cocaine and sell it here in America. This is part of Osama’s plan to destroy show business. You can bet Hollywood’s behind Bush now.
The Colombian drug lords Osama approached, however, decided against it. Boy, it’s pretty bad when we have to rely on the kindness of Colombian drug lords to ensure our safety. That God for the Escobar family.
On this date in 1990, President Bush signed into law the Americans With Disabilities Act. Which allowed his son George W. to become President of the United States.
Some Democrats are very worried about President Bush’s Supreme Court nominee, John Roberts. Seems like a nice man. They think he may be a threat to the endangered species list. See Democrats have been worried about the endangered species list ever since they found they were on it.
Another big celebrity breakup – the AFL-CIO.
This is a huge story - the Service Employees and the Teamsters want to leave the AFL-CIO. This is the biggest setback to the American workers since the nation of India.
There’s been a lot of talk that "The Dukes of Hazard” movie strays from the original TV series. That’s what they say, it strays from the original. You know what that means, apparently it has a plot.
Huge drug bust in Florida yesterday. Nine hundred pounds discovered inside a gym locker. Then they realized, it’s just Ricky Williams rejoining the Dolphins.
Happy Birthday to Barry Bonds. Barry Bonds is 41. He celebrated quietly with a bottle of clean urine.
Today is Mick Jagger’s birthday. Well, at least that’s according to archaeologists.
While visiting Kenya, former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter, Chelsea, by a love struck government official. Bill said, "No way!” How does that make Hillary feel? Bill almost gave her up for one cow.
Letterman
It’s hot out! It’s so hot out that I stopped at Ben and Jerry’s for a scoop of ice cream and the guy at the counter asked if I wanted that in a cup, cone, or in my pants.
It’s so hot in D.C. that Dick Cheney replaced his pacemaker with an icemaker.
The Teamsters have split from the AFL-CIO. The blame has been put on Angelina Jolie.
We’re learning more and more about John Roberts, the nominee for Supreme Court. He’s from Indiana. He was captain of his high school football team. He graduated from Harvard in three years. It’s like I have a twin!
Lance Armstrong has won his seventh Tour de France. Now he’s going to retire. He’s going to start his own bicycle messenger service.
NASA had a successful launch today. This is an ambitious time for NASA. By 2015 they hope to put a man on Janet Reno.
Leno
Welcome to Burbank, or as we call it God’s Lean Mean Grilling Machine. What was it 102?
Another here today in Los Angeles. I tell you, I was sweatin’ like Jessica Simpson trying to put a CD into her iPod.
It was so hot, Hillary Clinton just stayed inside today and played "Grand Theft Auto”.
The Shuttle Discovery took off today from Florida. Although, you may have heard, it was then diverted to Bangor, Maine when the Middle Eastern astronaut began acting suspiciously.
The launch was successful although NASA is reporting an unidentified piece of debris flew off the side of the space shuttle during lift-off from Florida. Did you see that? It just flew off the side of the shuttle. Turns out, it was just a couple of really lost Cubans. They grab onto anything.
According to the "New York Post”, Osama bin Laden had a plot to poison cocaine and sell it here in America. This is part of Osama’s plan to destroy show business. You can bet Hollywood’s behind Bush now.
The Colombian drug lords Osama approached, however, decided against it. Boy, it’s pretty bad when we have to rely on the kindness of Colombian drug lords to ensure our safety. That God for the Escobar family.
On this date in 1990, President Bush signed into law the Americans With Disabilities Act. Which allowed his son George W. to become President of the United States.
Some Democrats are very worried about President Bush’s Supreme Court nominee, John Roberts. Seems like a nice man. They think he may be a threat to the endangered species list. See Democrats have been worried about the endangered species list ever since they found they were on it.
Another big celebrity breakup – the AFL-CIO.
This is a huge story - the Service Employees and the Teamsters want to leave the AFL-CIO. This is the biggest setback to the American workers since the nation of India.
There’s been a lot of talk that "The Dukes of Hazard” movie strays from the original TV series. That’s what they say, it strays from the original. You know what that means, apparently it has a plot.
Huge drug bust in Florida yesterday. Nine hundred pounds discovered inside a gym locker. Then they realized, it’s just Ricky Williams rejoining the Dolphins.
Happy Birthday to Barry Bonds. Barry Bonds is 41. He celebrated quietly with a bottle of clean urine.
Today is Mick Jagger’s birthday. Well, at least that’s according to archaeologists.
While visiting Kenya, former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter, Chelsea, by a love struck government official. Bill said, "No way!” How does that make Hillary feel? Bill almost gave her up for one cow.
Letterman
It’s hot out! It’s so hot out that I stopped at Ben and Jerry’s for a scoop of ice cream and the guy at the counter asked if I wanted that in a cup, cone, or in my pants.
It’s so hot in D.C. that Dick Cheney replaced his pacemaker with an icemaker.
The Teamsters have split from the AFL-CIO. The blame has been put on Angelina Jolie.
We’re learning more and more about John Roberts, the nominee for Supreme Court. He’s from Indiana. He was captain of his high school football team. He graduated from Harvard in three years. It’s like I have a twin!
Lance Armstrong has won his seventh Tour de France. Now he’s going to retire. He’s going to start his own bicycle messenger service.
NASA had a successful launch today. This is an ambitious time for NASA. By 2015 they hope to put a man on Janet Reno.
