Sunday, July 10, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Today in Washington D.C., Vice President Dick Cheney went in for his annual "heart checkup” with doctors. Actually, he doesn’t even need to go in personally. He just drops his heart off, then comes back for it in the afternoon.
The White House announced today that next month Vice President Dick Cheney will get a colonoscopy. It’s important that you get these on a regular basis. You know, the last time he had one, they found one polyp and three oil company executives up there.
President Bush has named former Senator Fred Thompson, who’s now starring on NBC’s "Law and Order,” to oversee the selection process for his Supreme Court nominee. President Bush chose an actor. In fact, he originally tried to get Screech from "Saved by The Bell,” apparently he was busy.
The British people are standing tough after yesterday’s terrible bombings. The Olympics will still go on…London buses were up and running today. So God bless them. And London will recover because the British are tough. They put up with the Nazis, they put up with al Qaeda, they even put up with Madonna, these people can handle anything.
In an article in "USA Today”, Senator Olympia Snowe from Maine says that terrorists will try to take advantage of our coast guard’s aging fleet once they find out its weaknesses. How will they find out about our weaknesses? By an article in "USA Today”!
In fact, many in Washington say that if the coast guard’s ships aren’t replaced soon, they will be unable to keep out drugs and illegal aliens from entering our country. God forbid that should ever happen – imagine what this place would be like if they illegal aliens and drugs were able to get in here?
The Governor of Missouri has announced the state will no longer pay for Viagra for poor and low income people. Well you thought Branson was depressing before. Now there’s nothing to do after a night at the Tony Orlando Theater.
On the bright side. The poor people said today they won’t have any hard feelings about this.
There’s been a lot of shark attacks lately especially in Florida. In fact, the sharks are getting more and more brazen. Did you see what happened today? Two sharks held up a 7/11 in Barstow, pistol-whipped the clerk.
Here’s something odd - according to "Maxim” magazine, the best way to clean your toilet is to drop 2 vitamin c tablets into it, wait 2 hours and then flush. Do you really need to drop vitamins into a toilet? Couldn’t you just drink a couple glasses of orange juice and come back two hours later?
Angelina Jolie is in Ethiopia to adopt an orphaned baby girl. Didn’t see just adopt a kid last month? What was his name? Oh, Brad Pitt.
As you know rapper, Lil’ Kim is going to prison. So move over Saddam Hussein. Finally a prisoner we want to see in their underwear.
Leno
Today in Washington D.C., Vice President Dick Cheney went in for his annual "heart checkup” with doctors. Actually, he doesn’t even need to go in personally. He just drops his heart off, then comes back for it in the afternoon.
The White House announced today that next month Vice President Dick Cheney will get a colonoscopy. It’s important that you get these on a regular basis. You know, the last time he had one, they found one polyp and three oil company executives up there.
President Bush has named former Senator Fred Thompson, who’s now starring on NBC’s "Law and Order,” to oversee the selection process for his Supreme Court nominee. President Bush chose an actor. In fact, he originally tried to get Screech from "Saved by The Bell,” apparently he was busy.
The British people are standing tough after yesterday’s terrible bombings. The Olympics will still go on…London buses were up and running today. So God bless them. And London will recover because the British are tough. They put up with the Nazis, they put up with al Qaeda, they even put up with Madonna, these people can handle anything.
In an article in "USA Today”, Senator Olympia Snowe from Maine says that terrorists will try to take advantage of our coast guard’s aging fleet once they find out its weaknesses. How will they find out about our weaknesses? By an article in "USA Today”!
In fact, many in Washington say that if the coast guard’s ships aren’t replaced soon, they will be unable to keep out drugs and illegal aliens from entering our country. God forbid that should ever happen – imagine what this place would be like if they illegal aliens and drugs were able to get in here?
The Governor of Missouri has announced the state will no longer pay for Viagra for poor and low income people. Well you thought Branson was depressing before. Now there’s nothing to do after a night at the Tony Orlando Theater.
On the bright side. The poor people said today they won’t have any hard feelings about this.
There’s been a lot of shark attacks lately especially in Florida. In fact, the sharks are getting more and more brazen. Did you see what happened today? Two sharks held up a 7/11 in Barstow, pistol-whipped the clerk.
Here’s something odd - according to "Maxim” magazine, the best way to clean your toilet is to drop 2 vitamin c tablets into it, wait 2 hours and then flush. Do you really need to drop vitamins into a toilet? Couldn’t you just drink a couple glasses of orange juice and come back two hours later?
Angelina Jolie is in Ethiopia to adopt an orphaned baby girl. Didn’t see just adopt a kid last month? What was his name? Oh, Brad Pitt.
As you know rapper, Lil’ Kim is going to prison. So move over Saddam Hussein. Finally a prisoner we want to see in their underwear.
