Thursday, July 21, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Thank you for coming out on the hottest day of the year so far. It was 107 today. People are sweating like Michael Jackson looking at pictures of Harry Potter.
It was so hot illegal aliens were passing through California and heading straight to Canada.
It was so hot interrogators at Guantanamo Bay were letting inmates go braless.
President Bush did not name a Supreme Court nominee over the weekend. Well sure between "Harry Potter” and "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory”. Where do we find the time?
Chief Justice William Rehnquist denied reports that he’s going to retire for health reasons. He said that during an interview on the show "crossing over.”
President Bush welcomed the Prime Minister of India to the White House today. Bush said, "While you’re here can you look at my computer for a second?”
I thought this was nice – earlier today Martha Stewart showed Karl Rove how to slip off an ankle monitor.
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has called for an investigation of the video game Grand Theft Auto after finding hidden sex in the game. I don’t know, is Hillary the best one to go looking for hidden sex? If Hillary was any good at finding it, her husband wouldn't have been impeached.
According to a new poll, Americans said they waste two hours a day at work. Or as the Dodgers call that…a game.
As you know the Dodgers are not looking good. In fact they are doing so bad congress is demanding they start using steroids.
I read this story today. Down in Hollywood, they’re about to open a "gay retirement center”. You know, I didn’t even know you could retire from being gay. Are the guys going, "Whew, I did it for 40 years…enough!”
In Germany, a woman that won a beauty contest admitted that she used to be a man. So congratulations to Camilla Parker Bowles.
Leno
Thank you for coming out on the hottest day of the year so far. It was 107 today. People are sweating like Michael Jackson looking at pictures of Harry Potter.
It was so hot illegal aliens were passing through California and heading straight to Canada.
It was so hot interrogators at Guantanamo Bay were letting inmates go braless.
President Bush did not name a Supreme Court nominee over the weekend. Well sure between "Harry Potter” and "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory”. Where do we find the time?
Chief Justice William Rehnquist denied reports that he’s going to retire for health reasons. He said that during an interview on the show "crossing over.”
President Bush welcomed the Prime Minister of India to the White House today. Bush said, "While you’re here can you look at my computer for a second?”
I thought this was nice – earlier today Martha Stewart showed Karl Rove how to slip off an ankle monitor.
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has called for an investigation of the video game Grand Theft Auto after finding hidden sex in the game. I don’t know, is Hillary the best one to go looking for hidden sex? If Hillary was any good at finding it, her husband wouldn't have been impeached.
According to a new poll, Americans said they waste two hours a day at work. Or as the Dodgers call that…a game.
As you know the Dodgers are not looking good. In fact they are doing so bad congress is demanding they start using steroids.
I read this story today. Down in Hollywood, they’re about to open a "gay retirement center”. You know, I didn’t even know you could retire from being gay. Are the guys going, "Whew, I did it for 40 years…enough!”
In Germany, a woman that won a beauty contest admitted that she used to be a man. So congratulations to Camilla Parker Bowles.
