Saturday, June 25, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
What a crowd! You sound like the Saudi royal family when oil hit $60 a barrel.
As I’m sure you know by now, oil has hit a new high, $60 a barrel. In fact, the price of oil is so high that today President Bush called the Saudi prince he was holding hands with and said, "How about dinner and a movie?”
In fact, when asked today what effect these prices would have on the average car owner, President Bush said, "Not much because most Americans buy oil in little cans. They don’t buy the big barrels.”
Saddam Hussein is 100% certain that he will one day return to power. You know, kind of like the Clintons.
Speaking of that, former President Clinton said yesterday that the prison at Guantanamo Bay "should either be cleaned-up or closed down.” You know, there was a time when people were saying that about the Oval Office.
The founder of Adelphia Cable got 15 years in prison for looting the company. Isn’t that amazing? Even the cable company steals from the cable company!
Turns out the jury was made up of 12 people with satellite dishes.
Here’s some great news: an 11-year-old boy scout who disappeared in the mountains of Utah late last week has been found perfectly healthy. It turns out, when he heard about the acquittal; he was just hiding from Michael Jackson.
McDonald’s announced they are coming out with its own line of clothing aimed at McDonalds customers. Don’t we have that already? Aren’t they called moo-moo’s?
Letterman
The thing I like about New York City is that there’s always something going on. Like this week for instance is Gay Pride Week. So if you see a guy wearing tights, a cape and a mask – it may not be Batman.
It’s Gay Pride Week, or as the hookers in Time Square call it – a week off.
You can tell its summer because today Saddam switched to Cool Ranch Doritos.
Did you hear that? Saddam Hussein loves Doritos. You can’t buy publicity like that. If you’re a snack food company, you would want that endorsement.
Saddam got hooked on Doritos at Chemical Ali’s Super Bowl party.
Leno
What a crowd! You sound like the Saudi royal family when oil hit $60 a barrel.
As I’m sure you know by now, oil has hit a new high, $60 a barrel. In fact, the price of oil is so high that today President Bush called the Saudi prince he was holding hands with and said, "How about dinner and a movie?”
In fact, when asked today what effect these prices would have on the average car owner, President Bush said, "Not much because most Americans buy oil in little cans. They don’t buy the big barrels.”
Saddam Hussein is 100% certain that he will one day return to power. You know, kind of like the Clintons.
Speaking of that, former President Clinton said yesterday that the prison at Guantanamo Bay "should either be cleaned-up or closed down.” You know, there was a time when people were saying that about the Oval Office.
The founder of Adelphia Cable got 15 years in prison for looting the company. Isn’t that amazing? Even the cable company steals from the cable company!
Turns out the jury was made up of 12 people with satellite dishes.
Here’s some great news: an 11-year-old boy scout who disappeared in the mountains of Utah late last week has been found perfectly healthy. It turns out, when he heard about the acquittal; he was just hiding from Michael Jackson.
McDonald’s announced they are coming out with its own line of clothing aimed at McDonalds customers. Don’t we have that already? Aren’t they called moo-moo’s?
Letterman
The thing I like about New York City is that there’s always something going on. Like this week for instance is Gay Pride Week. So if you see a guy wearing tights, a cape and a mask – it may not be Batman.
It’s Gay Pride Week, or as the hookers in Time Square call it – a week off.
You can tell its summer because today Saddam switched to Cool Ranch Doritos.
Did you hear that? Saddam Hussein loves Doritos. You can’t buy publicity like that. If you’re a snack food company, you would want that endorsement.
Saddam got hooked on Doritos at Chemical Ali’s Super Bowl party.
