Sunday, June 19, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Well the big story, the Los Angeles Police Department announced they will no longer arrest famous people who break the law. What’s the point?
I bet Russell Crowe wishes he threw that phone at somebody in Los Angeles, huh?
Pretty amazing - the jury found Michael Jackson innocent. Robert Blake innocent. O.J. Simpson innocent. Now the big question, is Phil Spector famous enough to that same get out of jail free card. Hasn’t had a hit for awhile.
Today Michael Jackson thanked all those close to him that made it all happen. You know, the little people.
It’s kind of ironic when you think about it. The only Jackson you can accuse of committing a lewd act is Janet at the Super Bowl. The one we wanted to see.
Last night in a speech, President Bush called for a complete over haul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country are still paying taxes. Can you believe that?
Yesterday the trade bank of Iraq issued the country’s first ever credit card, an Iraqi credit card. And now thanks to us, the Iraqi people are now free to borrow money at 30% interest.
As I’m sure you know, over in Iraq right now, they’re getting ready to put Saddam Hussein on trial. You know, I didn’t even know he liked little boys.
Here’s an interesting statistic - according to "Cosmo”, over 30% of men between the ages of 18 and 34 still live with their parents. These men are known as "Star Wars” fans.
Today is the opening of "Batman”. The super hero who fights for truth, justice and everything else that a California jury doesn’t.
Harley Davidson motorcycles announced they are coming out with a line of Harley pillowcases, shower curtains, soap dishes and bath rugs. Which of course means, time to sell the Harley.
Call me old fashioned, but I remember the days when Harley guys were known for not taking showers or using soap dishes?
Letterman
The New York Yankees are building a new stadium. It’s going to have a 1920’s feel to it – just like the hot dogs.
The new stadium will cost $180 million. For that price the Yankees could buy a weak hitting first baseman.
If Mike Tyson is watching – now is a good time to sell your own line of grills.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor is Batman
1. He's a recluse in a weird outfit with a young sidekick ( Sorry, that's a sign your neighbor is Michael Jackson)
2. When he goes on vacation, asks if you'll water his plants and grease his bat pole.
3. On Thanksgiving, you see green lantern holding a JELL-O mold
4. You hear him on the phone asking J. Crew if they carry seersucker cowls.
5. Introduces his parents - Carl and Linda Batman.
6. Who's banging on his door at 4 AM but an angry, knocked-up Catwoman.
7. Is re-roofing his house to fix loose shingles and grappling hook damage.
8. His teen son drove to the prom in the Batmobile.
9.When you mention Superman, he rolls his eyes and mutters, "pantywaist".
10.Always complaining about his "rubber suit rash".
Leno
Well the big story, the Los Angeles Police Department announced they will no longer arrest famous people who break the law. What’s the point?
I bet Russell Crowe wishes he threw that phone at somebody in Los Angeles, huh?
Pretty amazing - the jury found Michael Jackson innocent. Robert Blake innocent. O.J. Simpson innocent. Now the big question, is Phil Spector famous enough to that same get out of jail free card. Hasn’t had a hit for awhile.
Today Michael Jackson thanked all those close to him that made it all happen. You know, the little people.
It’s kind of ironic when you think about it. The only Jackson you can accuse of committing a lewd act is Janet at the Super Bowl. The one we wanted to see.
Last night in a speech, President Bush called for a complete over haul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country are still paying taxes. Can you believe that?
Yesterday the trade bank of Iraq issued the country’s first ever credit card, an Iraqi credit card. And now thanks to us, the Iraqi people are now free to borrow money at 30% interest.
As I’m sure you know, over in Iraq right now, they’re getting ready to put Saddam Hussein on trial. You know, I didn’t even know he liked little boys.
Here’s an interesting statistic - according to "Cosmo”, over 30% of men between the ages of 18 and 34 still live with their parents. These men are known as "Star Wars” fans.
Today is the opening of "Batman”. The super hero who fights for truth, justice and everything else that a California jury doesn’t.
Harley Davidson motorcycles announced they are coming out with a line of Harley pillowcases, shower curtains, soap dishes and bath rugs. Which of course means, time to sell the Harley.
Call me old fashioned, but I remember the days when Harley guys were known for not taking showers or using soap dishes?
Letterman
The New York Yankees are building a new stadium. It’s going to have a 1920’s feel to it – just like the hot dogs.
The new stadium will cost $180 million. For that price the Yankees could buy a weak hitting first baseman.
If Mike Tyson is watching – now is a good time to sell your own line of grills.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor is Batman
1. He's a recluse in a weird outfit with a young sidekick ( Sorry, that's a sign your neighbor is Michael Jackson)
2. When he goes on vacation, asks if you'll water his plants and grease his bat pole.
3. On Thanksgiving, you see green lantern holding a JELL-O mold
4. You hear him on the phone asking J. Crew if they carry seersucker cowls.
5. Introduces his parents - Carl and Linda Batman.
6. Who's banging on his door at 4 AM but an angry, knocked-up Catwoman.
7. Is re-roofing his house to fix loose shingles and grappling hook damage.
8. His teen son drove to the prom in the Batmobile.
9.When you mention Superman, he rolls his eyes and mutters, "pantywaist".
10.Always complaining about his "rubber suit rash".
