Saturday, June 11, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Welcome to "The Tonight Show”. A special welcome to the United States Navy. Let’s see what’s going on - as I’m sure you know, on Monday the Supreme Court ruled against the use of medical marijuana. Of course this came as a big shock to marijuana advocates, who showed up to argue the case today.
In a big speech at a fundraiser the other night, Hillary said, "I stay awake at night thinking about all the mistakes and bad decisions being made in Washington.” Well of course she was up anyway waiting for Bill to come home.
Bill Clinton’s book "My Life” is out in paperback. And he updated the book with stuff that wasn’t in the original. In fact, they mention it right on the cover. Joey, hand me that will you…. (Drop-in: Jay holds up Clinton book, on the cover we add "10 new chicks.”)
This story is everywhere. It’s been revealed that John Kerry’s grades were lower than President Bush. He had a lower grade point average than President Bush. That’s like losing a spelling bee to Jessica Simpson.
Did you hear about this? Up at the Canadian border they let a hitchhiker cross into Maine carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chainsaw stained by blood. It was Howard Dean.
The movie "Cinderella Man” made $18.6 million at the box office this past weekend. Or as Russell Crowe calls it, "bail money”.
You know about that? Russell’s been accused of throwing a telephone at an employee at a hotel in New York. To give you an idea what a macho guy Russell is, turns out it was a pay phone.
According to "Sports Illustrated”, a winery is coming out with a NASCAR wine. Which will finally answer the question, which wine goes with chili corn dogs?
Apparently there are two types of NASCAR wine: red neck or the white trash.
Conan
If Michael Jackson is convicted he could end up in the same prison as Charles Manson. Charles Manson heard this and said, "I hope not, that guy is nuts.”
Leno
Welcome to "The Tonight Show”. A special welcome to the United States Navy. Let’s see what’s going on - as I’m sure you know, on Monday the Supreme Court ruled against the use of medical marijuana. Of course this came as a big shock to marijuana advocates, who showed up to argue the case today.
In a big speech at a fundraiser the other night, Hillary said, "I stay awake at night thinking about all the mistakes and bad decisions being made in Washington.” Well of course she was up anyway waiting for Bill to come home.
Bill Clinton’s book "My Life” is out in paperback. And he updated the book with stuff that wasn’t in the original. In fact, they mention it right on the cover. Joey, hand me that will you…. (Drop-in: Jay holds up Clinton book, on the cover we add "10 new chicks.”)
This story is everywhere. It’s been revealed that John Kerry’s grades were lower than President Bush. He had a lower grade point average than President Bush. That’s like losing a spelling bee to Jessica Simpson.
Did you hear about this? Up at the Canadian border they let a hitchhiker cross into Maine carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chainsaw stained by blood. It was Howard Dean.
The movie "Cinderella Man” made $18.6 million at the box office this past weekend. Or as Russell Crowe calls it, "bail money”.
You know about that? Russell’s been accused of throwing a telephone at an employee at a hotel in New York. To give you an idea what a macho guy Russell is, turns out it was a pay phone.
According to "Sports Illustrated”, a winery is coming out with a NASCAR wine. Which will finally answer the question, which wine goes with chili corn dogs?
Apparently there are two types of NASCAR wine: red neck or the white trash.
Conan
If Michael Jackson is convicted he could end up in the same prison as Charles Manson. Charles Manson heard this and said, "I hope not, that guy is nuts.”
