Sunday, June 26, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Thank you for coming out. Boy it was hot today. It was so hot today that the runaway bride, Jennifer Wilbanks had to put sunscreen on her eyeballs.
It was 96. I was sweating like Senator Dick Durbin at an American Legion convention.
It was so hot today, American flags were bursting into flames all by themselves!
Did you here about this? The house of representatives has voted to approve a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. Which is surprising because in the past congress has always rejected any flag burning amendment. See congress feels that any form of speech no matter how vial or insulting should be permitted. They believe that because that’s how they campaigned and got elected.
Earlier this week, the prime minister of communist Vietnam met with President Bush in the oval office. Before the meeting, President Bush asked the prime minister, "So, are you from the good Vietnam, or the bad Vietnam?”
The NBA has reached a new labor agreement between the owners and the players and they’ve agreed on a minimum age of 19 for the players. You must now be 19 years old to play in the NBA. I guess they feel that 18-year olds aren’t ready to become illegitimate fathers yet.
The American Film Institute did a survey of the greatest movie lines of all time. Do you know what was ranked #1 was? Clark Gable in gone with the wind, "Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” The least-popular movie line of all time? "Popcorn and your small soda, that’ll be $9.75.”
Letterman
I hate to talk about people when they’re not here but last nights audience was dumb! Just awful. They were so dumb I thought they were an L.A. jury.
It was so nice out today. A beautiful day. It was a great day to get drunk, steal a plane and fly around Manhattan for five hours.
Conan
Martha Stewart says she will be using a different phrase than "you’re fired” on her "Apprentice” show. Instead she will be saying, "Prepare to be beaten to death!”
Mattel has announced they are taking auditions for the role of Barbie in a Barbie musical. This announcement answers that old question – what could be gayer than Ken?
Leno
Thank you for coming out. Boy it was hot today. It was so hot today that the runaway bride, Jennifer Wilbanks had to put sunscreen on her eyeballs.
It was 96. I was sweating like Senator Dick Durbin at an American Legion convention.
It was so hot today, American flags were bursting into flames all by themselves!
Did you here about this? The house of representatives has voted to approve a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. Which is surprising because in the past congress has always rejected any flag burning amendment. See congress feels that any form of speech no matter how vial or insulting should be permitted. They believe that because that’s how they campaigned and got elected.
Earlier this week, the prime minister of communist Vietnam met with President Bush in the oval office. Before the meeting, President Bush asked the prime minister, "So, are you from the good Vietnam, or the bad Vietnam?”
The NBA has reached a new labor agreement between the owners and the players and they’ve agreed on a minimum age of 19 for the players. You must now be 19 years old to play in the NBA. I guess they feel that 18-year olds aren’t ready to become illegitimate fathers yet.
The American Film Institute did a survey of the greatest movie lines of all time. Do you know what was ranked #1 was? Clark Gable in gone with the wind, "Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” The least-popular movie line of all time? "Popcorn and your small soda, that’ll be $9.75.”
Letterman
I hate to talk about people when they’re not here but last nights audience was dumb! Just awful. They were so dumb I thought they were an L.A. jury.
It was so nice out today. A beautiful day. It was a great day to get drunk, steal a plane and fly around Manhattan for five hours.
Conan
Martha Stewart says she will be using a different phrase than "you’re fired” on her "Apprentice” show. Instead she will be saying, "Prepare to be beaten to death!”
Mattel has announced they are taking auditions for the role of Barbie in a Barbie musical. This announcement answers that old question – what could be gayer than Ken?
