Sunday, June 12, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Of course the big story is Hillary Clinton will probably be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she wants to find out what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair has asked bush to join him in asking other countries to forgive Africa’s debt. President Bush said he'd like to help but he's still trying to convince Americans to forgive him for our debt.
Howard Dean causing controversy again, or as he's now called Dr. Dean & Mr. Hyde.
In a speech yesterday in San Francisco he said the Republicans all look the same behave the same and are a white Christian party. Apparently it's not as diverse as his home state of Vermont!
The Coast Guard has apprehended a group of Cubans off of Key West trying to sail here in an old blue taxi cab. Turns out the cab driver was taking them the long way to the airport.
The Jackson jury only deliberated for a half day today and left without reaching a decision. The jurors said they didn't want to leave early but, a couple of them had publicity shoots for their book deals.
Former child star, "Home Alone" star, Macaulay Culkin pleaded guilty yesterday to drug charges. Which is kind of ironic, if he went to prison, he could wind in bed again with Michael Jackson.
Jesse Jackson has been Michael’s spiritual advisor through the trial. Michael Jackson has had spiritual advisors throughout his career. But none of them have really worked out. You know what they need out at that Neverland Ranch? Catholic nuns with rulers... "Keep you hands off that boy."
According to "Sports Illustrated", a winery has just come out with a NASCAR wine. It's pretty fancy too. It comes in the two or four gallon box for those special occasions.
Madonna has a new children's book out now that teaches kids that money can't buy happiness. It can buy a mansion in England, it can buy a bunch of cars, it can buy a private jet, but it can't buy happiness. And apparently it also can't buy you acting lessons either.
Letterman
Tonight’s program is a rerun. I’m actually in the hospital after being beaten senseless by Russell Crowe.
Russell Crowe was on the show last night. He’s everywhere, this morning he threw a plate of lasagna at Tony Danza.
Remember that Saddam Hussein? We invaded Iraq, found him hiding in a hole, there he was, pulled him out, now he’s on trial soon and he’s already picked out his courtroom underpants.
He’s being charged with invading Kuwait, attacking Iran and throwing a telephone at a hotel clerk.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Ways George Bush Can Regain His Popularity
10. Jump on Oprah's couch while professing his love for Katie Holmes.
9. Resign.
8. Ditch the librarian and make Eva Longoria First Lady.
7. Get Saddam to switch to boxers.
6. Use weekly radio address to give Americans a Van Halen twofer.
5. Replace his "country simpleton" persona with more lovable "hillbilly idiot" image.
4. Figure out a way for the Yankees to win a game.
3. Try fixing Iraq, creating some jobs, reducing the deficit and maybe capturing Osama.
2. Use diplomacy to bring peace to Brad, Jen and Angelina.
1. Dip into social security fund to give every American free HBO.
Leno
Of course the big story is Hillary Clinton will probably be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she wants to find out what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair has asked bush to join him in asking other countries to forgive Africa’s debt. President Bush said he'd like to help but he's still trying to convince Americans to forgive him for our debt.
Howard Dean causing controversy again, or as he's now called Dr. Dean & Mr. Hyde.
In a speech yesterday in San Francisco he said the Republicans all look the same behave the same and are a white Christian party. Apparently it's not as diverse as his home state of Vermont!
The Coast Guard has apprehended a group of Cubans off of Key West trying to sail here in an old blue taxi cab. Turns out the cab driver was taking them the long way to the airport.
The Jackson jury only deliberated for a half day today and left without reaching a decision. The jurors said they didn't want to leave early but, a couple of them had publicity shoots for their book deals.
Former child star, "Home Alone" star, Macaulay Culkin pleaded guilty yesterday to drug charges. Which is kind of ironic, if he went to prison, he could wind in bed again with Michael Jackson.
Jesse Jackson has been Michael’s spiritual advisor through the trial. Michael Jackson has had spiritual advisors throughout his career. But none of them have really worked out. You know what they need out at that Neverland Ranch? Catholic nuns with rulers... "Keep you hands off that boy."
According to "Sports Illustrated", a winery has just come out with a NASCAR wine. It's pretty fancy too. It comes in the two or four gallon box for those special occasions.
Madonna has a new children's book out now that teaches kids that money can't buy happiness. It can buy a mansion in England, it can buy a bunch of cars, it can buy a private jet, but it can't buy happiness. And apparently it also can't buy you acting lessons either.
Letterman
Tonight’s program is a rerun. I’m actually in the hospital after being beaten senseless by Russell Crowe.
Russell Crowe was on the show last night. He’s everywhere, this morning he threw a plate of lasagna at Tony Danza.
Remember that Saddam Hussein? We invaded Iraq, found him hiding in a hole, there he was, pulled him out, now he’s on trial soon and he’s already picked out his courtroom underpants.
He’s being charged with invading Kuwait, attacking Iran and throwing a telephone at a hotel clerk.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Ways George Bush Can Regain His Popularity
10. Jump on Oprah's couch while professing his love for Katie Holmes.
9. Resign.
8. Ditch the librarian and make Eva Longoria First Lady.
7. Get Saddam to switch to boxers.
6. Use weekly radio address to give Americans a Van Halen twofer.
5. Replace his "country simpleton" persona with more lovable "hillbilly idiot" image.
4. Figure out a way for the Yankees to win a game.
3. Try fixing Iraq, creating some jobs, reducing the deficit and maybe capturing Osama.
2. Use diplomacy to bring peace to Brad, Jen and Angelina.
1. Dip into social security fund to give every American free HBO.
