Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Kinda slow news day. Did anything happen today? Good news for Michael Jackson, not guilty on ten counts! The bad news - he's going to Disneyland!
I tell you Michael Jackson was so happy with the verdict, when he got back to the Neverland Ranch, he gave all the cleaning monkeys the rest of the day off.
Well it’s over. Thank god. Now Michael can go back to just being a regular guy. Watch the game, have a brewskie.
Did you hear about this? This is absolutely true - according to "Time” magazine, Christina Aguilera’s music is being used down at Guantanamo Bay to torture prisoners. They’re torturing the prisoners by playing Christina Aguilera’s music. You know I can’t help thinking if they’d only used John Tesh this war on terror could have ended so much sooner.
Some politicians now want to close Guantanamo prison. They want to get rid of our interrogators. Why can’t we outsource these jobs to India? If you want to torture people, put them on hold for that computer tech support line in New Delhi for half an hour.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has downplayed the idea of closing down the prison at Guantanamo Bay. He said it would raise questions of where to send the prisoners. He’s got a point. We can’t just leave them there in Cuba – because in a couple of days they’d all be here.
I went to see "Crash” this weekend. Not the movie, the Mike Tyson fight.
Kevin McBride defeated Mike Tyson Saturday night. Did you see it? Whew! What happened to Tyson? That desk clerk in New York put up a better fight against Russell Crowe.
McBride is not a good fighter, last week he lost to Hillary Swank!
Mike Tyson says he’s quitting boxing. You know when a boxer knows when it’s time to quit? When you start losing to white guys.
Evander Holyfield was shocked to hear that Mike Tyson was retiring. He said, "Tyson quitting? I can’t believe my ear!”
It’s happened again folks – this time a woman in Florida claims she’s found the image of Jesus on a sour cream and onion potato chip. The bad news: she didn’t notice the Jesus chip until she had already eaten the 12 apostles.
Letterman
The verdict is in and Michael Jackson is not guilty on all charges. However, his plastic surgeon was found guilty on all counts.
This just in…Saddam Hussein wants his trial moved to Santa Maria, California.
After the trial the press was talking to the jurors and one of the jurors said that Michael’s innocence was as plain as the nose on his face.
Michael had lots of supporters. In fact even if convicted his chimp said that he would wait for Michael.
We knew the jury was close to a verdict today because earlier they asked the judge to see O.J.’s glove.
Michael said he was thankful for the California legal system and a jury of 12 dumbasses.
Leno
Kinda slow news day. Did anything happen today? Good news for Michael Jackson, not guilty on ten counts! The bad news - he's going to Disneyland!
I tell you Michael Jackson was so happy with the verdict, when he got back to the Neverland Ranch, he gave all the cleaning monkeys the rest of the day off.
Well it’s over. Thank god. Now Michael can go back to just being a regular guy. Watch the game, have a brewskie.
Did you hear about this? This is absolutely true - according to "Time” magazine, Christina Aguilera’s music is being used down at Guantanamo Bay to torture prisoners. They’re torturing the prisoners by playing Christina Aguilera’s music. You know I can’t help thinking if they’d only used John Tesh this war on terror could have ended so much sooner.
Some politicians now want to close Guantanamo prison. They want to get rid of our interrogators. Why can’t we outsource these jobs to India? If you want to torture people, put them on hold for that computer tech support line in New Delhi for half an hour.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has downplayed the idea of closing down the prison at Guantanamo Bay. He said it would raise questions of where to send the prisoners. He’s got a point. We can’t just leave them there in Cuba – because in a couple of days they’d all be here.
I went to see "Crash” this weekend. Not the movie, the Mike Tyson fight.
Kevin McBride defeated Mike Tyson Saturday night. Did you see it? Whew! What happened to Tyson? That desk clerk in New York put up a better fight against Russell Crowe.
McBride is not a good fighter, last week he lost to Hillary Swank!
Mike Tyson says he’s quitting boxing. You know when a boxer knows when it’s time to quit? When you start losing to white guys.
Evander Holyfield was shocked to hear that Mike Tyson was retiring. He said, "Tyson quitting? I can’t believe my ear!”
It’s happened again folks – this time a woman in Florida claims she’s found the image of Jesus on a sour cream and onion potato chip. The bad news: she didn’t notice the Jesus chip until she had already eaten the 12 apostles.
Letterman
The verdict is in and Michael Jackson is not guilty on all charges. However, his plastic surgeon was found guilty on all counts.
This just in…Saddam Hussein wants his trial moved to Santa Maria, California.
After the trial the press was talking to the jurors and one of the jurors said that Michael’s innocence was as plain as the nose on his face.
Michael had lots of supporters. In fact even if convicted his chimp said that he would wait for Michael.
We knew the jury was close to a verdict today because earlier they asked the judge to see O.J.’s glove.
Michael said he was thankful for the California legal system and a jury of 12 dumbasses.
