Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
You’re only standing because your seats are all wet ... do you believe this rain? It was so wet today, Robert Blake’s ankle bracelet shorted out.
We've had so much rain, people in Mexico were jet-skiing across the border.
Of course all this rain leads to more mudslides. To give you an idea how bad it is, my house gave me a ride to work this morning. I’m now in a worse neighborhood.
We even had thunderstorms! The thunder got so loud you could barely hear the gunfire.
In fact, these storms are so bad, we may have to delay the start of fire season. We may have to go all the way into October.
To give you an idea how serious this is, today Governor Schwarzenegger was begging the Indian casinos, "OK, stop with the rain dancing. I give up, you can have whatever you want. I’ll take back the Proposition."
Today is Presidents' Day, or, as John Kerry calls it, Monday.
Today is Presidents' Day. It’s a day we honor our presidents by secretly taping them.
Have you heard about these Bush tapes? A longtime friend of the Bush family, a guy named Doug Wead – I think he’s Linda Tripp’s first husband, and he has a book coming out, surprise, surprise – secretly taped a number of conversations with Bush when Bush was thinking of running for president in 1998. And he taped the conversations secretly, and on the tape Bush admits that as a young man, he smoked marijuana. But he quit, when it started to interfere with his drinking.
He acknowledges trying marijuana, and here’s the interesting part: No one has come forward to verify they ever actually saw him do it. So it’s like the National Guard thing all over again, basically.
Now Bush, Clinton and Al Gore have all admitted to smoking marijuana. This is kind of like a presidential version of the Doobie Brothers.
The seven-year-old Kyoto Accord went into effect this week, forcing 35 nations and the European Union to cut emissions in an effort to combat global warming. See, I don’t think President Bush quite understands this. Like today, when they asked him about the Kyoto Accord, President Bush says he much prefers the Camry.
Here’s another odd story, here’s the ingenuity of the American male. In Boise, Idaho, a strip club got around the local nudity ban by calling it Art Night and giving the guys pencils and paper and letting them sketch the strippers. It was going pretty good until one guy got arrested for tracing.
According to Variety, Disney is now working on a prequel to "Peter Pan." In this story Peter tries to recover a trunk full of magical stuff before it falls into the hands of the Santa Barbara District Attorney.
As you know, Michael Jackson is out of the hospital. Doctors say within a couple of days he should be completely back to abnormal.
The NBA All-Star Game was yesterday and L.A. fans got a chance to root for their favorite Laker. The bad news ... it’s still Shaq.
New York City wants to trademark a new slogan, "The world’s second home." Not to be confused with L.A.’s slogan, "The Third World’s second home."
Have you ever heard about the gift bag the nominees get? It’s unbelievable. Like they said this year’s Oscar nominees gift bag includes a pair of black lace Victoria's Secret panties with a removable 7.2-carat diamond. This is how you can tell if you’re dating a Republican or Democrat — if he removes the diamond, he’s a Republican; if he takes off the panties, he’s a Democrat.
Letterman
It’s Presidents' Day. Everyone in New York City is in the mood. This morning on my way to work my cab driver was wearing his stovepipe turban.
Have you seen the big Gates exhibit in Central Park? Everyone is going crazy about it. The most commonly heard phrase about the Gates is "Thank God that was free."
Here’s one of the reasons to love New York City, one of those things that only happens here. This week a restaurant here was featuring a clothing-optional dinner. You go in and eat naked ... just like home.
I'd go in and my luck would be I’d be sitting next to a guy that would want to show me his rising napkin trick.
Over the weekend this story broke. A former friend of President Bush’s secretly audiotaped conversations he would have with the president. In these tapes President Bush admits he tried marijuana. That’s not all. There’s also a secret tape of Osama bin Laden and he admits to one time trying pork.
Isn’t that crazy? A friend taped him. I know what you’re all thinking: How in the world would anyone trick George W. Bush?
Ferguson
President Bush met with the king of Belgium this morning. The meeting got off with a rocky start when President Bush said, "I love your waffles."
Leno
You’re only standing because your seats are all wet ... do you believe this rain? It was so wet today, Robert Blake’s ankle bracelet shorted out.
We've had so much rain, people in Mexico were jet-skiing across the border.
Of course all this rain leads to more mudslides. To give you an idea how bad it is, my house gave me a ride to work this morning. I’m now in a worse neighborhood.
We even had thunderstorms! The thunder got so loud you could barely hear the gunfire.
In fact, these storms are so bad, we may have to delay the start of fire season. We may have to go all the way into October.
To give you an idea how serious this is, today Governor Schwarzenegger was begging the Indian casinos, "OK, stop with the rain dancing. I give up, you can have whatever you want. I’ll take back the Proposition."
Today is Presidents' Day, or, as John Kerry calls it, Monday.
Today is Presidents' Day. It’s a day we honor our presidents by secretly taping them.
Have you heard about these Bush tapes? A longtime friend of the Bush family, a guy named Doug Wead – I think he’s Linda Tripp’s first husband, and he has a book coming out, surprise, surprise – secretly taped a number of conversations with Bush when Bush was thinking of running for president in 1998. And he taped the conversations secretly, and on the tape Bush admits that as a young man, he smoked marijuana. But he quit, when it started to interfere with his drinking.
He acknowledges trying marijuana, and here’s the interesting part: No one has come forward to verify they ever actually saw him do it. So it’s like the National Guard thing all over again, basically.
Now Bush, Clinton and Al Gore have all admitted to smoking marijuana. This is kind of like a presidential version of the Doobie Brothers.
The seven-year-old Kyoto Accord went into effect this week, forcing 35 nations and the European Union to cut emissions in an effort to combat global warming. See, I don’t think President Bush quite understands this. Like today, when they asked him about the Kyoto Accord, President Bush says he much prefers the Camry.
Here’s another odd story, here’s the ingenuity of the American male. In Boise, Idaho, a strip club got around the local nudity ban by calling it Art Night and giving the guys pencils and paper and letting them sketch the strippers. It was going pretty good until one guy got arrested for tracing.
According to Variety, Disney is now working on a prequel to "Peter Pan." In this story Peter tries to recover a trunk full of magical stuff before it falls into the hands of the Santa Barbara District Attorney.
As you know, Michael Jackson is out of the hospital. Doctors say within a couple of days he should be completely back to abnormal.
The NBA All-Star Game was yesterday and L.A. fans got a chance to root for their favorite Laker. The bad news ... it’s still Shaq.
New York City wants to trademark a new slogan, "The world’s second home." Not to be confused with L.A.’s slogan, "The Third World’s second home."
Have you ever heard about the gift bag the nominees get? It’s unbelievable. Like they said this year’s Oscar nominees gift bag includes a pair of black lace Victoria's Secret panties with a removable 7.2-carat diamond. This is how you can tell if you’re dating a Republican or Democrat — if he removes the diamond, he’s a Republican; if he takes off the panties, he’s a Democrat.
Letterman
It’s Presidents' Day. Everyone in New York City is in the mood. This morning on my way to work my cab driver was wearing his stovepipe turban.
Have you seen the big Gates exhibit in Central Park? Everyone is going crazy about it. The most commonly heard phrase about the Gates is "Thank God that was free."
Here’s one of the reasons to love New York City, one of those things that only happens here. This week a restaurant here was featuring a clothing-optional dinner. You go in and eat naked ... just like home.
I'd go in and my luck would be I’d be sitting next to a guy that would want to show me his rising napkin trick.
Over the weekend this story broke. A former friend of President Bush’s secretly audiotaped conversations he would have with the president. In these tapes President Bush admits he tried marijuana. That’s not all. There’s also a secret tape of Osama bin Laden and he admits to one time trying pork.
Isn’t that crazy? A friend taped him. I know what you’re all thinking: How in the world would anyone trick George W. Bush?
Ferguson
President Bush met with the king of Belgium this morning. The meeting got off with a rocky start when President Bush said, "I love your waffles."
