Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Welcome to "The Tonight Show." I have an announcement to make. I am pleased to announce we are now the official wedding planners for Charles and Camilla. I am so excited.
As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Prince Charles will be marrying his longtime girlfriend, Camilla Parker Bowles. They will marry on April 8, but Camilla Parker Bowles will not be called queen. That title is reserved for Prince Edward.
I believe Charles first met Camilla at a polo match in the early '70s. Back then Charles was a young, rugged-looking young man. In fact, so was Camilla.
If you’d like to get them a gift, I think they’re registered at the Homely Depot.
Here’s my question: Where do you go on your honeymoon when you’re Prince Charles? You already live in a palace. "Oooh, the San Diego Marriott. We’re so excited. There’s a mini bar in the room."
Camilla’s great-grandmother was the mistress of Charles’ great-great-grandfather, and her ex-husband once dated Charles’ sister. You do realize that if these people were Americans, they’d be on "Jerry Springer."
Did you see this? Yesterday, a 4.2 earthquake shook Arkansas. Over 200 cars were knocked off their blocks.
In fact they said they haven’t seen that many people get under a desk since Clinton was governor.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran not to develop their nuclear weapons program. She said, "President Bush has a map in his office, and he will find you eventually."
Wal-Mart closed one of their Canadian stores this week. Employees are furious because now they have to cross two borders to get home.
Have you been following this Robert Blake trial? Every day more and more people are coming forward to say that Blake tried to get them to kill his wife. In fact, today Wile E. Coyote testified that Blake asked him to drop an anvil on Bonnie Lee Bakley’s head.
That’s the big story today. Former child star Corey Feldman has been subpoenaed to testify in the Michael Jackson case. I think this is the first callback Corey has had since the movie "Goonies"!
Let’s see what’s going on in baseball with Jose "can’t say no."
In his book, Jose Canseco says he injected Mark McGwire with steroids "too many times to count." But in his interview with Mike Wallace he says it was only twice. So apparently doing steroids doesn't just shrink your genitals - it also shrinks part of your brain, too. You can't count to two.
Karl Malone announced his retirement from the Lakers today. He said he wants to spend more time with Kobe’s family.
A German man invented a cell phone that lets you talk to the dead. They put a speaker in the coffin and you talk to the dead. If you think that’s bad, for an extra $3.99 a minute, you can talk dirty to the dead!
Sara Lee is getting rid of a few of its other companies. Hanes underwear and Chock full o'Nuts coffee. Come to think of it, shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn’t it be called Hanes coffee and Chock full o'Nuts underwear?
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you’re eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&Ms. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
The Grammy Awards are Sunday night. Lots of new categories this year. Did you hear about this one? "Best rap group that doesn’t scare white people."
Letterman
It’s the end of Fashion Week here in New York City. On Monday the big dog show starts. Ladies and gentlemen, we have bitches just coming and going!
The big Westminster Dog Show starts on Monday at Madison Square Garden. Usually the only thing to roll over and play dead at Madison Square Garden are the Knicks.
There was a big scandal last year with the dog show. A Yorkshire terrier won the show, but then it turned out it was just a blow-dried rat.
Saturday is President Lincoln’s birthday. In honor of the day, the hookers in Times Square are handing out stovepipe condoms.
Dick Cheney says he will not run for president in 2008. He’s not going to run so he can spend more time at home with his defibrillator.
Monday is Valentine’s Day. I’ll be busy finding an escort service that gives an AARP discount.
You know Whitman’s chocolate? They’ve come out with a special commemorative Michael Jackson candy. It’s lovely, it’s delicious – it’s white chocolate with a nut inside.
Conan
The Grammy Awards are on Sunday. President Clinton is nominated for an award. He’s up for Best Spoken Word Album. Not surprisingly, the word is "booby."
Valentine’s Day is on Monday. The most popular gift on Valentine’s Day is a box of chocolate. Unless you’re Ruben Stoddard’s girlfriend, and then you get the box the chocolate came in.
This week in London a couple found a $6 million lottery ticket while cleaning out a drawer in their home. The British couple said that they never use that drawer because that’s where they keep their toothbrush.
Jose Canseco says that he introduced steroids to baseball and personally injected Jason Giambi in the butt. He also went on to say that he gave him steroids.
Leno
Welcome to "The Tonight Show." I have an announcement to make. I am pleased to announce we are now the official wedding planners for Charles and Camilla. I am so excited.
As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Prince Charles will be marrying his longtime girlfriend, Camilla Parker Bowles. They will marry on April 8, but Camilla Parker Bowles will not be called queen. That title is reserved for Prince Edward.
I believe Charles first met Camilla at a polo match in the early '70s. Back then Charles was a young, rugged-looking young man. In fact, so was Camilla.
If you’d like to get them a gift, I think they’re registered at the Homely Depot.
Here’s my question: Where do you go on your honeymoon when you’re Prince Charles? You already live in a palace. "Oooh, the San Diego Marriott. We’re so excited. There’s a mini bar in the room."
Camilla’s great-grandmother was the mistress of Charles’ great-great-grandfather, and her ex-husband once dated Charles’ sister. You do realize that if these people were Americans, they’d be on "Jerry Springer."
Did you see this? Yesterday, a 4.2 earthquake shook Arkansas. Over 200 cars were knocked off their blocks.
In fact they said they haven’t seen that many people get under a desk since Clinton was governor.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran not to develop their nuclear weapons program. She said, "President Bush has a map in his office, and he will find you eventually."
Wal-Mart closed one of their Canadian stores this week. Employees are furious because now they have to cross two borders to get home.
Have you been following this Robert Blake trial? Every day more and more people are coming forward to say that Blake tried to get them to kill his wife. In fact, today Wile E. Coyote testified that Blake asked him to drop an anvil on Bonnie Lee Bakley’s head.
That’s the big story today. Former child star Corey Feldman has been subpoenaed to testify in the Michael Jackson case. I think this is the first callback Corey has had since the movie "Goonies"!
Let’s see what’s going on in baseball with Jose "can’t say no."
In his book, Jose Canseco says he injected Mark McGwire with steroids "too many times to count." But in his interview with Mike Wallace he says it was only twice. So apparently doing steroids doesn't just shrink your genitals - it also shrinks part of your brain, too. You can't count to two.
Karl Malone announced his retirement from the Lakers today. He said he wants to spend more time with Kobe’s family.
A German man invented a cell phone that lets you talk to the dead. They put a speaker in the coffin and you talk to the dead. If you think that’s bad, for an extra $3.99 a minute, you can talk dirty to the dead!
Sara Lee is getting rid of a few of its other companies. Hanes underwear and Chock full o'Nuts coffee. Come to think of it, shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn’t it be called Hanes coffee and Chock full o'Nuts underwear?
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you’re eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&Ms. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
The Grammy Awards are Sunday night. Lots of new categories this year. Did you hear about this one? "Best rap group that doesn’t scare white people."
Letterman
It’s the end of Fashion Week here in New York City. On Monday the big dog show starts. Ladies and gentlemen, we have bitches just coming and going!
The big Westminster Dog Show starts on Monday at Madison Square Garden. Usually the only thing to roll over and play dead at Madison Square Garden are the Knicks.
There was a big scandal last year with the dog show. A Yorkshire terrier won the show, but then it turned out it was just a blow-dried rat.
Saturday is President Lincoln’s birthday. In honor of the day, the hookers in Times Square are handing out stovepipe condoms.
Dick Cheney says he will not run for president in 2008. He’s not going to run so he can spend more time at home with his defibrillator.
Monday is Valentine’s Day. I’ll be busy finding an escort service that gives an AARP discount.
You know Whitman’s chocolate? They’ve come out with a special commemorative Michael Jackson candy. It’s lovely, it’s delicious – it’s white chocolate with a nut inside.
Conan
The Grammy Awards are on Sunday. President Clinton is nominated for an award. He’s up for Best Spoken Word Album. Not surprisingly, the word is "booby."
Valentine’s Day is on Monday. The most popular gift on Valentine’s Day is a box of chocolate. Unless you’re Ruben Stoddard’s girlfriend, and then you get the box the chocolate came in.
This week in London a couple found a $6 million lottery ticket while cleaning out a drawer in their home. The British couple said that they never use that drawer because that’s where they keep their toothbrush.
Jose Canseco says that he introduced steroids to baseball and personally injected Jason Giambi in the butt. He also went on to say that he gave him steroids.
