Sunday, February 20, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
We had so much rain today Jose Canseco was injecting himself with Thompson’s Water Seal.
As I’m sure you know, Jose Canseco has written a best selling book about steroid use in baseball. It’s called, "juiced”. That shows how old I am, remember the old days when getting juiced meant you were killed by a Heisman Trophy winner.
At hearings earlier in the week it was disclosed that there are a number of part time terrorists. Of course, you know part time terrorists don’t get the full benefits of full time terrorists. Like instead of 72 virgins when they die, these guys just get two hookers and a goat.
Here’s another scary story - I read a report about the proliferation of counterfeit products around the world. That’s a huge business, counterfeit parts. To give you an idea how bad it is. They say now that 30% of Cher is counterfeit parts.
The tiny Alpine country of Lichtenstein is outlawing the common practice of grazing milk cows on marijuana plants. Evidentially the ingredient that makes you high was filtering through to the milk. Of course this will be easier a lot easier on the dairy farmers, too, since the cows won’t constantly be giggling every time they try to milk them.
Marijuana in the milk. How many cookies were they going through in that town? Think about it, you eat a few cookies, wash it down with milk. Then you crave more cookies, wash it down with milk and crave even more cookies.
As you may know, I’ve been called as a witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Why do people applaud that? See so many celebrities wind up in court now, people think it’s like an awards show. "Oh you got picked for that trial. Not doing that crappy Phil Spector trial…”
As I’m sure you know, Michael Jackson left the hospital the other night and he’s doing great. He said he feels like a kid again.
Although Michael has gone home for the hospital. His doctors say he will "remain under observation”. Remain under observation? If he were under observation to begin with, none of this would’ve happened! We took our eye off the ball.
Scientists have found 12,000 year old bones at a site in Kansas. Imagine that 12,000 year old bones in Kansas. In fact, they studied the bones….and then Bob Dole woke up from his nap and walked away.
Earlier today Senator Hillary Clinton announced she wants to change federal law to allow all ex-felons to vote. Finally some good news for Martha Stewart.
"USA Today” is doing a series on the worst jobs in sports. You know who has the worst jobs in sports? Hockey players! They’re driving taxis. Busing tables. Working the drive through at Taco Bell.
As I’m sure you know by now the entire hockey season has been cancelled. So there will be no pro hockey in Los Angeles. Which is sad considering that this season Los Angeles barely has pro basketball.
You gotta give Kobe credit, he’s no Jose Canseco. In fact, Kobe doesn’t believe in giving any shots to his teammates.
The NBA announced they are going to limit the size and number of beers being sold at the games. Now see why can’t we do this for airline pilots before a flight?
A Florida high school teacher was arrested after students told authorities that they were taught how to make bombs that explosive. You know, whatever happened to the good old days – when the worst thing a teacher would do was have sex with their students?
Kid Rock was arrested this week for punching a DJ at a strip club in Nashville, Tennessee. The guy lost five teeth. But since it’s Tennessee, they’re not sure the punch had anything to do with it.
Letterman
I’m having some trouble with mom. I need to keep an eye on her all the time. Here’s what is going on. She stays up late watching the infomercials and now she’s raising alpacas in the backyard.
Good news for out-of-towners, crime in New York City is at an all time low. Which is too bad, I miss the old days of sitting at the station flipping through the mug shots with an icepack on my head.
The nicest part when crime was higher was being taken up the subway stairs on a gurney.
How about that art installation in Central Park? Isn’t that Cristo a genius? Do you remember last year when he covered the Chrysler building in moist towelettes?
It’s impressive. It’s 23 miles of fabric. I was thinking why cover Central Park? Why don’t we just cover New Jersey instead?
I like to remind everyone about this every now and then. So many of today’s top stars are in prison. Like Robert Blake. In the trial it’s been revealed that Blake asked five different people to kill his wife. I can’t even find five people to move my couch!
The Michael Jackson trial is going on. I think this guy is a little peculiar. They are now having trouble finding jurors for the trial. Jurors are getting out of the trial by claiming "hardship”…wait that’s last nights audience.
The Post Office has just issued a new Ronald Reagan stamp. 170 million of the stamps have already been sold. This makes Ronald Reagan the most licked president since…..I think Clinton.
Conan
People are already talking about the next presidential election! There’s stories all over about who might run. At a recent speech a prominent Democrat said that Hillary Clinton should not run because she can’t win. Immediately after the speech Hillary told her husband to shut up.
Yesterday Paris Hilton turned 24. Happy Birthday to Paris. Her friends say that she’s 24 but has the knees of an 80 year old.
Ferguson
Rush Limbaugh is going to travel to Afghanistan. Haven’t these people suffered enough?
Leno
We had so much rain today Jose Canseco was injecting himself with Thompson’s Water Seal.
As I’m sure you know, Jose Canseco has written a best selling book about steroid use in baseball. It’s called, "juiced”. That shows how old I am, remember the old days when getting juiced meant you were killed by a Heisman Trophy winner.
At hearings earlier in the week it was disclosed that there are a number of part time terrorists. Of course, you know part time terrorists don’t get the full benefits of full time terrorists. Like instead of 72 virgins when they die, these guys just get two hookers and a goat.
Here’s another scary story - I read a report about the proliferation of counterfeit products around the world. That’s a huge business, counterfeit parts. To give you an idea how bad it is. They say now that 30% of Cher is counterfeit parts.
The tiny Alpine country of Lichtenstein is outlawing the common practice of grazing milk cows on marijuana plants. Evidentially the ingredient that makes you high was filtering through to the milk. Of course this will be easier a lot easier on the dairy farmers, too, since the cows won’t constantly be giggling every time they try to milk them.
Marijuana in the milk. How many cookies were they going through in that town? Think about it, you eat a few cookies, wash it down with milk. Then you crave more cookies, wash it down with milk and crave even more cookies.
As you may know, I’ve been called as a witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Why do people applaud that? See so many celebrities wind up in court now, people think it’s like an awards show. "Oh you got picked for that trial. Not doing that crappy Phil Spector trial…”
As I’m sure you know, Michael Jackson left the hospital the other night and he’s doing great. He said he feels like a kid again.
Although Michael has gone home for the hospital. His doctors say he will "remain under observation”. Remain under observation? If he were under observation to begin with, none of this would’ve happened! We took our eye off the ball.
Scientists have found 12,000 year old bones at a site in Kansas. Imagine that 12,000 year old bones in Kansas. In fact, they studied the bones….and then Bob Dole woke up from his nap and walked away.
Earlier today Senator Hillary Clinton announced she wants to change federal law to allow all ex-felons to vote. Finally some good news for Martha Stewart.
"USA Today” is doing a series on the worst jobs in sports. You know who has the worst jobs in sports? Hockey players! They’re driving taxis. Busing tables. Working the drive through at Taco Bell.
As I’m sure you know by now the entire hockey season has been cancelled. So there will be no pro hockey in Los Angeles. Which is sad considering that this season Los Angeles barely has pro basketball.
You gotta give Kobe credit, he’s no Jose Canseco. In fact, Kobe doesn’t believe in giving any shots to his teammates.
The NBA announced they are going to limit the size and number of beers being sold at the games. Now see why can’t we do this for airline pilots before a flight?
A Florida high school teacher was arrested after students told authorities that they were taught how to make bombs that explosive. You know, whatever happened to the good old days – when the worst thing a teacher would do was have sex with their students?
Kid Rock was arrested this week for punching a DJ at a strip club in Nashville, Tennessee. The guy lost five teeth. But since it’s Tennessee, they’re not sure the punch had anything to do with it.
Letterman
I’m having some trouble with mom. I need to keep an eye on her all the time. Here’s what is going on. She stays up late watching the infomercials and now she’s raising alpacas in the backyard.
Good news for out-of-towners, crime in New York City is at an all time low. Which is too bad, I miss the old days of sitting at the station flipping through the mug shots with an icepack on my head.
The nicest part when crime was higher was being taken up the subway stairs on a gurney.
How about that art installation in Central Park? Isn’t that Cristo a genius? Do you remember last year when he covered the Chrysler building in moist towelettes?
It’s impressive. It’s 23 miles of fabric. I was thinking why cover Central Park? Why don’t we just cover New Jersey instead?
I like to remind everyone about this every now and then. So many of today’s top stars are in prison. Like Robert Blake. In the trial it’s been revealed that Blake asked five different people to kill his wife. I can’t even find five people to move my couch!
The Michael Jackson trial is going on. I think this guy is a little peculiar. They are now having trouble finding jurors for the trial. Jurors are getting out of the trial by claiming "hardship”…wait that’s last nights audience.
The Post Office has just issued a new Ronald Reagan stamp. 170 million of the stamps have already been sold. This makes Ronald Reagan the most licked president since…..I think Clinton.
Conan
People are already talking about the next presidential election! There’s stories all over about who might run. At a recent speech a prominent Democrat said that Hillary Clinton should not run because she can’t win. Immediately after the speech Hillary told her husband to shut up.
Yesterday Paris Hilton turned 24. Happy Birthday to Paris. Her friends say that she’s 24 but has the knees of an 80 year old.
Ferguson
Rush Limbaugh is going to travel to Afghanistan. Haven’t these people suffered enough?
