Monday, February 21, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
The rains just won't stop here in California. In fact, it's rained so much, women in Beverly Hills were getting breast implants just so they'd float better.
A lot of people don’t know how to react here. Like today, Jessica Simpson was seen running to lower ground.
We have had 32 inches of rain. Thirty-two inches! Oh, my God. Has anybody seen Gary Coleman?
In fact, it was so wet today, President Bush couldn't even light his own joint.
Have you heard about this sleazeball guy named Doug Wead? He's a former friend of President Bush's. Actually, he's a former Assembly of God Minister who was Bush's liaison to the evangelical community, and he secretly taped President Bush's private phone conversations for like three years. Turns out this guy was a real student of the Bible. Especially the stories about Judas. Apparently he knows those pretty well.
He said he felt it was moral to record someone who was destined for greatness. I think that's the same excuse Paris Hilton’s boyfriend used.
A state assemblyman here in California has introduced a compassionate care law which would allow California to become the second state in the nation to allow assisted suicides. Do we need this? I mean, between the floods, the earthquakes, the crime, isn't living here already assisted suicide? Every day is an assisted suicide.
Jerry Springer is promoting a Jerry Springer pay-per-view special with uncensored footage from his TV show. I don't know, is that a good idea? You ever watch "The Jerry Springer Show"? When those women pull up their shirts and they have that blurry line? I like that blurry line, I don't want to see what's under there.
Happy Birthday to Ted Kennedy, he's 73 years old. Looks great, doesn't he? See, alcohol is a preservative.
We have Vin Diesel on the show tonight. He’s in this funny new movie, "The Pacifier," where he’s a Navy SEAL who has to babysit five kids and protect them till they can testify in court up in Santa Barbara County.
Did you see Michael Jackson arrive in court today in an SUV with the windows rolled down and his head sticking out in the rain — and that’s normal behavior for a guy who just got out of the hospital with the "flu".
Admitted steroid user Jason Giambi got a warm welcome from Yankee fans today when he showed up for spring training. Fans gave him a standing ovation despite his admission that he used steroids. I hope that doesn’t give him a big head. AGAIN. You hate to see that happen.
Leno
The rains just won't stop here in California. In fact, it's rained so much, women in Beverly Hills were getting breast implants just so they'd float better.
A lot of people don’t know how to react here. Like today, Jessica Simpson was seen running to lower ground.
We have had 32 inches of rain. Thirty-two inches! Oh, my God. Has anybody seen Gary Coleman?
In fact, it was so wet today, President Bush couldn't even light his own joint.
Have you heard about this sleazeball guy named Doug Wead? He's a former friend of President Bush's. Actually, he's a former Assembly of God Minister who was Bush's liaison to the evangelical community, and he secretly taped President Bush's private phone conversations for like three years. Turns out this guy was a real student of the Bible. Especially the stories about Judas. Apparently he knows those pretty well.
He said he felt it was moral to record someone who was destined for greatness. I think that's the same excuse Paris Hilton’s boyfriend used.
A state assemblyman here in California has introduced a compassionate care law which would allow California to become the second state in the nation to allow assisted suicides. Do we need this? I mean, between the floods, the earthquakes, the crime, isn't living here already assisted suicide? Every day is an assisted suicide.
Jerry Springer is promoting a Jerry Springer pay-per-view special with uncensored footage from his TV show. I don't know, is that a good idea? You ever watch "The Jerry Springer Show"? When those women pull up their shirts and they have that blurry line? I like that blurry line, I don't want to see what's under there.
Happy Birthday to Ted Kennedy, he's 73 years old. Looks great, doesn't he? See, alcohol is a preservative.
We have Vin Diesel on the show tonight. He’s in this funny new movie, "The Pacifier," where he’s a Navy SEAL who has to babysit five kids and protect them till they can testify in court up in Santa Barbara County.
Did you see Michael Jackson arrive in court today in an SUV with the windows rolled down and his head sticking out in the rain — and that’s normal behavior for a guy who just got out of the hospital with the "flu".
Admitted steroid user Jason Giambi got a warm welcome from Yankee fans today when he showed up for spring training. Fans gave him a standing ovation despite his admission that he used steroids. I hope that doesn’t give him a big head. AGAIN. You hate to see that happen.
