Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
I’m sure you know about this….today people across Los Angeles saw a strange object in the sky this afternoon. The sun!
It was so wet last night, Robert Blake left his spear gun at Vitello’s.
Hey Kev, you know what realtors are saying about homes in the Hollywood Hills? "They’re moving fast!”
Speaking of that, one of my neighbors got a brand new swimming pool today. The bad news, it belonged to the guy living above him.
This is such a weird place to live - it’s the only place where it’s been raining for a month now flooding everywhere and people still pay three bucks for a bottle of water.
We have had so many thunderstorms over the past couple of days, California has experienced a series of blackouts or as President Bush calls them "the college years”.
As you know President Bush is on a tour of Europe. He says he’s hoping to see the whole country.
Earlier today President Bush met with German leaders and they found common ground. We both hate the French.
Folks, it is now official Buckingham Palace has announced that Queen Elizabeth will not attend the civil marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla. Actually it turns out Camilla didn’t want the 80 year old queen there. I guess Camilla didn’t want anyone at the wedding prettier than she is.
In his new book, Jose Canseco says that thanks to steroids he can still do everything at the age of 40 that he could do when he was 25. How come he’s not still playing baseball?
Asked if steroids are cheating, Barry Bonds said "I don’t know what cheating is.” Bill Clinton said, "Good answer. Good answer.”
Martha Stewart says that when she gets out of prison next week, she wants to move on to the next stage of her life. Revenge.
It’s official – the jury has been chosen in the Michael Jackson case. It’s two-thirds female. Just like Michael. So it’ll be a jury of his peers.
A Manhattan restaurant is now holding monthly clothes optional dinners. Did you hear about this? It was started by a group of nudists. You take off your clothes, you eat your dinner naked. Where do you put your wallet? On top of your head?
According to a report in England, a new movie about Andy Warhol will feature Madonna in the role of a transsexual. This will allow Madonna to be named both the worst actress and worst actor in the same year.
According to a new medical study, it’s healthy for a wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all inside which can lead to disease. So guys when the wife runs you over with the SUV, she’s just trying to live a healthier lifestyle.
An Australian company says they plan to use kangaroo dung to make stationary and other paper products. That’s something to think about the next time you decide to lick that envelope.
Leno
I’m sure you know about this….today people across Los Angeles saw a strange object in the sky this afternoon. The sun!
It was so wet last night, Robert Blake left his spear gun at Vitello’s.
Hey Kev, you know what realtors are saying about homes in the Hollywood Hills? "They’re moving fast!”
Speaking of that, one of my neighbors got a brand new swimming pool today. The bad news, it belonged to the guy living above him.
This is such a weird place to live - it’s the only place where it’s been raining for a month now flooding everywhere and people still pay three bucks for a bottle of water.
We have had so many thunderstorms over the past couple of days, California has experienced a series of blackouts or as President Bush calls them "the college years”.
As you know President Bush is on a tour of Europe. He says he’s hoping to see the whole country.
Earlier today President Bush met with German leaders and they found common ground. We both hate the French.
Folks, it is now official Buckingham Palace has announced that Queen Elizabeth will not attend the civil marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla. Actually it turns out Camilla didn’t want the 80 year old queen there. I guess Camilla didn’t want anyone at the wedding prettier than she is.
In his new book, Jose Canseco says that thanks to steroids he can still do everything at the age of 40 that he could do when he was 25. How come he’s not still playing baseball?
Asked if steroids are cheating, Barry Bonds said "I don’t know what cheating is.” Bill Clinton said, "Good answer. Good answer.”
Martha Stewart says that when she gets out of prison next week, she wants to move on to the next stage of her life. Revenge.
It’s official – the jury has been chosen in the Michael Jackson case. It’s two-thirds female. Just like Michael. So it’ll be a jury of his peers.
A Manhattan restaurant is now holding monthly clothes optional dinners. Did you hear about this? It was started by a group of nudists. You take off your clothes, you eat your dinner naked. Where do you put your wallet? On top of your head?
According to a report in England, a new movie about Andy Warhol will feature Madonna in the role of a transsexual. This will allow Madonna to be named both the worst actress and worst actor in the same year.
According to a new medical study, it’s healthy for a wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all inside which can lead to disease. So guys when the wife runs you over with the SUV, she’s just trying to live a healthier lifestyle.
An Australian company says they plan to use kangaroo dung to make stationary and other paper products. That’s something to think about the next time you decide to lick that envelope.
