Tuesday, February 8, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
How many of you returned your big-screen TV to Circuit City today? "It was fine yesterday, now there’s something wrong.”
Congratulations the New England Patriots beat the Philadelphia Eagles! Eagles played a great game. This is the Patriots third super bowl in four years. Do you realize Tom Brady now has more rings that Kobe’s wife?
I tell you, Boston is my hometown and people went crazy in Boston. For a minute it looked like the celebration was going to get violent. Fans wanted to turn over cars, but no one felt like digging them out of the snow first.
This year for the first time the game was broadcast in high definition TV. You know the picture is so amazingly detailed, you can actually see two or three of the hairs on Terry Bradshaw’s head.
I’ll tell ya, that was pretty tame. The closest thing we had to seeing a breast fly out was with Charlie Daniels!
See Charlie Daniels in the pre game show? He put on a few pounds. Oh man, forget Georgia, looks like the devil went down to Fat Burger! That’s what happened.
It was different because this year the game was great and the commercials were lame. Usually it’s the other way around. Did you see that one commercials. Did you see the one where the guy gets dunked in a giant container of clam chowder…..I’m sorry, that’s tonight!
Did you hear about this? When President Bush gave his State of the Union speech, he announced that the person heading up an offensive on gangs would be his wife Laura Bush. Today the first lady announced the name of her anti-gang program "Just say yo.”
In an interview, Dick Cheney says there’s no way he’ll run for president in 2008. I guess 8 years of being president is enough.
In Boston, the Priest Paul Shanley was found guilty on all counts in his sex abuse trial. I guess that means Michael Jackson is losing a character witness.
Things are not looking good for Michael Jackson and his "no child left behind” policy.
Did you see Michael Jackson’s interview with Geraldo Rivera? Michael defends his sister’s wardrobe malfunction. He said he told her at the time, "Don’t worry, I’ve seen worse”. Yeah, that’s why he’s on trial! Hello!
Letterman
It’s an exciting time to be in New York City. It’s Fashion Week. (sarcastic tone) And you can certainly tell by this crowd.
During Fashion Week the city is full of supermodels. Just today I saw a supermodel with a sign around her neck that said "Will starve for food.”
I ask no sympathy from you tonight even though I’m doing the show with two screws and a metal plate in my ankle.
I have something great to pass along. If you drink champagne, there’s several cases you can get real cheap from the Philadelphia Eagles.
Did you see the halftime show? It was clean, it was wholesome, it was family friendly – that’s right - it sucked.
What I like about the Super Bowl are the commercials. Did you see the one with Burt Reynolds and the bear? The bear was the only one with his own hair.
Leno
How many of you returned your big-screen TV to Circuit City today? "It was fine yesterday, now there’s something wrong.”
Congratulations the New England Patriots beat the Philadelphia Eagles! Eagles played a great game. This is the Patriots third super bowl in four years. Do you realize Tom Brady now has more rings that Kobe’s wife?
I tell you, Boston is my hometown and people went crazy in Boston. For a minute it looked like the celebration was going to get violent. Fans wanted to turn over cars, but no one felt like digging them out of the snow first.
This year for the first time the game was broadcast in high definition TV. You know the picture is so amazingly detailed, you can actually see two or three of the hairs on Terry Bradshaw’s head.
I’ll tell ya, that was pretty tame. The closest thing we had to seeing a breast fly out was with Charlie Daniels!
See Charlie Daniels in the pre game show? He put on a few pounds. Oh man, forget Georgia, looks like the devil went down to Fat Burger! That’s what happened.
It was different because this year the game was great and the commercials were lame. Usually it’s the other way around. Did you see that one commercials. Did you see the one where the guy gets dunked in a giant container of clam chowder…..I’m sorry, that’s tonight!
Did you hear about this? When President Bush gave his State of the Union speech, he announced that the person heading up an offensive on gangs would be his wife Laura Bush. Today the first lady announced the name of her anti-gang program "Just say yo.”
In an interview, Dick Cheney says there’s no way he’ll run for president in 2008. I guess 8 years of being president is enough.
In Boston, the Priest Paul Shanley was found guilty on all counts in his sex abuse trial. I guess that means Michael Jackson is losing a character witness.
Things are not looking good for Michael Jackson and his "no child left behind” policy.
Did you see Michael Jackson’s interview with Geraldo Rivera? Michael defends his sister’s wardrobe malfunction. He said he told her at the time, "Don’t worry, I’ve seen worse”. Yeah, that’s why he’s on trial! Hello!
Letterman
It’s an exciting time to be in New York City. It’s Fashion Week. (sarcastic tone) And you can certainly tell by this crowd.
During Fashion Week the city is full of supermodels. Just today I saw a supermodel with a sign around her neck that said "Will starve for food.”
I ask no sympathy from you tonight even though I’m doing the show with two screws and a metal plate in my ankle.
I have something great to pass along. If you drink champagne, there’s several cases you can get real cheap from the Philadelphia Eagles.
Did you see the halftime show? It was clean, it was wholesome, it was family friendly – that’s right - it sucked.
What I like about the Super Bowl are the commercials. Did you see the one with Burt Reynolds and the bear? The bear was the only one with his own hair.
