Saturday, February 12, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Have you seen what’s going on down there at Mardi Gras in New Orleans? That is unbelievable! Women are flashing their breasts for beads. Hey, call me old-fashioned, but I think seeing a woman’s breasts should be done in private. You know, like when she’s standing at the mirror in the bathroom and you’re on a stepladder outside the window looking in the window.
We have a huge problem here in California - have you seen the pictures of these multimillion-dollar houses sliding down the hill? Out in Anaheim Hills, because of the recent rains, these huge homes are moving. Geologists say they’re moving at the rate of one inch an hour. That’s actually faster than the traffic on the 101.
How depressing is that? You’re trying to get to work and your house is actually pulling ahead of you. Hey!
Today was the Islamic New Year over in the Middle East. Do you know who hosted their New Year’s party? Regis! The guy is everywhere! Akmed Regis!
Prince Charles is marrying his longtime girlfriend, Camilla Parker-Bowles. He’s making her his wife, because he’s just really tired of people mistaking her for his mother.
I understand it was Camilla who first brought up the subject of marriage, and when she did, Prince Charles was all ears.
Prince Charles is quite a catch. A guy in his 50s with no job ... lives with his mom ... "My prince has come!"
Everybody is getting ready. In fact, today Prince Harry took his Nazi uniform to get pressed and starched.
This is going to be a huge national event in England. Of course the queen will be there ... but enough about Elton John.
The state of Virginia has now passed a law that calls for a $50 fine for anyone who displays their underwear in a lewd or indecent manner. They’re calling this new law "Just Say No to Crack."
Imagine that, you can’t show your underwear in Virginia. Let me tell you something – the plumbers union is really going to fight this one! They have their lobbyists in Washington right now.
A Detroit area mother has been arrested for bringing her son’s heroin to him in school. Even more embarrassing to the kid, she walks in on him while he’s having sex with the teacher.
Well, folks, it happened again! In Tennessee, a 27-year-old female school gym teacher and basketball coach was charged with having sex with a 13-year-old male student. Of course the whole Tennessee community was shocked – turns out she and the kid aren’t even related.
Isn’t that crazy? A 27-year-old female gym teacher having sex with a 13-year-old male student. People can’t believe it. A straight female gym teacher? Has this ever happened?
I want to give this message to any young people that are watching: Stay in school ... but stay out of your teachers.
Of course the big question at the Robert Blake trial continues to be, Who didn’t he ask to kill his wife?
Have you been following this story? Two more stuntmen have now come forward to claim Robert Blake wanted each of them to kill his wife. Here’s my question: Why does he have to use stuntmen? How difficult was this hit going to be? What, did he want them to roll down the hill and then jump through a hoop of fire before they shot her in the head?
And former child star Corey Feldman is giving an interview on "20/20" – it airs tomorrow night – and he’s very critical of Michael Jackson. He claims they were very close when he was younger, but something came between him and Michael. I think it was called "puberty."
Here’s a bizarre story. A couple who hooked up over the Internet got the shock of their lives when they finally met and found out that they were husband and wife. They were cheating on each other with each other! That’s gotta be Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare!
Very excited – we have Academy Award nominee Alan Alda on the show, and if you’re watching "West Wing," you know that Alan Alda is playing a Republican senator who may replace President Bartlett. So, pretty soon, the Democrats may not even control the fake White House anymore.
Bob Dylan has announced that he will be touring with country legend Merle Haggard this spring. I think they’re calling it "The Old and Haggard Tour."
You all see the final episode of the "Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search" last night on NBC? They were down to the final two. Not models, viewers.
If you watch the show, you know the winner gets her pictures in the swimsuit issue and a million-dollar modeling contract. And the second-place finisher gets to pick her own porn name.
A Swiss company has come out with a new beer for gays called Queer Beer. That’s got to be tough when you’re drinking that. You know, you get pulled over by the cops: "Look, officer, I just had a couple of queers before I left the office.”
Letterman
Today is the second day of Lent. That means tonight you’re giving up entertainment.
American Airlines is making cutbacks to their flights to save money. They’re getting rid of pillows on all flights. Hey, if they want to save money, why don’t they get rid of all the bitchy male flight attendants?
American Airlines is really strapped for money. I think they’re serious, because they’re now giving pilots a two-drink limit.
Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Hallmark has come out with a new card for guys that forget about Valentine's Day. It’s a card about this size, it’s gold and maxes out at $10,000!
Big news from the royal family. Prince Charles is going to marry Camilla Parker-Bowles. The wedding is going to be April 8, and also Prince Harry will be there in full Nazi dress uniform.
Jose Canseco has a new book out. In it he tells of all the players he helped inject steroids into. There was Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Janet Reno ...
Conan
This week in Washington a fake journalist was able to get into the White House and was even able to ask President Bush a question. Luckily, someone recognized Geraldo and threw him out.
Condoleezza Rice happens to be a big fan of Beethoven. When President Bush heard this he responded, "What a coincidence, that’s my favorite movie too."
This week the first Taco Bell in Iraq opened. This means that Iraq now really has weapons of mass destruction.
The E Channel is hiring an actor to play the role of Michael Jackson in their re-enactment of the trial. They’ve also hired Tito to play Tito.
According to critics, the networks are incorporating lesbian plotlines into several shows for February sweeps. The disturbing thing is that one of the shows is "The View."
Ferguson
Today an earthquake shook Arkansas. No one was hurt, but several homes rolled several feet.
Britney Spears and her husband have launched their own clothing line. It’s perfect clothing for people that want to look like they got hit by a tornado.
In Virginia lawmakers are considering a law banning people from wearing pants that reveal their underwear in a lewd way. Of course you could get by this law by just not wearing any underwear.
Leno
Have you seen what’s going on down there at Mardi Gras in New Orleans? That is unbelievable! Women are flashing their breasts for beads. Hey, call me old-fashioned, but I think seeing a woman’s breasts should be done in private. You know, like when she’s standing at the mirror in the bathroom and you’re on a stepladder outside the window looking in the window.
We have a huge problem here in California - have you seen the pictures of these multimillion-dollar houses sliding down the hill? Out in Anaheim Hills, because of the recent rains, these huge homes are moving. Geologists say they’re moving at the rate of one inch an hour. That’s actually faster than the traffic on the 101.
How depressing is that? You’re trying to get to work and your house is actually pulling ahead of you. Hey!
Today was the Islamic New Year over in the Middle East. Do you know who hosted their New Year’s party? Regis! The guy is everywhere! Akmed Regis!
Prince Charles is marrying his longtime girlfriend, Camilla Parker-Bowles. He’s making her his wife, because he’s just really tired of people mistaking her for his mother.
I understand it was Camilla who first brought up the subject of marriage, and when she did, Prince Charles was all ears.
Prince Charles is quite a catch. A guy in his 50s with no job ... lives with his mom ... "My prince has come!"
Everybody is getting ready. In fact, today Prince Harry took his Nazi uniform to get pressed and starched.
This is going to be a huge national event in England. Of course the queen will be there ... but enough about Elton John.
The state of Virginia has now passed a law that calls for a $50 fine for anyone who displays their underwear in a lewd or indecent manner. They’re calling this new law "Just Say No to Crack."
Imagine that, you can’t show your underwear in Virginia. Let me tell you something – the plumbers union is really going to fight this one! They have their lobbyists in Washington right now.
A Detroit area mother has been arrested for bringing her son’s heroin to him in school. Even more embarrassing to the kid, she walks in on him while he’s having sex with the teacher.
Well, folks, it happened again! In Tennessee, a 27-year-old female school gym teacher and basketball coach was charged with having sex with a 13-year-old male student. Of course the whole Tennessee community was shocked – turns out she and the kid aren’t even related.
Isn’t that crazy? A 27-year-old female gym teacher having sex with a 13-year-old male student. People can’t believe it. A straight female gym teacher? Has this ever happened?
I want to give this message to any young people that are watching: Stay in school ... but stay out of your teachers.
Of course the big question at the Robert Blake trial continues to be, Who didn’t he ask to kill his wife?
Have you been following this story? Two more stuntmen have now come forward to claim Robert Blake wanted each of them to kill his wife. Here’s my question: Why does he have to use stuntmen? How difficult was this hit going to be? What, did he want them to roll down the hill and then jump through a hoop of fire before they shot her in the head?
And former child star Corey Feldman is giving an interview on "20/20" – it airs tomorrow night – and he’s very critical of Michael Jackson. He claims they were very close when he was younger, but something came between him and Michael. I think it was called "puberty."
Here’s a bizarre story. A couple who hooked up over the Internet got the shock of their lives when they finally met and found out that they were husband and wife. They were cheating on each other with each other! That’s gotta be Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare!
Very excited – we have Academy Award nominee Alan Alda on the show, and if you’re watching "West Wing," you know that Alan Alda is playing a Republican senator who may replace President Bartlett. So, pretty soon, the Democrats may not even control the fake White House anymore.
Bob Dylan has announced that he will be touring with country legend Merle Haggard this spring. I think they’re calling it "The Old and Haggard Tour."
You all see the final episode of the "Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search" last night on NBC? They were down to the final two. Not models, viewers.
If you watch the show, you know the winner gets her pictures in the swimsuit issue and a million-dollar modeling contract. And the second-place finisher gets to pick her own porn name.
A Swiss company has come out with a new beer for gays called Queer Beer. That’s got to be tough when you’re drinking that. You know, you get pulled over by the cops: "Look, officer, I just had a couple of queers before I left the office.”
Letterman
Today is the second day of Lent. That means tonight you’re giving up entertainment.
American Airlines is making cutbacks to their flights to save money. They’re getting rid of pillows on all flights. Hey, if they want to save money, why don’t they get rid of all the bitchy male flight attendants?
American Airlines is really strapped for money. I think they’re serious, because they’re now giving pilots a two-drink limit.
Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Hallmark has come out with a new card for guys that forget about Valentine's Day. It’s a card about this size, it’s gold and maxes out at $10,000!
Big news from the royal family. Prince Charles is going to marry Camilla Parker-Bowles. The wedding is going to be April 8, and also Prince Harry will be there in full Nazi dress uniform.
Jose Canseco has a new book out. In it he tells of all the players he helped inject steroids into. There was Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Janet Reno ...
Conan
This week in Washington a fake journalist was able to get into the White House and was even able to ask President Bush a question. Luckily, someone recognized Geraldo and threw him out.
Condoleezza Rice happens to be a big fan of Beethoven. When President Bush heard this he responded, "What a coincidence, that’s my favorite movie too."
This week the first Taco Bell in Iraq opened. This means that Iraq now really has weapons of mass destruction.
The E Channel is hiring an actor to play the role of Michael Jackson in their re-enactment of the trial. They’ve also hired Tito to play Tito.
According to critics, the networks are incorporating lesbian plotlines into several shows for February sweeps. The disturbing thing is that one of the shows is "The View."
Ferguson
Today an earthquake shook Arkansas. No one was hurt, but several homes rolled several feet.
Britney Spears and her husband have launched their own clothing line. It’s perfect clothing for people that want to look like they got hit by a tornado.
In Virginia lawmakers are considering a law banning people from wearing pants that reveal their underwear in a lewd way. Of course you could get by this law by just not wearing any underwear.
