Saturday, February 26, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Have you heard about this – on the Pacific Coast Highway there’s a huge boulder blocking the road, it’s the size of a house. It weighs over a million pounds. The workers can’t roll it away and they’re afraid to blow it up. Well today they called Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco, to have them carry it off the road.
Speaking of baseball - I’m so excited, this year the dodgers asked me to appear on opening day and throw out the first needle.
Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is the first time in baseball history that the players have more additives than the hot-dogs?
While President Bush was in Germany this week, thousands of Germans took to the streets to protest President Bush and the U.S. invasion of Iraq. See that’s when you know you’ve accomplished something, okay? When the Germans think you’re invading too much.
The INS now says as many as 2 million people are sneaking illegally across the border from Mexico every year. There are now more people applying to work at Wal-Mart than shop at Wal-Mart.
Tom Ridge, the former Secretary of Homeland Security, has joined the board of directors of Home Depot...his first action - sending all shoplifters to Guantanamo Bay.
Here’s a startling story – police in Portland, Oregon have arrested a 97 year old woman for selling crack. A 97 year old woman! Here’s my question - where are the parents?!
Robert Blake’s lawyers have rested their case. In fact, Blake did not take the stand in his own defense. That’s when you know you’re a bad actor…when you can’t even get a speaking part at his own trial.
In the Michael Jackson case, it looks like we now have a jury, they are eight white people, three Hispanics, and one Asian guy. Boy that sounds like the worst basketball team in history doesn’t it?
It’s raining again – I thought it was done. And now it looks like the rain could start up again during the Academy Awards. In fact today the academy called Mel Gibson and asked him if there was anything he could to. Maybe call someone. Does he know anybody?
You know how I could tell this was Oscars weekend. Today I saw the cast of "Alexander” leaving town for the weekend.
As I’m sure you know, Prince Charles and Camilla announced they’re going to get married. They’re going to get married at London’s Town Hall, where Camilla once worked. As a gargoyle.
Prince Charles announced he will not have a best man. He said, Camilla is man enough.
I am very excited – Oprah is here today. As you know, she did this thing last year where she gave away 276 cars on her show. Well, we are not going to be outdone. Tonight, everyone in our studio audience will get a picture of me standing next to my 276 cars.
Leno
Have you heard about this – on the Pacific Coast Highway there’s a huge boulder blocking the road, it’s the size of a house. It weighs over a million pounds. The workers can’t roll it away and they’re afraid to blow it up. Well today they called Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco, to have them carry it off the road.
Speaking of baseball - I’m so excited, this year the dodgers asked me to appear on opening day and throw out the first needle.
Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is the first time in baseball history that the players have more additives than the hot-dogs?
While President Bush was in Germany this week, thousands of Germans took to the streets to protest President Bush and the U.S. invasion of Iraq. See that’s when you know you’ve accomplished something, okay? When the Germans think you’re invading too much.
The INS now says as many as 2 million people are sneaking illegally across the border from Mexico every year. There are now more people applying to work at Wal-Mart than shop at Wal-Mart.
Tom Ridge, the former Secretary of Homeland Security, has joined the board of directors of Home Depot...his first action - sending all shoplifters to Guantanamo Bay.
Here’s a startling story – police in Portland, Oregon have arrested a 97 year old woman for selling crack. A 97 year old woman! Here’s my question - where are the parents?!
Robert Blake’s lawyers have rested their case. In fact, Blake did not take the stand in his own defense. That’s when you know you’re a bad actor…when you can’t even get a speaking part at his own trial.
In the Michael Jackson case, it looks like we now have a jury, they are eight white people, three Hispanics, and one Asian guy. Boy that sounds like the worst basketball team in history doesn’t it?
It’s raining again – I thought it was done. And now it looks like the rain could start up again during the Academy Awards. In fact today the academy called Mel Gibson and asked him if there was anything he could to. Maybe call someone. Does he know anybody?
You know how I could tell this was Oscars weekend. Today I saw the cast of "Alexander” leaving town for the weekend.
As I’m sure you know, Prince Charles and Camilla announced they’re going to get married. They’re going to get married at London’s Town Hall, where Camilla once worked. As a gargoyle.
Prince Charles announced he will not have a best man. He said, Camilla is man enough.
I am very excited – Oprah is here today. As you know, she did this thing last year where she gave away 276 cars on her show. Well, we are not going to be outdone. Tonight, everyone in our studio audience will get a picture of me standing next to my 276 cars.
