Thursday, February 10, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Hard to believe it’s February…..it’s February. The Super Bowl is over. The football season is over. You know what that means guys, you know what that means guys? Time to take down that Christmas lights.
Good news for the Philadelphia Eagles – even thought the New England Patriots won 24-21 since it’s Florida, the Eagles have now asked for a recount.
One of the Philadelphia eagles said today the reason the team did poorly in the 4th quarter was Donovan McNabb was getting sick in the huddle. He was sick, actually throwing up in the huddle. That’s a chunky soup ad you don’t want to see.
Did you all enjoy the Super Bowl commercials? You know they weren’t as good as usual. It’s funny when I saw George Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton walking together, I just thought it was a Super Bowl ad for Metamucil and Levitra!
Reporters have been asking Vice President Dick Cheney about the next presidential election. And Cheney says very firmly that he won’t be running in 2008. In fact he says in 2008, he probably won’t be walking. He’ll be lucky to be breathing by 2008.
President Bush has proposed an increase the federal tax on airline tickets to pay for additional security. That's great news, so now going to cost you extra to have your wife felt-up at the airport.
The airline industry is all upset about this new tax. And they say they don’t like the fact that Bush just decided to increase the price of a ticket without telling anybody. Well good, now they now how we feel when they do it.
A lot of American companies are now moving into Iraq. Iraq now has pizza hut, Subway, Taco Bell and Popeye’s fried chicken. So great, instead of oil for food, we’re giving them oil in food.
Did you hear this? Martha Stewart lost 20 pounds in prison. She’s become a lean, mean, sewing machine.
Happy Mardi Gras everybody? Today is "Fat Tuesday”. Have you looked around at America recently? Do we really need to say the "fat” part? It’s just Tuesday, isn’t it? Every day is a fat day. Tomorrow is obese Wednesday, then there’s big-boned Thursday and fat ass Friday.
I watched some softball over the weekend – Geraldo’s interview with Michael.
Michael Jackson said in his interview that being a celebrity has made him a target….well, that and having sex with young boys.
Michael Jackson’s ex-wife Debbie Rowe is talking about suing Michael for custody of the children. And today Michael said, "Look you can have them when they turn 15.”
The Lakers still looking for a coach. This is going to be tough to find someone. They need someone who is willing to listen to Kobe and then pass on what he says to the rest of the team.
I’m very excited, we have Clint Eastwood on the show tonight. You know he’s up for an Oscar for his film "Million Dollar Baby”. See you can really tell it’s Oscar season. Today I saw a hooker on Hollywood Blvd. Holding a sign that said, "50 dollar baby”.
This Sunday are the Grammy Awards. Hey Kev, what’s the difference between the Grammy’s and the Super Bowl? The Eagles have won at the Grammy’s.
Cher’s farewell tour is now in its third leg. I’m not saying it’s been going on a long time, but Cher is now dating guys who weren’t born when the tour began.
Debra messing from "Will & Grace”, lovely actress, has a new movie out called, "The Wedding Date”. It’s a romantic comedy about a single woman who hires a male escort to be her date to a wedding. That’s a real double standard don’t you think? Why is it a woman hiring an escort is "romantic”, but a man does it, he’s a pig?
In Switzerland, they now have a new beer specifically at a gay audience. It’s called "Queer Beer”. That’s the name "Queer Beer”. Great slogan – "Grab a Heiney”.
Conan
This is our first show back after the Super Bowl. It’s now being reported that Donovan McNabb was so ill during the 4th quarter that he about threw up. Actually he did throw up but it was intercepted by New England.
Vanilla Ice recently said that he thinks people will remember his song "Ice, Ice Baby” even when they’re 90. The interview was in "Deluded Moron” magazine.
Ferguson
Today is Fat Tuesday – or to Kristie Alley, just Tuesday.
This is huge deal in West Hollywood. They’re now calling for a ban on plastic surgery performed on pets. The controversy all started when a poodle got a chin lift but the poodle turned out to be Joan Rivers.
In the UK a man celebrated a rugby victory by cutting off his own testicles. He cut off his own testicles! What do you do when your team loses?
I’m a little behind the times when it comes to the kids. I thought about getting an ear pierced but that’s about it!
Leno
Hard to believe it’s February…..it’s February. The Super Bowl is over. The football season is over. You know what that means guys, you know what that means guys? Time to take down that Christmas lights.
Good news for the Philadelphia Eagles – even thought the New England Patriots won 24-21 since it’s Florida, the Eagles have now asked for a recount.
One of the Philadelphia eagles said today the reason the team did poorly in the 4th quarter was Donovan McNabb was getting sick in the huddle. He was sick, actually throwing up in the huddle. That’s a chunky soup ad you don’t want to see.
Did you all enjoy the Super Bowl commercials? You know they weren’t as good as usual. It’s funny when I saw George Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton walking together, I just thought it was a Super Bowl ad for Metamucil and Levitra!
Reporters have been asking Vice President Dick Cheney about the next presidential election. And Cheney says very firmly that he won’t be running in 2008. In fact he says in 2008, he probably won’t be walking. He’ll be lucky to be breathing by 2008.
President Bush has proposed an increase the federal tax on airline tickets to pay for additional security. That's great news, so now going to cost you extra to have your wife felt-up at the airport.
The airline industry is all upset about this new tax. And they say they don’t like the fact that Bush just decided to increase the price of a ticket without telling anybody. Well good, now they now how we feel when they do it.
A lot of American companies are now moving into Iraq. Iraq now has pizza hut, Subway, Taco Bell and Popeye’s fried chicken. So great, instead of oil for food, we’re giving them oil in food.
Did you hear this? Martha Stewart lost 20 pounds in prison. She’s become a lean, mean, sewing machine.
Happy Mardi Gras everybody? Today is "Fat Tuesday”. Have you looked around at America recently? Do we really need to say the "fat” part? It’s just Tuesday, isn’t it? Every day is a fat day. Tomorrow is obese Wednesday, then there’s big-boned Thursday and fat ass Friday.
I watched some softball over the weekend – Geraldo’s interview with Michael.
Michael Jackson said in his interview that being a celebrity has made him a target….well, that and having sex with young boys.
Michael Jackson’s ex-wife Debbie Rowe is talking about suing Michael for custody of the children. And today Michael said, "Look you can have them when they turn 15.”
The Lakers still looking for a coach. This is going to be tough to find someone. They need someone who is willing to listen to Kobe and then pass on what he says to the rest of the team.
I’m very excited, we have Clint Eastwood on the show tonight. You know he’s up for an Oscar for his film "Million Dollar Baby”. See you can really tell it’s Oscar season. Today I saw a hooker on Hollywood Blvd. Holding a sign that said, "50 dollar baby”.
This Sunday are the Grammy Awards. Hey Kev, what’s the difference between the Grammy’s and the Super Bowl? The Eagles have won at the Grammy’s.
Cher’s farewell tour is now in its third leg. I’m not saying it’s been going on a long time, but Cher is now dating guys who weren’t born when the tour began.
Debra messing from "Will & Grace”, lovely actress, has a new movie out called, "The Wedding Date”. It’s a romantic comedy about a single woman who hires a male escort to be her date to a wedding. That’s a real double standard don’t you think? Why is it a woman hiring an escort is "romantic”, but a man does it, he’s a pig?
In Switzerland, they now have a new beer specifically at a gay audience. It’s called "Queer Beer”. That’s the name "Queer Beer”. Great slogan – "Grab a Heiney”.
Conan
This is our first show back after the Super Bowl. It’s now being reported that Donovan McNabb was so ill during the 4th quarter that he about threw up. Actually he did throw up but it was intercepted by New England.
Vanilla Ice recently said that he thinks people will remember his song "Ice, Ice Baby” even when they’re 90. The interview was in "Deluded Moron” magazine.
Ferguson
Today is Fat Tuesday – or to Kristie Alley, just Tuesday.
This is huge deal in West Hollywood. They’re now calling for a ban on plastic surgery performed on pets. The controversy all started when a poodle got a chin lift but the poodle turned out to be Joan Rivers.
In the UK a man celebrated a rugby victory by cutting off his own testicles. He cut off his own testicles! What do you do when your team loses?
I’m a little behind the times when it comes to the kids. I thought about getting an ear pierced but that’s about it!
