Monday, February 14, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody! Or, as Robert Blake calls it, Monday.
We have a special audience tonight: the 200 men in the country too cheap to take their dates out to dinner.
Whatever you do, don’t give your valentine a box of those Jose Canseco chocolates. They’re filled with steroids. They’ll make her ass really huge!
For Valentine’s Day today, I understand Bill Clinton sent two dozen red roses to Hillary ... well, Hillary Duff.
I tell you, I got a valentine that kind of creeped me out today. It was from my proctologist.
A lot of schools around the country gave kids today off. A lot of schools here are closed today. I guess they feel Valentine’s Day puts too much pressure on the kids to have sex with the teachers, and then some kids are left out.
How many watched the Grammy Awards last night? Did you see Janet Reno? She was nominated for best spoken-word book. She used to be a member of that group "They Might Be Giants."
You know who else was there? Hulk Hogan and Janet Reno. Boy, how do you tell those two apart?
Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys earned the Grammy for best rock instrumental of the year ... I believe the year was 1966 if I’m not mistaken.
What was that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were singing in that bedroom? What was that? "Gigli" the musical?
That song lasted longer than her first two marriages.
As you know, Prince Charles is going to marry his former mistress, Camilla Parker Bowles. He’s 56; I believe she’s 87.
Charles first met Camilla at a polo match in the early '70s when he mistakenly tried to mount her.
North Korea has declared they have nuclear weapons, saying they need them to protect themselves from a hostile United States. The U.S. says North Korea has nothing to fear from America. Bush said, "Don’t these people understand we only attack countries that don’t have weapons of mass destruction? What are we, idiots?!"
The British government has now given the company that created Dolly the sheep a human cloning license. Cloning in Britain! A lot of people in Britain are worried it could lead to genetic accidents and human mutations. Look, one royal family is enough! We’ve seen what can happen.
Health experts in Europe now say one carrot a day can keep you free of colon cancer. I just hope you eat it.
Did you all see Jose Canseco on "60 Minutes" last night? You know, I had to watch it on my big screen so I could fit his entire head in the picture.
Jose Canseco’s book is being banned at Wal-Mart. This isn’t the first time someone named Jose has been treated badly at Wal-Mart!
Martha Stewart is scheduled to be released from prison on March 6. People magazine is reporting she’s having a hard time deciding what to wear because prison regulations say her clothes can’t cost more than $100. So for the first time ever, she might actually have to wear something that was actually bought at a Kmart.
There were reports that Jessica Simpson’s husband, Nick Lachey, was caught asking a blonde for her number at a party, but it turns out the blonde was Jessica. He occasionally quizzes her to see if she can remember her phone number.
There are rumors that Madonna has been cut out of her husband’s new movie. I don’t want to say Madonna is a bad actress, but it’s a home movie.
Letterman
I know what you’re thinking: Gee, Dave looks good, he looks tremendous. But I had a miserable, horrible weekend. I was ratted out by Jose Canseco.
Did you watch "60 Minutes" with Jose Canseco? It was crazy. He talked about all the players in Major League Baseball that he injected with steroids. Then he got crazy and injected steroids into Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.
Last night right here on CBS was the Grammy Awards. Honestly, what better place than right here on CBS? The hip-hop network.
Jennifer Lopez proved that she could sing off-key in two languages.
Seriously, the show was so long and so boring, I thought I was hosting.
Today is Valentine’s Day. Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody! Valentine’s Day is fun. Every year I have a ritual. I have my assistant send me a big box of chocolates so I don’t look like I’m a loser.
On Valentine’s Day you buy flowers and chocolates and the next thing you know your wife takes you to court.
It’s a busy week here in New York City. The big Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is going on. Are some of you involved? I thought I smelled flea collars.
The dogs are judged on poise, obedience and strong hindquarters. It’s the same way Donald Trump picks a wife.
Leno
Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody! Or, as Robert Blake calls it, Monday.
We have a special audience tonight: the 200 men in the country too cheap to take their dates out to dinner.
Whatever you do, don’t give your valentine a box of those Jose Canseco chocolates. They’re filled with steroids. They’ll make her ass really huge!
For Valentine’s Day today, I understand Bill Clinton sent two dozen red roses to Hillary ... well, Hillary Duff.
I tell you, I got a valentine that kind of creeped me out today. It was from my proctologist.
A lot of schools around the country gave kids today off. A lot of schools here are closed today. I guess they feel Valentine’s Day puts too much pressure on the kids to have sex with the teachers, and then some kids are left out.
How many watched the Grammy Awards last night? Did you see Janet Reno? She was nominated for best spoken-word book. She used to be a member of that group "They Might Be Giants."
You know who else was there? Hulk Hogan and Janet Reno. Boy, how do you tell those two apart?
Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys earned the Grammy for best rock instrumental of the year ... I believe the year was 1966 if I’m not mistaken.
What was that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were singing in that bedroom? What was that? "Gigli" the musical?
That song lasted longer than her first two marriages.
As you know, Prince Charles is going to marry his former mistress, Camilla Parker Bowles. He’s 56; I believe she’s 87.
Charles first met Camilla at a polo match in the early '70s when he mistakenly tried to mount her.
North Korea has declared they have nuclear weapons, saying they need them to protect themselves from a hostile United States. The U.S. says North Korea has nothing to fear from America. Bush said, "Don’t these people understand we only attack countries that don’t have weapons of mass destruction? What are we, idiots?!"
The British government has now given the company that created Dolly the sheep a human cloning license. Cloning in Britain! A lot of people in Britain are worried it could lead to genetic accidents and human mutations. Look, one royal family is enough! We’ve seen what can happen.
Health experts in Europe now say one carrot a day can keep you free of colon cancer. I just hope you eat it.
Did you all see Jose Canseco on "60 Minutes" last night? You know, I had to watch it on my big screen so I could fit his entire head in the picture.
Jose Canseco’s book is being banned at Wal-Mart. This isn’t the first time someone named Jose has been treated badly at Wal-Mart!
Martha Stewart is scheduled to be released from prison on March 6. People magazine is reporting she’s having a hard time deciding what to wear because prison regulations say her clothes can’t cost more than $100. So for the first time ever, she might actually have to wear something that was actually bought at a Kmart.
There were reports that Jessica Simpson’s husband, Nick Lachey, was caught asking a blonde for her number at a party, but it turns out the blonde was Jessica. He occasionally quizzes her to see if she can remember her phone number.
There are rumors that Madonna has been cut out of her husband’s new movie. I don’t want to say Madonna is a bad actress, but it’s a home movie.
Letterman
I know what you’re thinking: Gee, Dave looks good, he looks tremendous. But I had a miserable, horrible weekend. I was ratted out by Jose Canseco.
Did you watch "60 Minutes" with Jose Canseco? It was crazy. He talked about all the players in Major League Baseball that he injected with steroids. Then he got crazy and injected steroids into Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.
Last night right here on CBS was the Grammy Awards. Honestly, what better place than right here on CBS? The hip-hop network.
Jennifer Lopez proved that she could sing off-key in two languages.
Seriously, the show was so long and so boring, I thought I was hosting.
Today is Valentine’s Day. Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody! Valentine’s Day is fun. Every year I have a ritual. I have my assistant send me a big box of chocolates so I don’t look like I’m a loser.
On Valentine’s Day you buy flowers and chocolates and the next thing you know your wife takes you to court.
It’s a busy week here in New York City. The big Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is going on. Are some of you involved? I thought I smelled flea collars.
The dogs are judged on poise, obedience and strong hindquarters. It’s the same way Donald Trump picks a wife.
