Friday, February 18, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Good news today from the hospital - Michael Jackson’s condition has been upgraded from nutball to weirdo.
Here’s my question - how do you know when Michael Jackson is sick? Does the color suddenly return to his cheeks?
Actually, if you saw the press conference, doctors in the ER examined Michael for over an hour. They said it was like an episode of alien autopsy. None of the organs were in the same place ...
But the good news is, they said this is the first time Michael Jackson could actually go into a hospital and come out with the same nose he went in with.
Have you heard about this? This is true. For some reason I’m being called as a witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Actually, they told me I’m a minor witness. As opposed to most of the witnesses, who are minors.
There was a lawsuit filed in Hollywood today for racial discrimination. A black stuntman claims Robert Blake never asked him to kill his wife.
The other day Robert Blake started crying and ran out of the courtroom. Friends say he was upset because he was alone on Valentine’s Day. Well, whose fault is that? Hel-lo!
I made a real score on eBay today. Front-row seats, season tickets for L.A. Kings hockey.
Because of a labor dispute between the players and the owners, the National Hockey League canceled the entire season today. The entire National Hockey League season was canceled today. Canceled? I didn’t even know it was on NBC. That’s amazing.
Canceling hockey. I just hope there’s no riots in South Central tonight. It’s going to be a tinderbox when people find out about this.
Up in Boston, defrocked priest Paul Shanley was found guilty on all charges of sexually assaulting young children at his church. He got fifteen years in prison - great, now he gets to be the alter boy.
I’m very excited - Charles Barkley is on the show. Did you know he’s no longer calling himself Sir Charles? That title is reserved for Camilla.
As I’m sure you know by now, Mary Kay Letourneau, the Seattle teacher, is going to marry her former sixth-grade student. They said it’ll be the first wedding where every table is a children’s table.
Some gossip - the wedding was almost called off today. Apparently, Mary Kay found out that at her fiance’s bachelor party, he brought in a substitute teacher.
A Nebraska man has been arrested for stealing a Greyhound bus, getting drunk, and trying to crash into his ex-wife’s trailer home because he thought she was cheating on him. This could be the first time ever that a crime gets nominated for a country music award.
I picked up Jose Canseco’s new book about steroids and it’s amazing. When I bought it, it was 175 pages. Put it on the table, next morning it’s up to 225. It’s amazing.
Letterman
Crime in New York City is down 10 percent. I think it’s true, because it’s been months since I’ve been taken to the woods at gunpoint to dig my own grave.
The FDA is forming a drug safety board that will test all new drugs before they go out on the market. Isn’t that already being handled by Courtney Love?
Kobe Bryant is a witness for the defense in the Michael Jackson trial. That makes a lot of sense, too. When you think character witness, you think Kobe Bryant!
Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital yesterday due to the flu. His condition has since been upgraded from serious to creepy.
Conan
Here’s an odd story. Yesterday a painting of dogs playing poker sold at an auction for $600,000. No word yet where exactly it will be placed in the White House.
The U.S. Navy just put a new sub named after Jimmy Carter into commission. The sub will be ineffective for four years but then be widely respected after it’s retired.
President Clinton and wife Hillary were seen holding hands at a D.C. restaurant. Later Hillary said that they weren’t holding hands but were actually arm wrestling and that she won.
Ferguson
Michael Jackson checked into a hospital yesterday for the flu. But he’s doing fine now. Today he was dangling his doctor from a balcony.
Doctors say he will be fine and back to freaking people out within 72 hours.
Leno
Good news today from the hospital - Michael Jackson’s condition has been upgraded from nutball to weirdo.
Here’s my question - how do you know when Michael Jackson is sick? Does the color suddenly return to his cheeks?
Actually, if you saw the press conference, doctors in the ER examined Michael for over an hour. They said it was like an episode of alien autopsy. None of the organs were in the same place ...
But the good news is, they said this is the first time Michael Jackson could actually go into a hospital and come out with the same nose he went in with.
Have you heard about this? This is true. For some reason I’m being called as a witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Actually, they told me I’m a minor witness. As opposed to most of the witnesses, who are minors.
There was a lawsuit filed in Hollywood today for racial discrimination. A black stuntman claims Robert Blake never asked him to kill his wife.
The other day Robert Blake started crying and ran out of the courtroom. Friends say he was upset because he was alone on Valentine’s Day. Well, whose fault is that? Hel-lo!
I made a real score on eBay today. Front-row seats, season tickets for L.A. Kings hockey.
Because of a labor dispute between the players and the owners, the National Hockey League canceled the entire season today. The entire National Hockey League season was canceled today. Canceled? I didn’t even know it was on NBC. That’s amazing.
Canceling hockey. I just hope there’s no riots in South Central tonight. It’s going to be a tinderbox when people find out about this.
Up in Boston, defrocked priest Paul Shanley was found guilty on all charges of sexually assaulting young children at his church. He got fifteen years in prison - great, now he gets to be the alter boy.
I’m very excited - Charles Barkley is on the show. Did you know he’s no longer calling himself Sir Charles? That title is reserved for Camilla.
As I’m sure you know by now, Mary Kay Letourneau, the Seattle teacher, is going to marry her former sixth-grade student. They said it’ll be the first wedding where every table is a children’s table.
Some gossip - the wedding was almost called off today. Apparently, Mary Kay found out that at her fiance’s bachelor party, he brought in a substitute teacher.
A Nebraska man has been arrested for stealing a Greyhound bus, getting drunk, and trying to crash into his ex-wife’s trailer home because he thought she was cheating on him. This could be the first time ever that a crime gets nominated for a country music award.
I picked up Jose Canseco’s new book about steroids and it’s amazing. When I bought it, it was 175 pages. Put it on the table, next morning it’s up to 225. It’s amazing.
Letterman
Crime in New York City is down 10 percent. I think it’s true, because it’s been months since I’ve been taken to the woods at gunpoint to dig my own grave.
The FDA is forming a drug safety board that will test all new drugs before they go out on the market. Isn’t that already being handled by Courtney Love?
Kobe Bryant is a witness for the defense in the Michael Jackson trial. That makes a lot of sense, too. When you think character witness, you think Kobe Bryant!
Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital yesterday due to the flu. His condition has since been upgraded from serious to creepy.
Conan
Here’s an odd story. Yesterday a painting of dogs playing poker sold at an auction for $600,000. No word yet where exactly it will be placed in the White House.
The U.S. Navy just put a new sub named after Jimmy Carter into commission. The sub will be ineffective for four years but then be widely respected after it’s retired.
President Clinton and wife Hillary were seen holding hands at a D.C. restaurant. Later Hillary said that they weren’t holding hands but were actually arm wrestling and that she won.
Ferguson
Michael Jackson checked into a hospital yesterday for the flu. But he’s doing fine now. Today he was dangling his doctor from a balcony.
Doctors say he will be fine and back to freaking people out within 72 hours.
