Friday, February 11, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Did you hear about this? It's being reported that Teresa Heinz Kerry says she’s dropping the "Kerry" from her last name. She's going back to her maiden name, Teresa Heinz. You thought John had a long face before.
I'm sorry I was almost late for the show tonight. I was backstage shooting up some steroids with Jose Canseco. I can bench-press 480 now!
In his new book, Jose Canseco said that he injected steroids into the body of Mark McGwire. McGwire denied the allegations. In fact, he was so angry that he ripped five of Canseco's books in half at once.
The city of Boston held its third victory parade in 12 months yesterday. Kev, you know what the secret to a good victory parade is? I didn't think you'd know – you're from Philly!
People are always complaining that football is really so complicated. Is it really, though? Think about it – how complicated could it be if Terry Bradshaw is explaining things to you?
Pizza Hut introduced a new pizza for the Super Bowl called the "Dippin' Strips" pizza. Have you seen this thing? It's a regular pizza sliced up into strips. It's not slices, it's strips, and they give you dip to dip it into. How fat are we getting? Pizza is not greasy enough? Now we have to have extra oil to dip it in?!
A worldwide anti-terrorism conference was held recently in Saudi Arabia. An anti-terrorism conference in Saudi Arabia. Kind of like having a child protection conference at the Neverland Ranch.
Smoking in public places like restaurants is now illegal in Cuba. The Cuban authorities say that second-hand smoke is dangerous to their citizens' health – almost as dangerous as free speech, holding a demonstration or criticizing the government.
American Airlines announced, in an effort to cut costs, they're getting rid of pillows on all flights. The total estimated savings? Well, over sixty dollars!
They’re getting rid of pillows. That’s in first class. In coach they're actually going to take the foam out of the seats. You'll just sit on a metal frame!
Actually, they said it was very expensive because once a year they had to clean the pillows and the head lice in them would jam the vacuum.
Some sad news – according to the National Enquirer, Amber Frey and the father of her 9-month-old son are splitting up. I guess she found out he was married.
That's the bad news, Amber Frey and her new boyfriend are breaking up. The good news, Scott Peterson and his new boyfriend are closer than ever.
Community leaders in West Hollywood, California, are trying to ban cosmetic surgery for pets. Forget about pets, how about banning cosmetic surgery for Burt Reynolds? Can we do something about that?
And Cher too! I don't want to say Cher's had a lot of work done, but the other day she smiled and tore a rotator cuff.
Letterman
It’s a great time to be in New York City this week. It’s Fashion Week. Everyone is excited. Why, this morning my cab driver unveiled his new fragrance.
Crime in New York City is at an all-time low. It’s never been lower. I think it’s true, too, because it’s been weeks since I’ve had to use my necktie as a tourniquet.
It’s Chinese New Year. It’s the Year of the Rooster. The funny thing is I’m still writing Year of the Monkey on my checks.
I’ve been using that joke since the Year of the Donkey.
The Israelis and Palestinians have reached a cease-fire agreement. It took a long time, but they finally came together and solved that salary cap issue.
Conan
Here’s an odd story. In a new book, Jose Canseco says that he took steroids while playing for the Texas Rangers and then-owner President Bush knew all about it. Today President Bush responded by saying that he’s never known all about anything, ever.
In a recent interview, Corey Feldman says that some parts of his childhood relationship with Michael Jackson were not so innocent. What’s even more shocking is that someone interviewed Corey Feldman.
Ferguson
Valentine's Day is coming up. It’ll be here in five days. And if you haven’t got the perfect gift yet, then don’t worry – it’s still not too late to break up.
The U.S. Postal Service issued a Ronald Reagan stamp today. I can’t wait for the George W. Bush stamp. You’ll put it on a letter and the letter will go to Iraq and then return and the stamp won’t be able to explain it was doing there.
Bruce Willis will soon be working on a "Die Hard 4." He will play the role of a retired cop trapped in a bad sequel.
Leno
Did you hear about this? It's being reported that Teresa Heinz Kerry says she’s dropping the "Kerry" from her last name. She's going back to her maiden name, Teresa Heinz. You thought John had a long face before.
I'm sorry I was almost late for the show tonight. I was backstage shooting up some steroids with Jose Canseco. I can bench-press 480 now!
In his new book, Jose Canseco said that he injected steroids into the body of Mark McGwire. McGwire denied the allegations. In fact, he was so angry that he ripped five of Canseco's books in half at once.
The city of Boston held its third victory parade in 12 months yesterday. Kev, you know what the secret to a good victory parade is? I didn't think you'd know – you're from Philly!
People are always complaining that football is really so complicated. Is it really, though? Think about it – how complicated could it be if Terry Bradshaw is explaining things to you?
Pizza Hut introduced a new pizza for the Super Bowl called the "Dippin' Strips" pizza. Have you seen this thing? It's a regular pizza sliced up into strips. It's not slices, it's strips, and they give you dip to dip it into. How fat are we getting? Pizza is not greasy enough? Now we have to have extra oil to dip it in?!
A worldwide anti-terrorism conference was held recently in Saudi Arabia. An anti-terrorism conference in Saudi Arabia. Kind of like having a child protection conference at the Neverland Ranch.
Smoking in public places like restaurants is now illegal in Cuba. The Cuban authorities say that second-hand smoke is dangerous to their citizens' health – almost as dangerous as free speech, holding a demonstration or criticizing the government.
American Airlines announced, in an effort to cut costs, they're getting rid of pillows on all flights. The total estimated savings? Well, over sixty dollars!
They’re getting rid of pillows. That’s in first class. In coach they're actually going to take the foam out of the seats. You'll just sit on a metal frame!
Actually, they said it was very expensive because once a year they had to clean the pillows and the head lice in them would jam the vacuum.
Some sad news – according to the National Enquirer, Amber Frey and the father of her 9-month-old son are splitting up. I guess she found out he was married.
That's the bad news, Amber Frey and her new boyfriend are breaking up. The good news, Scott Peterson and his new boyfriend are closer than ever.
Community leaders in West Hollywood, California, are trying to ban cosmetic surgery for pets. Forget about pets, how about banning cosmetic surgery for Burt Reynolds? Can we do something about that?
And Cher too! I don't want to say Cher's had a lot of work done, but the other day she smiled and tore a rotator cuff.
Letterman
It’s a great time to be in New York City this week. It’s Fashion Week. Everyone is excited. Why, this morning my cab driver unveiled his new fragrance.
Crime in New York City is at an all-time low. It’s never been lower. I think it’s true, too, because it’s been weeks since I’ve had to use my necktie as a tourniquet.
It’s Chinese New Year. It’s the Year of the Rooster. The funny thing is I’m still writing Year of the Monkey on my checks.
I’ve been using that joke since the Year of the Donkey.
The Israelis and Palestinians have reached a cease-fire agreement. It took a long time, but they finally came together and solved that salary cap issue.
Conan
Here’s an odd story. In a new book, Jose Canseco says that he took steroids while playing for the Texas Rangers and then-owner President Bush knew all about it. Today President Bush responded by saying that he’s never known all about anything, ever.
In a recent interview, Corey Feldman says that some parts of his childhood relationship with Michael Jackson were not so innocent. What’s even more shocking is that someone interviewed Corey Feldman.
Ferguson
Valentine's Day is coming up. It’ll be here in five days. And if you haven’t got the perfect gift yet, then don’t worry – it’s still not too late to break up.
The U.S. Postal Service issued a Ronald Reagan stamp today. I can’t wait for the George W. Bush stamp. You’ll put it on a letter and the letter will go to Iraq and then return and the stamp won’t be able to explain it was doing there.
Bruce Willis will soon be working on a "Die Hard 4." He will play the role of a retired cop trapped in a bad sequel.
