Saturday, February 19, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Any hockey fans here tonight? Of course you’re here – you have nowhere else to go!
Yesterday the NHL canceled the rest of their season. To which the Clippers said, "You can do that?"
The NHL hockey season has been canceled. Fans are disappointed, but the action is expected to save over 3,000 teeth.
Right now the only pro athlete on the ice is Ted Williams.
As you know, on Tuesday Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital with nausea, dizziness and vomiting. Apparently, on the way to the courthouse his lawyers must have shown him all the evidence against him.
I was trying to see if there were any stories in the news that are not about Michael Jackson ... here’s one – NASA officials say they found possible evidence of life on Mars. No, that sounds like a Michael Jackson joke too ...
Here’s some interesting presidential trivia – historians this week named Warren G. Harding the dumbest president of all time. I understand President Bush is demanding a recount.
There’s a report that al-Qaida is planning to enter the U.S. by sneaking over the Mexican border. I’d like to see someone try and do that!
In fact, al-Qaida already has an organization in place in Mexico called al-Taco.
Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clintons’ former business partners can vote for her in 2008.
Singer George Michael has announced he’s quitting the world of pop music. Boy, first Jose Canseco, now George Michael. This has not been a good week for guys who inject other guys in the men’s room.
George Michael said he’s quitting pop music because it’s about celebrity now and nobody wants to hear about politics in pop music anymore. Not like when he was making strong political statements when he sang, "Wake me up before you go-go, don’t leave me hanging on like a yo-yo." Which of course was about the Gulf of Tonkin incident.
According to the Billboard Web site, Latoya Jackson is coming out with a new album. Hey, you know, forget Michael’s problems. Can’t we get a court order to stop this? This seems really more important.
A number of legal experts in England are now claiming that Charles and Camilla’s upcoming civil ceremony wedding may not be legal. Apparently she has not had all of her shots.
They haven’t finalized the title for the Jessica Simpson exercise video. I think it’s going to be called "Sweating to the Big Words."
Today is Paris Hilton’s birthday. If you want to get her something, you can’t go wrong with a lens cap.
According to a poll by an advertising company as to what people would do with an extra 1,000 minutes a day, the number one choice for women was read a book. The number one choice for men was to have sex. Well, see, guys are smart. Because they know after sex they still have 998 minutes left to read a book.
Letterman
Crime in New York is at an all-time low. I think it must be true. It’s been months since I’ve had the emergency room doctor give me a slug as a souvenir.
Have you seen the big Central Park art display? It is giant sheets of fabric in the breeze, that’s what it is. It’s sort of like Kristie Alley’s clothesline.
Kid Rock was arrested for punching a guy in a strip club. That’s not really news. That’s just what Kid Rock does. It’s like J. Lo getting married.
A big celebrity birthday today. Paris Hilton turns 24! What do you get a girl that’s had everyone?
NASA has uncovered evidence of life on Mars. There’s life in the caves, the water, and some on trial in Santa Barbara.
Leno
Any hockey fans here tonight? Of course you’re here – you have nowhere else to go!
Yesterday the NHL canceled the rest of their season. To which the Clippers said, "You can do that?"
The NHL hockey season has been canceled. Fans are disappointed, but the action is expected to save over 3,000 teeth.
Right now the only pro athlete on the ice is Ted Williams.
As you know, on Tuesday Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital with nausea, dizziness and vomiting. Apparently, on the way to the courthouse his lawyers must have shown him all the evidence against him.
I was trying to see if there were any stories in the news that are not about Michael Jackson ... here’s one – NASA officials say they found possible evidence of life on Mars. No, that sounds like a Michael Jackson joke too ...
Here’s some interesting presidential trivia – historians this week named Warren G. Harding the dumbest president of all time. I understand President Bush is demanding a recount.
There’s a report that al-Qaida is planning to enter the U.S. by sneaking over the Mexican border. I’d like to see someone try and do that!
In fact, al-Qaida already has an organization in place in Mexico called al-Taco.
Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clintons’ former business partners can vote for her in 2008.
Singer George Michael has announced he’s quitting the world of pop music. Boy, first Jose Canseco, now George Michael. This has not been a good week for guys who inject other guys in the men’s room.
George Michael said he’s quitting pop music because it’s about celebrity now and nobody wants to hear about politics in pop music anymore. Not like when he was making strong political statements when he sang, "Wake me up before you go-go, don’t leave me hanging on like a yo-yo." Which of course was about the Gulf of Tonkin incident.
According to the Billboard Web site, Latoya Jackson is coming out with a new album. Hey, you know, forget Michael’s problems. Can’t we get a court order to stop this? This seems really more important.
A number of legal experts in England are now claiming that Charles and Camilla’s upcoming civil ceremony wedding may not be legal. Apparently she has not had all of her shots.
They haven’t finalized the title for the Jessica Simpson exercise video. I think it’s going to be called "Sweating to the Big Words."
Today is Paris Hilton’s birthday. If you want to get her something, you can’t go wrong with a lens cap.
According to a poll by an advertising company as to what people would do with an extra 1,000 minutes a day, the number one choice for women was read a book. The number one choice for men was to have sex. Well, see, guys are smart. Because they know after sex they still have 998 minutes left to read a book.
Letterman
Crime in New York is at an all-time low. I think it must be true. It’s been months since I’ve had the emergency room doctor give me a slug as a souvenir.
Have you seen the big Central Park art display? It is giant sheets of fabric in the breeze, that’s what it is. It’s sort of like Kristie Alley’s clothesline.
Kid Rock was arrested for punching a guy in a strip club. That’s not really news. That’s just what Kid Rock does. It’s like J. Lo getting married.
A big celebrity birthday today. Paris Hilton turns 24! What do you get a girl that’s had everyone?
NASA has uncovered evidence of life on Mars. There’s life in the caves, the water, and some on trial in Santa Barbara.
