Thursday, January 20, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
You know what’s interesting - a lot of celebrities complaining about the cost and the glamour of the inauguration. They think the millions of dollars instead of being spent on frivolous parties could be put to better use. Like the Golden Globes or the People’s Choice Awards. Something like that.
It is a beautiful day here in California but there’s a huge cold spell has hit the east. The wind chill was something like – 45 degrees in New York today. It was colder than Doug Brien’s field goal kicking.
It was so cold in Washington, Marion Barry was using his crack pipe as a space heater!
It’s so cold in Washington for the inauguration tomorrow they might need to use jumper cables to start the president’s limo and Dick Cheney.
Tomorrow of course is President Bush’s big inauguration. Bush said being reelected doesn’t have the same pressures as the first term and he says he wants to enjoy himself in the oval office this time. Well not as much as Clinton enjoyed himself, but he wants to….
Security will be so tight, the only Arabs allowed in any of the inaugural parties will have to show proof they own an oil well.
Republican speech writer Peggy Noonan, says that a president's second inaugural speech usually refers to the accomplishments of the past four years. So the good news is, it should be a really short speech.
An article in the "New Yorker” magazine says that the next place the Bush administration is planning to attack is Iran. Boy, that seems like a mistake, doesn't it? Shouldn’t we go after the Neverland Ranch first? Free those people?
Here in California a convicted murderer was executed by the State of California this morning. The bad news, it wasn’t Scott Peterson.
Virgin Airlines announced that they’re going to have a casino on their new giant double-decker airplane. Do you really need casinos on airplanes? I mean, the pilots are drunk, you’re breathing the same air as 550 other people, security is being handled by a bunch of minimum wage workers, how much more gambling do you need? Oh, let’s throw dice too!
They try to make it sound so cool. They have say this plane has a private bar. It’s a private bar? Is there a big problem with passengers from other planes stopping in for a drink?
According to a new poll, 66% of baseball fans feel baseball’s new steroid policy doesn’t go far enough. A first offense only suspends you for ten games. Fans want a steeper penalty. That’s now during the off-season. Wait ‘til they sit through a few one to nothing games. They’ll be going "we want steroids! We want steroids!”
Some colleges such as Rutgers University are now beginning to offer dorms for recovering alcoholics. As opposed to regular college dorms, which train you to be an alcoholic?
Robert Blake and the jury have now been taken to Vitello’s twice. The defense is concerned jurors will be influenced by the restaurant’s new slogan: "Where Robert Blake killed his wife.”
More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See what happened was, whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one….and then another one…and then another one.
Here’s the latest in the Kobe Bryant civil trial — his lawyers said the other side can’t ask for his sexual history because it would be unfair to all his sex partners. Technically they’re silent partners — whenever they tried to say no, Kobe would say, "Be quiet”.
Kobe is out for at least two weeks with a severely sprained ankle. Kobe’s wife is keeping tabs on his injury. In fact, I think her exact words were, "Give me a ring when you can play again.”
CBS is considering replacing Dan Rather with multiple news anchors. As opposed to Dan, who was one anchor with multiple personalities?
ABC is working on a 4-hour miniseries that will be a remake of the Ten Commandments. Of course, first they have to buy the rights to the bible from Mel Gibson.
Kirstie Alley is busy filming her new show – "Two and a Half Women.”
Letterman
(Guest host Paul Schaeffer) I thank you for masking your disappointment with applause.
For those viewing at home I’ll give you a minute to find the remote.
I’m Paul Schaeffer and I’m guest hosting tonight. Dave is off tonight. He’s accepting an award. In otherwords he’s in rehab.
He’s in Michigan tonight to accept a trophy along with his racing team for the Indy 500 win. Dave owns a racing team along with Bobby Rahal. They just had a great year. Just impressive. They averaged 138 miles per hour – and that was just Dave on his way to Michigan.
Since I’m hosting tonight I was hoping I’d get to flirt with some beautiful starlets. They booked Harvey Feirstein.
Everyone has been congratulating me and wishing me luck on hosting tonight. CBS sent me a forged congratulations letter.
I hope Dave isn’t Tivo-ing this.
Conan
The big inauguration is tomorrow. In preparation today President Bush visited the National Archives and saw an original copy of The Constitution. When the president saw The Constitution he said, "There’s that thing from School House Rock!”
A man in Florida has been arrested for selling marijuana while working at a Long John Silvers. Police became suspicious when they saw someone going into Long John Silvers.
A lot of the country is cold right now. Some places it’s 50 below. You can tell it’s cold out because today some of the red states turned blue.
This weekend Mets catcher Mike Piazza is getting married. The wedding is going to be a small one, Piazza, his wife and the three remaining Mets fans.
Ferguson
Everyone in Washington is getting ready for the inauguration tomorrow. Security is very tight. There’s anti-aircraft missiles at the capitol. There’s F-16’s patrolling the air around Washington. And all the bartenders have been given strict warnings not to serve the Bush twins.
Today Condoleezza Rice was confirmed. When the president heard the news he said, "I didn’t even know she was Catholic.”
Midwest Airlines has announced they will start a new frequent flyer program for animals. That’s a logical step since they already serve dog food.
Pitcher Roger Clemens is asking for $22 million dollars in his contract in order to play next season. $22 million! How expensive have steroids gotten?
Leno
You know what’s interesting - a lot of celebrities complaining about the cost and the glamour of the inauguration. They think the millions of dollars instead of being spent on frivolous parties could be put to better use. Like the Golden Globes or the People’s Choice Awards. Something like that.
It is a beautiful day here in California but there’s a huge cold spell has hit the east. The wind chill was something like – 45 degrees in New York today. It was colder than Doug Brien’s field goal kicking.
It was so cold in Washington, Marion Barry was using his crack pipe as a space heater!
It’s so cold in Washington for the inauguration tomorrow they might need to use jumper cables to start the president’s limo and Dick Cheney.
Tomorrow of course is President Bush’s big inauguration. Bush said being reelected doesn’t have the same pressures as the first term and he says he wants to enjoy himself in the oval office this time. Well not as much as Clinton enjoyed himself, but he wants to….
Security will be so tight, the only Arabs allowed in any of the inaugural parties will have to show proof they own an oil well.
Republican speech writer Peggy Noonan, says that a president's second inaugural speech usually refers to the accomplishments of the past four years. So the good news is, it should be a really short speech.
An article in the "New Yorker” magazine says that the next place the Bush administration is planning to attack is Iran. Boy, that seems like a mistake, doesn't it? Shouldn’t we go after the Neverland Ranch first? Free those people?
Here in California a convicted murderer was executed by the State of California this morning. The bad news, it wasn’t Scott Peterson.
Virgin Airlines announced that they’re going to have a casino on their new giant double-decker airplane. Do you really need casinos on airplanes? I mean, the pilots are drunk, you’re breathing the same air as 550 other people, security is being handled by a bunch of minimum wage workers, how much more gambling do you need? Oh, let’s throw dice too!
They try to make it sound so cool. They have say this plane has a private bar. It’s a private bar? Is there a big problem with passengers from other planes stopping in for a drink?
According to a new poll, 66% of baseball fans feel baseball’s new steroid policy doesn’t go far enough. A first offense only suspends you for ten games. Fans want a steeper penalty. That’s now during the off-season. Wait ‘til they sit through a few one to nothing games. They’ll be going "we want steroids! We want steroids!”
Some colleges such as Rutgers University are now beginning to offer dorms for recovering alcoholics. As opposed to regular college dorms, which train you to be an alcoholic?
Robert Blake and the jury have now been taken to Vitello’s twice. The defense is concerned jurors will be influenced by the restaurant’s new slogan: "Where Robert Blake killed his wife.”
More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See what happened was, whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one….and then another one…and then another one.
Here’s the latest in the Kobe Bryant civil trial — his lawyers said the other side can’t ask for his sexual history because it would be unfair to all his sex partners. Technically they’re silent partners — whenever they tried to say no, Kobe would say, "Be quiet”.
Kobe is out for at least two weeks with a severely sprained ankle. Kobe’s wife is keeping tabs on his injury. In fact, I think her exact words were, "Give me a ring when you can play again.”
CBS is considering replacing Dan Rather with multiple news anchors. As opposed to Dan, who was one anchor with multiple personalities?
ABC is working on a 4-hour miniseries that will be a remake of the Ten Commandments. Of course, first they have to buy the rights to the bible from Mel Gibson.
Kirstie Alley is busy filming her new show – "Two and a Half Women.”
Letterman
(Guest host Paul Schaeffer) I thank you for masking your disappointment with applause.
For those viewing at home I’ll give you a minute to find the remote.
I’m Paul Schaeffer and I’m guest hosting tonight. Dave is off tonight. He’s accepting an award. In otherwords he’s in rehab.
He’s in Michigan tonight to accept a trophy along with his racing team for the Indy 500 win. Dave owns a racing team along with Bobby Rahal. They just had a great year. Just impressive. They averaged 138 miles per hour – and that was just Dave on his way to Michigan.
Since I’m hosting tonight I was hoping I’d get to flirt with some beautiful starlets. They booked Harvey Feirstein.
Everyone has been congratulating me and wishing me luck on hosting tonight. CBS sent me a forged congratulations letter.
I hope Dave isn’t Tivo-ing this.
Conan
The big inauguration is tomorrow. In preparation today President Bush visited the National Archives and saw an original copy of The Constitution. When the president saw The Constitution he said, "There’s that thing from School House Rock!”
A man in Florida has been arrested for selling marijuana while working at a Long John Silvers. Police became suspicious when they saw someone going into Long John Silvers.
A lot of the country is cold right now. Some places it’s 50 below. You can tell it’s cold out because today some of the red states turned blue.
This weekend Mets catcher Mike Piazza is getting married. The wedding is going to be a small one, Piazza, his wife and the three remaining Mets fans.
Ferguson
Everyone in Washington is getting ready for the inauguration tomorrow. Security is very tight. There’s anti-aircraft missiles at the capitol. There’s F-16’s patrolling the air around Washington. And all the bartenders have been given strict warnings not to serve the Bush twins.
Today Condoleezza Rice was confirmed. When the president heard the news he said, "I didn’t even know she was Catholic.”
Midwest Airlines has announced they will start a new frequent flyer program for animals. That’s a logical step since they already serve dog food.
Pitcher Roger Clemens is asking for $22 million dollars in his contract in order to play next season. $22 million! How expensive have steroids gotten?
