Thursday, January 27, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
What a crowd! You sound like Spongebob Squarepants announcing he's got a girlfriend.
As you know, the Oscar nominations were announced yesterday and once again, "Alien vs. Predator” was completely overlooked. No matter who wins, we lose.
Speaking of that, today Michael Moore announced his next project. A film looking at voter fraud for the Oscars. You know what I’m talking about?
As you may have heard, Michael Moore’s film "Fahrenheit 9-11” didn’t get one Oscar nomination, not one…today President Bush said, "Does this mean I can’t get best actor now?”
"The Passion of the Christ” didn’t receive any nominations for major awards. This isn’t the first time that Jesus has gotten bad treatment.
Mel Gibson’s film "The Passion of the Christ" wasn't nominated for any of the major awards but it did get one for best musical score. Which is kind of strange isn’t it? You're watching a film where Jesus is dying on the cross and people are going, "Hey, catchy tune."
This is the greatest year ever for African American actors and actresses. Five of twenty acting nominations went to African Americans! In fact, and Condoleezza rice is up for best actress for "I’m looking forward to working with Barbara Boxer.”
Today in the senate, the vote to confirm Condoleezza Rice as the next Secretary of State was 85-13 in favor. 85-13. Excuse me. I’m sorry, Kevin. That’s what the score of the Super Bowl is going to be.
Kev, you and I should have a bet for the Super Bowl, if my Patriots win, you have to send me 30 Philly cheese steaks. If your Eagles win, I’ll buy you a jacket because that means hell froze over.
Philadelphia Eagles receiver Terrell Owens says God is healing him for the Super Bowl. He has torn ligaments and a broken bone in his ankle, but he says god is healing him in time for the game. And today God said, "Hey I got New England plus seven. Don’t drag me into this.”
The Fox network is going to be trying out a new technology during this year’s Super Bowl. It’s called the turf cam where miniature cameras are embedded into the field looking up to the action. They said they got this idea watching last year’s lingerie bowl.
A Redwood City high-school teacher was arrested today after DNA tests on her baby showed that the father of the baby is a former student of hers, who she had sex with when he was 16. The DNA test proved that the father of the teacher’s baby was the student. Today the kids said this was the best science-fair project he ever took part in.
Quite a scare for Trump’s new wife. She woke up and saw what his hair looked like in the morning.
Did you see her on the news today? She said that on the wedding night she expected that trump tower would be bigger.
Bill and Hillary were at the Donald’s wedding and he said that, "He remembers everything about his own wedding.” You know, except the part about being faithful.
According to "Self” magazine, one in four women say they have negative thoughts about their body during sex. See why do women worry about these kind of things? During sex men are probably thinking about some other woman’s body anyway. Don’t worry about it.
Letterman
I heard a statistic today I was unaware of. New York City is among America’s fattest cities. It’s true because the guys in New York City are now so big that people in New Jersey are aiming laser beams at them.
You heard about the guy in New Jersey that was arrested for pointing a laser beam at an airliner? It was so unnerving that the pilot had to pour another scotch.
Right here on CBS there’s a new reality show to find the next Martha Stewart. Why? Because America can’t go five months without a domestic diva.
On the show they have all kinds of Martha Stewart type challenges. Tonight they had a shower room catfight.
Bob Barker is returning to "Price Is Right” for his 34th year! He will be at the show until 2009 when he’ll be replaced by Conan O’Brien.
Ferguson
There’s some reports that Iraqis are worried about their upcoming election turning into a civil war. Hey wouldn’t a civil war be an improvement over what’s going on now?!
The dollar keeps going lower. Several news stories out about how the dollar has plummeted. In fact it’s so low that CBS has given me a raise.
Leno
What a crowd! You sound like Spongebob Squarepants announcing he's got a girlfriend.
As you know, the Oscar nominations were announced yesterday and once again, "Alien vs. Predator” was completely overlooked. No matter who wins, we lose.
Speaking of that, today Michael Moore announced his next project. A film looking at voter fraud for the Oscars. You know what I’m talking about?
As you may have heard, Michael Moore’s film "Fahrenheit 9-11” didn’t get one Oscar nomination, not one…today President Bush said, "Does this mean I can’t get best actor now?”
"The Passion of the Christ” didn’t receive any nominations for major awards. This isn’t the first time that Jesus has gotten bad treatment.
Mel Gibson’s film "The Passion of the Christ" wasn't nominated for any of the major awards but it did get one for best musical score. Which is kind of strange isn’t it? You're watching a film where Jesus is dying on the cross and people are going, "Hey, catchy tune."
This is the greatest year ever for African American actors and actresses. Five of twenty acting nominations went to African Americans! In fact, and Condoleezza rice is up for best actress for "I’m looking forward to working with Barbara Boxer.”
Today in the senate, the vote to confirm Condoleezza Rice as the next Secretary of State was 85-13 in favor. 85-13. Excuse me. I’m sorry, Kevin. That’s what the score of the Super Bowl is going to be.
Kev, you and I should have a bet for the Super Bowl, if my Patriots win, you have to send me 30 Philly cheese steaks. If your Eagles win, I’ll buy you a jacket because that means hell froze over.
Philadelphia Eagles receiver Terrell Owens says God is healing him for the Super Bowl. He has torn ligaments and a broken bone in his ankle, but he says god is healing him in time for the game. And today God said, "Hey I got New England plus seven. Don’t drag me into this.”
The Fox network is going to be trying out a new technology during this year’s Super Bowl. It’s called the turf cam where miniature cameras are embedded into the field looking up to the action. They said they got this idea watching last year’s lingerie bowl.
A Redwood City high-school teacher was arrested today after DNA tests on her baby showed that the father of the baby is a former student of hers, who she had sex with when he was 16. The DNA test proved that the father of the teacher’s baby was the student. Today the kids said this was the best science-fair project he ever took part in.
Quite a scare for Trump’s new wife. She woke up and saw what his hair looked like in the morning.
Did you see her on the news today? She said that on the wedding night she expected that trump tower would be bigger.
Bill and Hillary were at the Donald’s wedding and he said that, "He remembers everything about his own wedding.” You know, except the part about being faithful.
According to "Self” magazine, one in four women say they have negative thoughts about their body during sex. See why do women worry about these kind of things? During sex men are probably thinking about some other woman’s body anyway. Don’t worry about it.
Letterman
I heard a statistic today I was unaware of. New York City is among America’s fattest cities. It’s true because the guys in New York City are now so big that people in New Jersey are aiming laser beams at them.
You heard about the guy in New Jersey that was arrested for pointing a laser beam at an airliner? It was so unnerving that the pilot had to pour another scotch.
Right here on CBS there’s a new reality show to find the next Martha Stewart. Why? Because America can’t go five months without a domestic diva.
On the show they have all kinds of Martha Stewart type challenges. Tonight they had a shower room catfight.
Bob Barker is returning to "Price Is Right” for his 34th year! He will be at the show until 2009 when he’ll be replaced by Conan O’Brien.
Ferguson
There’s some reports that Iraqis are worried about their upcoming election turning into a civil war. Hey wouldn’t a civil war be an improvement over what’s going on now?!
The dollar keeps going lower. Several news stories out about how the dollar has plummeted. In fact it’s so low that CBS has given me a raise.
