Friday, January 14, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
We’ve had record rain fall last week in L.A. To give you an idea of how much rain we’ve had, the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now is blocking my driveway.
It’s now official. We’ve stopped the search for weapons of mass destruction. Well, thank God we stopped that search before we did something crazy! What a mess that would have been had we actually gone in there.
A police detective testified yesterday that he feared he would have been Robert Blake’s next victim. So apparently he’s also suicidal.
The NFL commissioner is expected to fine Randy Moss $5,000 for his actions at last weekend’s game. He also had some stern words for Moss. He said, "We’re watching your ass!"
Kobe Bryant and the Lakers are playing the Nuggets in Denver tonight. Kobe’s wife is excited because any time Kobe goes to Colorado she gets jewelry.
A woman in Chicago has given birth to the lightest baby ever – 8 ounces! The father is passing out cigars that say "It’s a supermodel!"
Mel Gibson is putting out a book version of "The Passion." A book version? Isn’t that the Bible? I realized Mel was talented, but wow!
Letterman
The U.S. has stopped the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We spent two years looking and the closest we got was two pounds of rancid mutton.
The Michael Jackson trial will be going on soon. Cameras aren’t allowed in the courtroom, so the E Channel is going to re-create the trial every day with actors. They’re looking for actors and actresses to play the roles. I will be playing the role of Tito.
They’re having a difficult time of casting. When you think about it, for Michael Jackson they need to find a bleached-faced man that’s had seven nose jobs. They asked Diana Ross but she was busy.
Courtney Love is selling her Manhattan apartment for $6 million. Actually it’s being sold for $1 million. The other $5 million is for everything in the medicine cabinet.
Conan
Did you see the last episode of "The Biggest Loser" last night? The winner was a guy from Spokane, Washington, that lost 122 pounds, 8 inches off his waist and all his dignity.
Britney Spears has written a letter to Christina Aguilera to end their feud. I’m not sure if the letter will work, though, because it starts out with "Dear Skank."
According to the New York Post, Donald Trump has invited both his ex-wives to his wedding. Both ex-wives have turned the invitation down because they’re both busy. However, they have both said they will attend the next one.
Star Jones is now speaking about her extravagant wedding. She says that the extravagant wedding was her way of bringing out the 8-year-old inside her. She also went on to say that she ate a 9- and 10-year-old.
Kilborn
(Now hosted by Craig Ferguson) Welcome to the Late Late Show! Coming to you from L.A., where it’s very wet. Lots of flooding going on here. They say 5,000 homes and 10,000 Starbucks have been lost.
All of America has been asking the same question about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston breaking up: Is there a sex tape?
The prosecutors in the Michael Jackson case are looking for a way to get Jackson. They’re now focusing on the new law – three tykes and you’re out.
Leno
We’ve had record rain fall last week in L.A. To give you an idea of how much rain we’ve had, the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now is blocking my driveway.
It’s now official. We’ve stopped the search for weapons of mass destruction. Well, thank God we stopped that search before we did something crazy! What a mess that would have been had we actually gone in there.
A police detective testified yesterday that he feared he would have been Robert Blake’s next victim. So apparently he’s also suicidal.
The NFL commissioner is expected to fine Randy Moss $5,000 for his actions at last weekend’s game. He also had some stern words for Moss. He said, "We’re watching your ass!"
Kobe Bryant and the Lakers are playing the Nuggets in Denver tonight. Kobe’s wife is excited because any time Kobe goes to Colorado she gets jewelry.
A woman in Chicago has given birth to the lightest baby ever – 8 ounces! The father is passing out cigars that say "It’s a supermodel!"
Mel Gibson is putting out a book version of "The Passion." A book version? Isn’t that the Bible? I realized Mel was talented, but wow!
Letterman
The U.S. has stopped the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We spent two years looking and the closest we got was two pounds of rancid mutton.
The Michael Jackson trial will be going on soon. Cameras aren’t allowed in the courtroom, so the E Channel is going to re-create the trial every day with actors. They’re looking for actors and actresses to play the roles. I will be playing the role of Tito.
They’re having a difficult time of casting. When you think about it, for Michael Jackson they need to find a bleached-faced man that’s had seven nose jobs. They asked Diana Ross but she was busy.
Courtney Love is selling her Manhattan apartment for $6 million. Actually it’s being sold for $1 million. The other $5 million is for everything in the medicine cabinet.
Conan
Did you see the last episode of "The Biggest Loser" last night? The winner was a guy from Spokane, Washington, that lost 122 pounds, 8 inches off his waist and all his dignity.
Britney Spears has written a letter to Christina Aguilera to end their feud. I’m not sure if the letter will work, though, because it starts out with "Dear Skank."
According to the New York Post, Donald Trump has invited both his ex-wives to his wedding. Both ex-wives have turned the invitation down because they’re both busy. However, they have both said they will attend the next one.
Star Jones is now speaking about her extravagant wedding. She says that the extravagant wedding was her way of bringing out the 8-year-old inside her. She also went on to say that she ate a 9- and 10-year-old.
Kilborn
(Now hosted by Craig Ferguson) Welcome to the Late Late Show! Coming to you from L.A., where it’s very wet. Lots of flooding going on here. They say 5,000 homes and 10,000 Starbucks have been lost.
All of America has been asking the same question about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston breaking up: Is there a sex tape?
The prosecutors in the Michael Jackson case are looking for a way to get Jackson. They’re now focusing on the new law – three tykes and you’re out.
