Saturday, January 22, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Well it was cold and bitter at the inauguration today, but enough about John Kerry.
In fact it was so cold, Bill Clinton had an intern blow on his hands.
Some people have been criticizing President Bush for spending $40 million on his inauguration. Give the guy a break, he’s excited, this is the first time Bush has been elected.
President Bush was sworn in on a Bible and Dick Cheney will be sworn in on the "Physician’s Desk Reference Book”.
Actually Cheney was sworn in a few minutes before President Bush. So technically, for a few minutes, it was almost as if Dick Cheney was running the country.
There was one kind of embarrassing moment during the inauguration – Chief Justice William Rehnquist told President Bush, "Repeat after me” and Bush said, "After me.”
Did you see Rehnquist when he arrived? He was hunched over, wearing a black beret and a big oversized robe. In fact, Bill Clinton saw him from the back and said, "Monica?”
Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.
CNN is reporting that a longtime friend of President Bush says that Bush is telling everyone, in the next four years he intends to be "really aggressive'." "Really aggressive"? In the past four years we launched what, two wars? What's "really aggressive" going to look like? What, are we gonna bomb Canada now? How much more aggressive can we get?
The "New York Post” reports John Kerry and al gore are going to run in 2008. Upon hearing this, President Bush said, "Goody, I can win a third term.”
Thirty-two Chinese illegal immigrants were found in two cargo containers in L.A. harbor over the weekend. The illegal immigrants were in the two containers during a two-week ocean journey from Hong Kong. Apparently they booked this trip on Priceline.com.
Actually there were a total of three containers. The 32 Chinese people were in two of the containers. And the third container I believe had fried rice in shrimp sauce.
We have Snoop Dogg on the program tonight. In fact, I understand he flew out here on the red eye.
Did you know that today is the 23rd anniversary of the camcorder? Huge party at Paris Hilton’s house.
Letterman
I’m Dave Letterman and I’m back for a second term.
Today was President Bush’s inauguration. What a great symbol for our republic, the inauguration. Everyone had a good time. Senator Ted Kennedy was in a good mood, he had a few too many cocktails and was writing his name in the snow.
Security was tight in Washington, D.C. The Bush twins were stopped by margarita sniffing dogs.
All kinds of dignitaries from around the world were at the event or called President Bush. Prince Harry of England could not make it. He’s busy at his mountain top bunker in Bavaria.
Three former presidents were there. Clinton, Carter, Gore…they were all there.
It was cold though. It was so cold that former President Jimmy Carter built himself a shelter.
President Bush gave a great speech that outlined a bold agenda and then gave his Oscar picks.
In the speech President Bush said that as a country we have a calling from "beyond the stars”. You know what this means? He’s drinking again.
Leno
Well it was cold and bitter at the inauguration today, but enough about John Kerry.
In fact it was so cold, Bill Clinton had an intern blow on his hands.
Some people have been criticizing President Bush for spending $40 million on his inauguration. Give the guy a break, he’s excited, this is the first time Bush has been elected.
President Bush was sworn in on a Bible and Dick Cheney will be sworn in on the "Physician’s Desk Reference Book”.
Actually Cheney was sworn in a few minutes before President Bush. So technically, for a few minutes, it was almost as if Dick Cheney was running the country.
There was one kind of embarrassing moment during the inauguration – Chief Justice William Rehnquist told President Bush, "Repeat after me” and Bush said, "After me.”
Did you see Rehnquist when he arrived? He was hunched over, wearing a black beret and a big oversized robe. In fact, Bill Clinton saw him from the back and said, "Monica?”
Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.
CNN is reporting that a longtime friend of President Bush says that Bush is telling everyone, in the next four years he intends to be "really aggressive'." "Really aggressive"? In the past four years we launched what, two wars? What's "really aggressive" going to look like? What, are we gonna bomb Canada now? How much more aggressive can we get?
The "New York Post” reports John Kerry and al gore are going to run in 2008. Upon hearing this, President Bush said, "Goody, I can win a third term.”
Thirty-two Chinese illegal immigrants were found in two cargo containers in L.A. harbor over the weekend. The illegal immigrants were in the two containers during a two-week ocean journey from Hong Kong. Apparently they booked this trip on Priceline.com.
Actually there were a total of three containers. The 32 Chinese people were in two of the containers. And the third container I believe had fried rice in shrimp sauce.
We have Snoop Dogg on the program tonight. In fact, I understand he flew out here on the red eye.
Did you know that today is the 23rd anniversary of the camcorder? Huge party at Paris Hilton’s house.
Letterman
I’m Dave Letterman and I’m back for a second term.
Today was President Bush’s inauguration. What a great symbol for our republic, the inauguration. Everyone had a good time. Senator Ted Kennedy was in a good mood, he had a few too many cocktails and was writing his name in the snow.
Security was tight in Washington, D.C. The Bush twins were stopped by margarita sniffing dogs.
All kinds of dignitaries from around the world were at the event or called President Bush. Prince Harry of England could not make it. He’s busy at his mountain top bunker in Bavaria.
Three former presidents were there. Clinton, Carter, Gore…they were all there.
It was cold though. It was so cold that former President Jimmy Carter built himself a shelter.
President Bush gave a great speech that outlined a bold agenda and then gave his Oscar picks.
In the speech President Bush said that as a country we have a calling from "beyond the stars”. You know what this means? He’s drinking again.
