Saturday, January 15, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
One week from tonight, President Bush will be sworn in once again as president of the United States. And interestingly, this will mark only the second time in four years his hand has touched a book.
It was also announced for the inaugural, Bush will attend nine parties in one night. Nine parties ... he’s trying to break his old record at Yale.
Ted Kennedy said today the Democratic Party is still the majority party. So you know what that means: Ted’s been drinking again.
After nearly two years, the White House announced the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq is over. Of course it won’t really be over till the French say, "OK, we’re ready to go in." Then you know for sure.
You know what’s amazing – there were more weapons found at Vitello’s restaurant than there were in Iraq.
(Talking about Prince Harry.) Isn’t that unbelievable? It was one of these trendy parties where everyone was told to make a fashion statement and apparently Harry misunderstood, "Oh, fashion statement ... I thought you said make a fascist statement."
I tell you, man, his father was mad. His father said he was ashamed of the actions of his son ... and Prince Charles wasn’t too happy either.
The Commerce Department reported America’s trade deficit soared to an all-time high of $60 billion in November. It’s so bad that Mexicans are going to India to find good American jobs.
The U.S. Department of Education has a new slogan: Our students may be behind the rest of the world, but they’re on top of their teachers.
It happened again today – this is like an epidemic. A teacher’s aide at a central Florida high school has been arrested for having sex with a 15-year-old student. She’s not even a teacher – she’s a "teacher’s aide." What, was the teacher overloaded with kids to have sex having with the other kids, they have to bring an aide in?
At a school in Virginia, President Bush announced tough new reading standards for high school students. He wants ninth-graders to read at an eighth-grade level by the time they’re in the 12th grade.
The NFL today announced their fine against Minnesota Viking receiver Randy Moss for his little mooning incident. Remember they were going to fine him $5,000? They fined him $10,000. That’s $5,000 per cheek.
Major League Baseball has announced new, tougher steroid testing policies. The new steroid rules would impose a $100,000 fine for a five-time steroid offender. You know the old penalty for a five-time steroid offender? The Most Valuable Player trophy.
Don King is suing ESPN for $2.5 billion for defamation. $2.5 billion! That’s almost as much money as he stole from Mike Tyson!
Boxing promoter Don King is suing ESPN for $2.5 billion. He claimed they showed him in a bad light. Which I think would be daylight, wouldn’t it?
I’m very excited. I got an invitation to Donald Trump’s wedding. Unfortunately I will not be able to go but, ah, I’ll catch the next one.
Actually, I enjoy going to Trump weddings. I like to get there early so I don’t miss the reading of the prenuptial agreement.
How many watched NBC’s show "The Biggest Loser" the other night? One of the female finalists, Kelly Minner, did not win. But she lost 79 pounds. She looked great. In fact, she said: "I look great now, I feel great now. And I’ve stopped getting those annoying phone calls from Bill Clinton.”
A couple in Romania has named their baby "Yahoo" because they met on the Yahoo! Web site, in the personal ads. The baby joins their two other children, Google and Asian Porn.
The Los Angeles Health Department says the Internet is responsible for an increase in syphilis among gay men. You know, if your computer is giving you syphilis, maybe it’s time to clean your keyboard!
Letterman
I think our audience has been getting better and better since we started random urine testing.
It’s been warm out. It’s warm everywhere. It’s so warm in London that Prince Harry got out his summer Nazi uniform.
Prince Harry started a controversy when he wore a Nazi uniform to a party. Hip guy! (Sarcastic tone)
Sounds like to me someone is in need of a queer makeover!
This is a fascinating story. Officials at a zoo in Anchorage, Alaska, are trying to figure out why an elephant at the zoo is always depressed. Do you think it could have anything to do with being in Anchorage?
President Bush said today that Saddam Hussein never had weapons of mass destruction. But he did go on to say that there’s strong evidence that he had an illegal nanny.
Conan
The White House has announced that Ruben Studdard will sing at President Bush’s inauguration. A Republican spokesman said that Ruben is appearing because he’s one of the red states.
Courtney Love is selling her Manhattan apartment for $6 million. Actually, the apartment is free but it will cost $6 million to clean it.
Sharon Osbourne says that she is going to make a movie about her family. Right now she’s having trouble finding someone to play the role of her husband, Ozzy – and also she’s having trouble finding her husband, Ozzy.
Kilborn
(Show now hosted by Craig Ferguson) Back in England Prince Harry is in trouble for wearing a Nazi uniform to a party. This is bad. An association with the royals is bad for Nazis.
I just lost knighthood on that one. I’ll just stay in the states now.
The rain has stopped here in L.A. Now crews are filling in the potholes with Botox.
Major League Baseball has a new testing policy for every drug. Jason Giambi was confused and thought that meant to try every drug.
Experts say that there is one side effect to steroid use that they are just now learning about. There’s a chance you might become governor of California.
Leno
One week from tonight, President Bush will be sworn in once again as president of the United States. And interestingly, this will mark only the second time in four years his hand has touched a book.
It was also announced for the inaugural, Bush will attend nine parties in one night. Nine parties ... he’s trying to break his old record at Yale.
Ted Kennedy said today the Democratic Party is still the majority party. So you know what that means: Ted’s been drinking again.
After nearly two years, the White House announced the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq is over. Of course it won’t really be over till the French say, "OK, we’re ready to go in." Then you know for sure.
You know what’s amazing – there were more weapons found at Vitello’s restaurant than there were in Iraq.
(Talking about Prince Harry.) Isn’t that unbelievable? It was one of these trendy parties where everyone was told to make a fashion statement and apparently Harry misunderstood, "Oh, fashion statement ... I thought you said make a fascist statement."
I tell you, man, his father was mad. His father said he was ashamed of the actions of his son ... and Prince Charles wasn’t too happy either.
The Commerce Department reported America’s trade deficit soared to an all-time high of $60 billion in November. It’s so bad that Mexicans are going to India to find good American jobs.
The U.S. Department of Education has a new slogan: Our students may be behind the rest of the world, but they’re on top of their teachers.
It happened again today – this is like an epidemic. A teacher’s aide at a central Florida high school has been arrested for having sex with a 15-year-old student. She’s not even a teacher – she’s a "teacher’s aide." What, was the teacher overloaded with kids to have sex having with the other kids, they have to bring an aide in?
At a school in Virginia, President Bush announced tough new reading standards for high school students. He wants ninth-graders to read at an eighth-grade level by the time they’re in the 12th grade.
The NFL today announced their fine against Minnesota Viking receiver Randy Moss for his little mooning incident. Remember they were going to fine him $5,000? They fined him $10,000. That’s $5,000 per cheek.
Major League Baseball has announced new, tougher steroid testing policies. The new steroid rules would impose a $100,000 fine for a five-time steroid offender. You know the old penalty for a five-time steroid offender? The Most Valuable Player trophy.
Don King is suing ESPN for $2.5 billion for defamation. $2.5 billion! That’s almost as much money as he stole from Mike Tyson!
Boxing promoter Don King is suing ESPN for $2.5 billion. He claimed they showed him in a bad light. Which I think would be daylight, wouldn’t it?
I’m very excited. I got an invitation to Donald Trump’s wedding. Unfortunately I will not be able to go but, ah, I’ll catch the next one.
Actually, I enjoy going to Trump weddings. I like to get there early so I don’t miss the reading of the prenuptial agreement.
How many watched NBC’s show "The Biggest Loser" the other night? One of the female finalists, Kelly Minner, did not win. But she lost 79 pounds. She looked great. In fact, she said: "I look great now, I feel great now. And I’ve stopped getting those annoying phone calls from Bill Clinton.”
A couple in Romania has named their baby "Yahoo" because they met on the Yahoo! Web site, in the personal ads. The baby joins their two other children, Google and Asian Porn.
The Los Angeles Health Department says the Internet is responsible for an increase in syphilis among gay men. You know, if your computer is giving you syphilis, maybe it’s time to clean your keyboard!
Letterman
I think our audience has been getting better and better since we started random urine testing.
It’s been warm out. It’s warm everywhere. It’s so warm in London that Prince Harry got out his summer Nazi uniform.
Prince Harry started a controversy when he wore a Nazi uniform to a party. Hip guy! (Sarcastic tone)
Sounds like to me someone is in need of a queer makeover!
This is a fascinating story. Officials at a zoo in Anchorage, Alaska, are trying to figure out why an elephant at the zoo is always depressed. Do you think it could have anything to do with being in Anchorage?
President Bush said today that Saddam Hussein never had weapons of mass destruction. But he did go on to say that there’s strong evidence that he had an illegal nanny.
Conan
The White House has announced that Ruben Studdard will sing at President Bush’s inauguration. A Republican spokesman said that Ruben is appearing because he’s one of the red states.
Courtney Love is selling her Manhattan apartment for $6 million. Actually, the apartment is free but it will cost $6 million to clean it.
Sharon Osbourne says that she is going to make a movie about her family. Right now she’s having trouble finding someone to play the role of her husband, Ozzy – and also she’s having trouble finding her husband, Ozzy.
Kilborn
(Show now hosted by Craig Ferguson) Back in England Prince Harry is in trouble for wearing a Nazi uniform to a party. This is bad. An association with the royals is bad for Nazis.
I just lost knighthood on that one. I’ll just stay in the states now.
The rain has stopped here in L.A. Now crews are filling in the potholes with Botox.
Major League Baseball has a new testing policy for every drug. Jason Giambi was confused and thought that meant to try every drug.
Experts say that there is one side effect to steroid use that they are just now learning about. There’s a chance you might become governor of California.
