Sunday, January 30, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
A man is suing the Mirage and MGM casinos because they encouraged him to borrow money to gamble. This is a good thing because it has actually brought him closer to his two kids who are suing McDonald’s for making them fat.
Did you see that big Katie Couric special last night on NBC? Very serious, Katie spoke to a bunch of teenagers about their attitudes toward sex. And they were all high school kids and they spoke very openly and honestly about the sex they were having. Hey didn’t mention any teacher’s names or anything, but they talked honestly.
You all excited about the Super Bowl? How many have the Patriots? How many have the Eagles? In honor of Terrell Owens, Kentucky Fried Chicken has a new Eagles Super Bowl meal. It’s two wings and a broken leg for $2.99.
Owens says even though he has a broken bone in his ankle, he’s not listening to his doctor and he’s going with advice from his trainer. And today Barry Bonds said, "Great advice!”
Kev and I have a bet for the Super Bowl. Kev, if my Patriots win, you have to cut my lawn, if your Eagles win, Melendez will have to cut your lawn.
According to a new book, female officers at Guantanamo Bay would sometimes wear thongs when they interrogated Iraqi prisoners, in order to make them uncomfortable. They would put on a thong. Is that the best way to get at the truth? Wouldn’t that backfire? Usually when a guy sees a girl in a thong, he starts lying. "I’m not married. My wife died.”
Police in Snohomish County, Washington report a huge drop-off in locally grown marijuana because people are buying imported Canadian marijuana. You know, it’s bad enough our legal drugs are cheaper up there, now their selling us all their illegal drugs too.
A group of lawyers here is California is petitioning the California legislature to make it legal for women to sunbathe topless. Finally lawyers who are doing some good for society, huh?
It was on this day back in 1984 that Michael Jackson was burned on his head while filming a TV commercial for Pepsi. I believe that’s the last time Michael Jackson was considered hot.
Let’s see what’s new in the Michael Jackson trial. Or it’s now being called, "Fondling Neverland”.
Prosecutors now say they want to display Michael Jackson’s porn collection for the jury. Why do they always call it a "porn collection”? Are men really porn collectors? Do guys go to flea markets on the weekends looking for porn? "Oh look, a rare 1979 copy of ‘Black Licorice’. I’ve been looking all over for this. I found it! I got it for two dollars!”
Budweiser is coming out with a new beer called "B to the E”, containing caffeine and ginseng. They say it gives you a jolt of energy. Until now, the only way beer drinkers could get a big jolt of energy is when the cops would hit you with the taser gun. "Come on you drunk bastard! Get up!”
Mel Gibson’s movie "The Passion of the Christ” has grossed over $370 million. A lot of people are mad it didn’t get nominated. It’s pretty amazing because it’s in Aramaic. That’s a language not even spoken at 7-11.
Fox has a new show, "Point Pleasant” about a teenage girl who happens to be Satan’s daughter. It’s like "Joan of Arcadia” with PMS.
Leno
A man is suing the Mirage and MGM casinos because they encouraged him to borrow money to gamble. This is a good thing because it has actually brought him closer to his two kids who are suing McDonald’s for making them fat.
Did you see that big Katie Couric special last night on NBC? Very serious, Katie spoke to a bunch of teenagers about their attitudes toward sex. And they were all high school kids and they spoke very openly and honestly about the sex they were having. Hey didn’t mention any teacher’s names or anything, but they talked honestly.
You all excited about the Super Bowl? How many have the Patriots? How many have the Eagles? In honor of Terrell Owens, Kentucky Fried Chicken has a new Eagles Super Bowl meal. It’s two wings and a broken leg for $2.99.
Owens says even though he has a broken bone in his ankle, he’s not listening to his doctor and he’s going with advice from his trainer. And today Barry Bonds said, "Great advice!”
Kev and I have a bet for the Super Bowl. Kev, if my Patriots win, you have to cut my lawn, if your Eagles win, Melendez will have to cut your lawn.
According to a new book, female officers at Guantanamo Bay would sometimes wear thongs when they interrogated Iraqi prisoners, in order to make them uncomfortable. They would put on a thong. Is that the best way to get at the truth? Wouldn’t that backfire? Usually when a guy sees a girl in a thong, he starts lying. "I’m not married. My wife died.”
Police in Snohomish County, Washington report a huge drop-off in locally grown marijuana because people are buying imported Canadian marijuana. You know, it’s bad enough our legal drugs are cheaper up there, now their selling us all their illegal drugs too.
A group of lawyers here is California is petitioning the California legislature to make it legal for women to sunbathe topless. Finally lawyers who are doing some good for society, huh?
It was on this day back in 1984 that Michael Jackson was burned on his head while filming a TV commercial for Pepsi. I believe that’s the last time Michael Jackson was considered hot.
Let’s see what’s new in the Michael Jackson trial. Or it’s now being called, "Fondling Neverland”.
Prosecutors now say they want to display Michael Jackson’s porn collection for the jury. Why do they always call it a "porn collection”? Are men really porn collectors? Do guys go to flea markets on the weekends looking for porn? "Oh look, a rare 1979 copy of ‘Black Licorice’. I’ve been looking all over for this. I found it! I got it for two dollars!”
Budweiser is coming out with a new beer called "B to the E”, containing caffeine and ginseng. They say it gives you a jolt of energy. Until now, the only way beer drinkers could get a big jolt of energy is when the cops would hit you with the taser gun. "Come on you drunk bastard! Get up!”
Mel Gibson’s movie "The Passion of the Christ” has grossed over $370 million. A lot of people are mad it didn’t get nominated. It’s pretty amazing because it’s in Aramaic. That’s a language not even spoken at 7-11.
Fox has a new show, "Point Pleasant” about a teenage girl who happens to be Satan’s daughter. It’s like "Joan of Arcadia” with PMS.
