Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
I hope you all had a nice holiday. Today of course is Martin Luther King Day, the day we honor the legacy of martin Luther king. We’ve come a long way. We used to divide the country into black and white. Now we divide it into red states and blue states.
President Bush today gave a big speech honoring the life of Martin Luther King. He said, "Martin Luther King hosts my favorite show on CNN.” Finally, somebody said to him, "Um, Mr. President, that’s Larry King.”
It was a big night for "Nip/Tuck” last night. Otherwise known as the Golden Globes. How many watched that thing?
Leonardo Dicaprio won for best actor in "The Aviator”. At the party afterwards he was drinking so much, people actually thought he was a real pilot!
Hillary Clinton also made an appearance. I think she won for "Kill Bill”!
This was the biggest gathering of Hollywood celebrities since the November anti-Bush rally.
They say the Golden Globes is generally looked on as a precursor to the Oscars. Just like the Vibe Awards are a precursor to the next "America’s Most Wanted”.
In an interview in "USA Today”, President Bush said he’s not going to spend more money on "programs that aren’t working.” So I guess the war in Iraq is over. That’s great news. How ‘bout that?
President Bush also told a reporter that he saw his reelection by the American people as their approval to continue the war in Iraq. You know kind of the same way, Bill Clinton felt his reelection meant to the American people they wanted him to keep cheating on Hillary.
Twenty-eight prisoners have escaped from Abu Ghraib Prison. You know, we oughta to keep these guys on a tighter leash. I don’t know what’s going on….apparently one of the bottom guys in the pyramid snuck out.
Actually Prince Harry said today that he isn’t a closet Nazi. Although he does have Nazi clothes in his closet.
Robert Blake and the jury have now been taken to Vitello’s twice. They went at 5 pm. The other day, then back to the courtroom. Then they had to return because Robert Blake left his gun in a booth again.
Great episode of "Medium” earlier tonight on NBC – in this one, Allison contracts the recently dead to find out what happened. The Indianapolis Colts.
Once again the New England Patriots, they beat the Colts to advance to the AFC Championship game. Also, congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles, they beat Minnesota 27-14. In fact, randy moss was so upset, he wouldn’t show his face or his ass after the game!
Baseball’s new anti-drug plan is being criticized now for not including amphetamines, which are thought to be at least as prevalent as steroids. Amphetamines! You thought baseball was slow before. That’s when they were on speed! How slow is it going to be when you take that away?
Baseball says it will be looking more closely for unusual signs that players are on steroids. Like for example, if Arizona starts winning.
According to court testimony we’re finding out what life was like in Michael Jackson’s bedroom. Apparently it was heavily protected by locks, sensors and security devices. Wow! Michael likes to sleep in a high security environment. Whew, he’s going to love prison. This will work out great.
Letterman
The Jets have just missed two more field goals!
Prince Harry has embarrassed the royal family yet again. He showed up at a party dressed as the Jets kicker.
The flu is going around. Everyone is getting it. In fact the guy that wrote this joke had to go home before he finished it.
This week is an important anniversary. Seven years ago President Clinton said, "I didn’t not have sexual relations with that woman.” He didn’t consider his behavior as sex. I’m thinking, gee had it been me I would have counted it!
The Golden Globes were last night. Everything went pretty good. Angelina Jolie only broke up two marriages.
Joan Rivers was there, along with her daughter Melissa Rivers. They were on the red carpet together. Melissa has some of the characteristics of her mom. Which is nice because Joan doesn’t have them anymore.
Kilborn
(Hosted by Craig Ferguson) A 66-year-old Romanian woman has just given birth to be the oldest woman ever to give birth. That took a lot of courage – from the guy that got her pregnant. Let’s not forget that guy!
There is going to be a "Fear Factor” theme park. All of the food in the park will make you violently ill. So really how different is that from any other theme park?
Leno
I hope you all had a nice holiday. Today of course is Martin Luther King Day, the day we honor the legacy of martin Luther king. We’ve come a long way. We used to divide the country into black and white. Now we divide it into red states and blue states.
President Bush today gave a big speech honoring the life of Martin Luther King. He said, "Martin Luther King hosts my favorite show on CNN.” Finally, somebody said to him, "Um, Mr. President, that’s Larry King.”
It was a big night for "Nip/Tuck” last night. Otherwise known as the Golden Globes. How many watched that thing?
Leonardo Dicaprio won for best actor in "The Aviator”. At the party afterwards he was drinking so much, people actually thought he was a real pilot!
Hillary Clinton also made an appearance. I think she won for "Kill Bill”!
This was the biggest gathering of Hollywood celebrities since the November anti-Bush rally.
They say the Golden Globes is generally looked on as a precursor to the Oscars. Just like the Vibe Awards are a precursor to the next "America’s Most Wanted”.
In an interview in "USA Today”, President Bush said he’s not going to spend more money on "programs that aren’t working.” So I guess the war in Iraq is over. That’s great news. How ‘bout that?
President Bush also told a reporter that he saw his reelection by the American people as their approval to continue the war in Iraq. You know kind of the same way, Bill Clinton felt his reelection meant to the American people they wanted him to keep cheating on Hillary.
Twenty-eight prisoners have escaped from Abu Ghraib Prison. You know, we oughta to keep these guys on a tighter leash. I don’t know what’s going on….apparently one of the bottom guys in the pyramid snuck out.
Actually Prince Harry said today that he isn’t a closet Nazi. Although he does have Nazi clothes in his closet.
Robert Blake and the jury have now been taken to Vitello’s twice. They went at 5 pm. The other day, then back to the courtroom. Then they had to return because Robert Blake left his gun in a booth again.
Great episode of "Medium” earlier tonight on NBC – in this one, Allison contracts the recently dead to find out what happened. The Indianapolis Colts.
Once again the New England Patriots, they beat the Colts to advance to the AFC Championship game. Also, congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles, they beat Minnesota 27-14. In fact, randy moss was so upset, he wouldn’t show his face or his ass after the game!
Baseball’s new anti-drug plan is being criticized now for not including amphetamines, which are thought to be at least as prevalent as steroids. Amphetamines! You thought baseball was slow before. That’s when they were on speed! How slow is it going to be when you take that away?
Baseball says it will be looking more closely for unusual signs that players are on steroids. Like for example, if Arizona starts winning.
According to court testimony we’re finding out what life was like in Michael Jackson’s bedroom. Apparently it was heavily protected by locks, sensors and security devices. Wow! Michael likes to sleep in a high security environment. Whew, he’s going to love prison. This will work out great.
Letterman
The Jets have just missed two more field goals!
Prince Harry has embarrassed the royal family yet again. He showed up at a party dressed as the Jets kicker.
The flu is going around. Everyone is getting it. In fact the guy that wrote this joke had to go home before he finished it.
This week is an important anniversary. Seven years ago President Clinton said, "I didn’t not have sexual relations with that woman.” He didn’t consider his behavior as sex. I’m thinking, gee had it been me I would have counted it!
The Golden Globes were last night. Everything went pretty good. Angelina Jolie only broke up two marriages.
Joan Rivers was there, along with her daughter Melissa Rivers. They were on the red carpet together. Melissa has some of the characteristics of her mom. Which is nice because Joan doesn’t have them anymore.
Kilborn
(Hosted by Craig Ferguson) A 66-year-old Romanian woman has just given birth to be the oldest woman ever to give birth. That took a lot of courage – from the guy that got her pregnant. Let’s not forget that guy!
There is going to be a "Fear Factor” theme park. All of the food in the park will make you violently ill. So really how different is that from any other theme park?
