Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
How many of you are here just because you can’t get a flight back east?
Did you see that blizzard? What did they get, two feet of snow? New York hasn’t been this white since the Republican convention was in town.
Give you an idea how high the snow drifts were – earlier today, they issued an Amber Alert for Regis.
In fact, there have been so many school closings, teachers have been forced to start having sex with their spouses again.
It was so cold, Anna Nicole Smith is hitting on guys who are being cremated!
Here’s an interesting fact: If you took all the airline passengers in the United States and stood them in a row – you’d have exactly what happened at the airports this week.
Because of the blizzard a lot of flights have been canceled. The Pittsburgh Steelers canceled their flight to Jacksonville.
The Patriots going to the Super Bowl? What a year it’s been for Massachusetts. The Red Sox, the Patriots, John Kerry ... OK, two out of three is not bad.
Just five more days until the Iraq elections. I’m going out on a limb and saying the winner will be a man named Muhammad something.
Mel Gibson’s "The Passion of the Christ" got nominated for three lesser awards: cinematography, makeup and musical score. Apparently Hollywood felt the movie looked great, but the story wasn’t believable.
It’s been three days since the Trump wedding. I think they’re going to make it.
As you know, Donald Trump's wife did change her name. She's now known as "Trump, the Wife."
Although the one part I thought was kind of creepy – on the wedding night, when trump’s assistants, George and Carolyn, were sitting on either side of the bed.
Here’s something fascinating – a space probe that landed on Saturn’s moon Titan has found that it is filled with rivers and clouds of liquid methane. Either that or the probe may have landed in a river in New Jersey.
A Tennessee senator named John Ford, a Democrat, surprisingly (sarcastic tone), is in court for child support and he revealed he lives with his divorced wife and their three kids three days a week, he lives with his girlfriend and their two kids the other four days, he’s being sued by another girlfriend for child support and his ex-wife is pregnant by him again. But the good news – today he was given the Jerry Springer Lifetime Achievement Award.
How bizarre is this? There are two companies now advertising they make RVs that can withstand radiation from a nuclear attack. Was there a big call for this?! People upset: You know, "Last time we were under nuclear attack our vacation was completely ruined because our RV couldn’t take the 10,000-degree temperature!"
Do you know what week this is in our public schools? I’m not making this up: This week is National No Name-Calling Week. They don’t want any name-calling in our public schools. What stupid dork came up with this idea?
In France, a man has been rescued after wandering lost for 35 days in an abandoned mushroom cave ... gee, I wonder what he was looking for in a mushroom cave ...
Prosecutors in the Michael Jackson case want the children’s testimony to be kept secret. To which Michael Jackson said, "Hey, if these kids could keep a secret, I wouldn’t be here."
Leno
How many of you are here just because you can’t get a flight back east?
Did you see that blizzard? What did they get, two feet of snow? New York hasn’t been this white since the Republican convention was in town.
Give you an idea how high the snow drifts were – earlier today, they issued an Amber Alert for Regis.
In fact, there have been so many school closings, teachers have been forced to start having sex with their spouses again.
It was so cold, Anna Nicole Smith is hitting on guys who are being cremated!
Here’s an interesting fact: If you took all the airline passengers in the United States and stood them in a row – you’d have exactly what happened at the airports this week.
Because of the blizzard a lot of flights have been canceled. The Pittsburgh Steelers canceled their flight to Jacksonville.
The Patriots going to the Super Bowl? What a year it’s been for Massachusetts. The Red Sox, the Patriots, John Kerry ... OK, two out of three is not bad.
Just five more days until the Iraq elections. I’m going out on a limb and saying the winner will be a man named Muhammad something.
Mel Gibson’s "The Passion of the Christ" got nominated for three lesser awards: cinematography, makeup and musical score. Apparently Hollywood felt the movie looked great, but the story wasn’t believable.
It’s been three days since the Trump wedding. I think they’re going to make it.
As you know, Donald Trump's wife did change her name. She's now known as "Trump, the Wife."
Although the one part I thought was kind of creepy – on the wedding night, when trump’s assistants, George and Carolyn, were sitting on either side of the bed.
Here’s something fascinating – a space probe that landed on Saturn’s moon Titan has found that it is filled with rivers and clouds of liquid methane. Either that or the probe may have landed in a river in New Jersey.
A Tennessee senator named John Ford, a Democrat, surprisingly (sarcastic tone), is in court for child support and he revealed he lives with his divorced wife and their three kids three days a week, he lives with his girlfriend and their two kids the other four days, he’s being sued by another girlfriend for child support and his ex-wife is pregnant by him again. But the good news – today he was given the Jerry Springer Lifetime Achievement Award.
How bizarre is this? There are two companies now advertising they make RVs that can withstand radiation from a nuclear attack. Was there a big call for this?! People upset: You know, "Last time we were under nuclear attack our vacation was completely ruined because our RV couldn’t take the 10,000-degree temperature!"
Do you know what week this is in our public schools? I’m not making this up: This week is National No Name-Calling Week. They don’t want any name-calling in our public schools. What stupid dork came up with this idea?
In France, a man has been rescued after wandering lost for 35 days in an abandoned mushroom cave ... gee, I wonder what he was looking for in a mushroom cave ...
Prosecutors in the Michael Jackson case want the children’s testimony to be kept secret. To which Michael Jackson said, "Hey, if these kids could keep a secret, I wouldn’t be here."
