Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Here’s some exciting news - according to the "New York Post”, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry again! Political experts say it’s too early to tell who would lose bigger!
This Thursday is President Bush’s inauguration, very exciting, but, be careful, there are a lot of con-artists out there selling phony inaugural party tickets. Like I got an invitation in the mail the other day to a performance called "George W. Bush, the Man Who Saved the World” it was narrated by Dan Rather, sung by Barbara Streisand, and directed by Michael Moore. I think it’s fake. I’m guessing it’s fake.
Some groups are calling on people to fast and pray on the day of Bush’s inauguration to protest his reelection. That’s not going to work. The people who fast and pray are the ones who voted for him in. That’s his audience.
Today at her confirmation hearing for Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice said that it's time for the United States to start using more diplomacy. Oh man, we must be running really low on ammunition.
Election Day in Iraq is less than 2 weeks away and as preparation, we are completely sealing the Iraq borders. How can we seal the Iraq borders — we can’t even seal the California border.
European airline manufacturer, Airbus, sounds attractive, doesn’t it, Airbus? Airbus has unveiled their design for a new double-decker jumbo jet. It seats 555 average sized people or 126 fat ass Americans.
That’s a good trend, huh? Planes getting bigger, pilots getting drunker. Yeah, that’s a good idea.
How stupid is this - two companies are now making R.V.’s that they say can withstand the radiation from a nuclear attack. Okay, let’s say that’s true, and you buy one, and you’re doesn’t work…how do you get your money back on something like that?
This is something that made me think - according to "Life” magazine, every coffee bean passes through at least forty pairs of hands before it gets to you. Forty people touch each coffee bean. There’s another thing about coffee that’ll keep you up all night.
Some sad news - the CEO of Krispy Kreme donuts was fired today. Apparently he had no idea it was coming, and when they told him, his eyes just glazed over.
The E! Channel has announced they’re going to start broadcasting recreations of the Michael Jackson trial, using actors reading the transcripts. I believe the role of michael will be played by Latoya Jackson.
And the role of Michael’s young accuser will be played by David Spade.
Did you hear about this? You know Richard Hatch, the first "Survivor” winner, the naked guy, he did not report his million dollar prize winnings to the IRS. Now he’s starring in another series, "Survivor: Prison Shower”. Let’s see how much he likes walking around naked now.
Our old friend Donald Trump is getting married this weekend. That will be a small, quiet affair I’m sure. Donald has invited both his ex-wives to his wedding. That’s gotta make a bride uncomfortable, huh? Walking down the aisle, seeing your new husband’s ex-wives sitting there holding a place for you.
You think that’s weird inviting your ex-wives to the wedding? Would you invite your ex-wives to your wedding? Hey, at least it’s better than Jennifer Lopez who invites her future husbands to the weddings.
According to the "New York Post”, Paris Hilton is now asking $300,000 to make a personal appearance. Three hundred thousand dollars? Seems like an awful lot, especially when you can just download her video for $19.95.
Letterman
Have you heard about this new Airbus built in Europe? It’s a double-decker plane, the largest ever built. It also comes with 30 bitchy male flight attendants.
Ferguson
There’s a new type of breast implant that’s a material that feels like the Gummi Bears candy. Hey I’m thinking that if we’re going to make breast implants like candy why don’t we start with Whoppers?
News from Washington – today Condoleezza Rice stated that we have no plans to attack North Korea. That can mean only one thing. North Korea has no oil.
A group that evaluates gym teachers across the country has given American gym teachers an F. Do you really think any gym teacher cares about a few F’s? Isn’t that how they got the job?
There’s a new modern translation of the Bible out. It’s very modern, I think it goes too far. It starts out with "Brand and Jennifer left the Garden of Eden.”
Kevin Costner turns 50 today. He had plans to celebrate with a small but intimate group in his home – the people that have seen his last five movies.
Leno
Here’s some exciting news - according to the "New York Post”, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry again! Political experts say it’s too early to tell who would lose bigger!
This Thursday is President Bush’s inauguration, very exciting, but, be careful, there are a lot of con-artists out there selling phony inaugural party tickets. Like I got an invitation in the mail the other day to a performance called "George W. Bush, the Man Who Saved the World” it was narrated by Dan Rather, sung by Barbara Streisand, and directed by Michael Moore. I think it’s fake. I’m guessing it’s fake.
Some groups are calling on people to fast and pray on the day of Bush’s inauguration to protest his reelection. That’s not going to work. The people who fast and pray are the ones who voted for him in. That’s his audience.
Today at her confirmation hearing for Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice said that it's time for the United States to start using more diplomacy. Oh man, we must be running really low on ammunition.
Election Day in Iraq is less than 2 weeks away and as preparation, we are completely sealing the Iraq borders. How can we seal the Iraq borders — we can’t even seal the California border.
European airline manufacturer, Airbus, sounds attractive, doesn’t it, Airbus? Airbus has unveiled their design for a new double-decker jumbo jet. It seats 555 average sized people or 126 fat ass Americans.
That’s a good trend, huh? Planes getting bigger, pilots getting drunker. Yeah, that’s a good idea.
How stupid is this - two companies are now making R.V.’s that they say can withstand the radiation from a nuclear attack. Okay, let’s say that’s true, and you buy one, and you’re doesn’t work…how do you get your money back on something like that?
This is something that made me think - according to "Life” magazine, every coffee bean passes through at least forty pairs of hands before it gets to you. Forty people touch each coffee bean. There’s another thing about coffee that’ll keep you up all night.
Some sad news - the CEO of Krispy Kreme donuts was fired today. Apparently he had no idea it was coming, and when they told him, his eyes just glazed over.
The E! Channel has announced they’re going to start broadcasting recreations of the Michael Jackson trial, using actors reading the transcripts. I believe the role of michael will be played by Latoya Jackson.
And the role of Michael’s young accuser will be played by David Spade.
Did you hear about this? You know Richard Hatch, the first "Survivor” winner, the naked guy, he did not report his million dollar prize winnings to the IRS. Now he’s starring in another series, "Survivor: Prison Shower”. Let’s see how much he likes walking around naked now.
Our old friend Donald Trump is getting married this weekend. That will be a small, quiet affair I’m sure. Donald has invited both his ex-wives to his wedding. That’s gotta make a bride uncomfortable, huh? Walking down the aisle, seeing your new husband’s ex-wives sitting there holding a place for you.
You think that’s weird inviting your ex-wives to the wedding? Would you invite your ex-wives to your wedding? Hey, at least it’s better than Jennifer Lopez who invites her future husbands to the weddings.
According to the "New York Post”, Paris Hilton is now asking $300,000 to make a personal appearance. Three hundred thousand dollars? Seems like an awful lot, especially when you can just download her video for $19.95.
Letterman
Have you heard about this new Airbus built in Europe? It’s a double-decker plane, the largest ever built. It also comes with 30 bitchy male flight attendants.
Ferguson
There’s a new type of breast implant that’s a material that feels like the Gummi Bears candy. Hey I’m thinking that if we’re going to make breast implants like candy why don’t we start with Whoppers?
News from Washington – today Condoleezza Rice stated that we have no plans to attack North Korea. That can mean only one thing. North Korea has no oil.
A group that evaluates gym teachers across the country has given American gym teachers an F. Do you really think any gym teacher cares about a few F’s? Isn’t that how they got the job?
There’s a new modern translation of the Bible out. It’s very modern, I think it goes too far. It starts out with "Brand and Jennifer left the Garden of Eden.”
Kevin Costner turns 50 today. He had plans to celebrate with a small but intimate group in his home – the people that have seen his last five movies.
