Monday, January 31, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Big problems with next week’s Super Bowl. I hear they might not even air the Eagles playing the Patriots because of legal reasons. You know about this? Because you know, apparently you’re not supposed to televise an execution.
Terrell Owens who has a broken bone in his foot, says God is healing his ankle in time for the Super Bowl. He says god is performing a miracle for him. And today God said, "Hey, I got the Eagles in the Super Bowl. I’m through with miracles pal.”
Iraqis are voting in U.S. cities like Washington, D.C. and Detroit. The amazing thing is there’s more gunfire there then in Fallujah and Baghdad.
I don’t think a lot of people are going to be wearing those "I voted” stickers.
Some Iraqi politicians are telling voters if they don't vote for them, they'll go to hell. Boy, imagine trying to use your religion to get votes. Thank God politicians in this country don't try that type of thing, huh?
Earlier today, on her second day on the job, secretary of state Condoleezza Rice named Barbara Boxer, Ambassador to Fallujah. I didn’t quite understand what that was about.
The Clippers beat the Lakers the other night. Of course, the Lakers were without their best player. Shaquille O’Neal.
How scary is this? In Raleigh, North Carolina, a medical examiner was studying the body of a man in a morgue when the man started breathing. That’s like Anna Nicole Smith’s worst nightmare!
A federal appeals court reinstated a lawsuit filed by two teenagers against McDonald’s for making them fat. McDonald’s made the kids fat! The court said McDonald’s may have violated New York’s consumer protection act by not telling people what's in their food. What’s in the food? We're talking about McNuggets here! Even McDonald’s doesn't know what's in those things. No one knows what’s in a McNugget.
Anheuser-Busch has come out with a new beer with caffeine in it. What was the thinking was there? "You know Phil, we could sell more beer if there was just a way to keep drunk guys from passing out…hey wait a minute!”
Researchers at USC report that foreign immigration to California will slow down over the next 25 years. Of course it will slow down. You think that’s because maybe everybody is already here.
There’s a lot of strange science in the paper this week - Chinese scientists say they have successfully fused human cells with rabbit eggs. Actually the British did that years ago. That’s how Prince Charles got those ears.
A two-headed lamb has been born in China. Hey Kev, do you know what they would call that in the south? A double date.
L.A. officials say that an African wildcat is loose in the city Los Angeles. People take these wild animals here as pets and lose them. They plan to catch it by baiting it with a jungle cat’s favorite food — Las Vegas magician.
Four Sacramento firefighters, three men and a woman, may lose their jobs after they got caught having an orgy in the station house while on duty. You can understand how this happened — you combine long hours, tense situations, four lonely people and a brass pole.
Scientists in at the Pacific Northwest laboratory in Washington say they have created a way to artificially petrify wood. Isn’t that called Viagra?
I don’t know if many of you watched Katie Couric’s special the other night where she talked to teenagers about sex. The kids were quite open. Twelve percent of teens said they’ve talked to a teacher about sex. And 30% said they’ve talked to a teacher during sex.
It’s happened again - a high school teacher from Redwood City has been arrested after DNA tests proved that the father of her baby was on of her former student. When did this start? Teachers sleeping with students? You know when I was in high school, the only teacher who hit on me was my drama teacher. And he wasn’t even that good-looking.
In his autobiography, Englebert Humperdink claims he cheated with over 3000 women and his wife of over 40 years is fine with it, because she said it was less work for her. And today Bill Clinton got an autographed copy of the book for Hillary.
On Monday, a judge will introduce Michael Jackson to 300 prospective jurors. Does anyone need to be introduced to Michael Jackson? Are the jurors sitting there going, "Now which one is Michael? Is it the guy in the drum major outfit with half a nose?”
There are reports that Michael Douglas is getting ready to star in his third "Romancing the Stone” movie. Since he’s getting a bit little older, so this one will be called "Passing the Stone”.
Leno
Big problems with next week’s Super Bowl. I hear they might not even air the Eagles playing the Patriots because of legal reasons. You know about this? Because you know, apparently you’re not supposed to televise an execution.
Terrell Owens who has a broken bone in his foot, says God is healing his ankle in time for the Super Bowl. He says god is performing a miracle for him. And today God said, "Hey, I got the Eagles in the Super Bowl. I’m through with miracles pal.”
Iraqis are voting in U.S. cities like Washington, D.C. and Detroit. The amazing thing is there’s more gunfire there then in Fallujah and Baghdad.
I don’t think a lot of people are going to be wearing those "I voted” stickers.
Some Iraqi politicians are telling voters if they don't vote for them, they'll go to hell. Boy, imagine trying to use your religion to get votes. Thank God politicians in this country don't try that type of thing, huh?
Earlier today, on her second day on the job, secretary of state Condoleezza Rice named Barbara Boxer, Ambassador to Fallujah. I didn’t quite understand what that was about.
The Clippers beat the Lakers the other night. Of course, the Lakers were without their best player. Shaquille O’Neal.
How scary is this? In Raleigh, North Carolina, a medical examiner was studying the body of a man in a morgue when the man started breathing. That’s like Anna Nicole Smith’s worst nightmare!
A federal appeals court reinstated a lawsuit filed by two teenagers against McDonald’s for making them fat. McDonald’s made the kids fat! The court said McDonald’s may have violated New York’s consumer protection act by not telling people what's in their food. What’s in the food? We're talking about McNuggets here! Even McDonald’s doesn't know what's in those things. No one knows what’s in a McNugget.
Anheuser-Busch has come out with a new beer with caffeine in it. What was the thinking was there? "You know Phil, we could sell more beer if there was just a way to keep drunk guys from passing out…hey wait a minute!”
Researchers at USC report that foreign immigration to California will slow down over the next 25 years. Of course it will slow down. You think that’s because maybe everybody is already here.
There’s a lot of strange science in the paper this week - Chinese scientists say they have successfully fused human cells with rabbit eggs. Actually the British did that years ago. That’s how Prince Charles got those ears.
A two-headed lamb has been born in China. Hey Kev, do you know what they would call that in the south? A double date.
L.A. officials say that an African wildcat is loose in the city Los Angeles. People take these wild animals here as pets and lose them. They plan to catch it by baiting it with a jungle cat’s favorite food — Las Vegas magician.
Four Sacramento firefighters, three men and a woman, may lose their jobs after they got caught having an orgy in the station house while on duty. You can understand how this happened — you combine long hours, tense situations, four lonely people and a brass pole.
Scientists in at the Pacific Northwest laboratory in Washington say they have created a way to artificially petrify wood. Isn’t that called Viagra?
I don’t know if many of you watched Katie Couric’s special the other night where she talked to teenagers about sex. The kids were quite open. Twelve percent of teens said they’ve talked to a teacher about sex. And 30% said they’ve talked to a teacher during sex.
It’s happened again - a high school teacher from Redwood City has been arrested after DNA tests proved that the father of her baby was on of her former student. When did this start? Teachers sleeping with students? You know when I was in high school, the only teacher who hit on me was my drama teacher. And he wasn’t even that good-looking.
In his autobiography, Englebert Humperdink claims he cheated with over 3000 women and his wife of over 40 years is fine with it, because she said it was less work for her. And today Bill Clinton got an autographed copy of the book for Hillary.
On Monday, a judge will introduce Michael Jackson to 300 prospective jurors. Does anyone need to be introduced to Michael Jackson? Are the jurors sitting there going, "Now which one is Michael? Is it the guy in the drum major outfit with half a nose?”
There are reports that Michael Douglas is getting ready to star in his third "Romancing the Stone” movie. Since he’s getting a bit little older, so this one will be called "Passing the Stone”.
