Sunday, January 23, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
As you know President Bush had his swearing in yesterday. In fact a lot of Democrats are still swearing.
The inauguration was a very emotional moment. Laura Bush had tears in her eyes, the president’s mom Barbara Bush had tears in her eyes... John Kerry had tears in his eyes.
This was kind of sad – today President Bush went back out to Pennsylvania Avenue and sat in the reviewing stand. He thought there was going to be a parade every day.
I tell you what’s really sad - did you see Bill and Hillary at the inauguration? Bill sitting there wishing it was 1996 and Hillary was there wishing it was 2008.
People on TV kept saying the inauguration was full of "pomp and ceremony”. I know what ceremony is, but what is "pomp”? Do you that word, pomp? Isn’t that the name for a fat pimp? A pomp?
Here’s an interesting bit of inaugural trivia – do you know which of our elected presidents had the shortest inaugural speech? Al Gore.
As I’m sure you saw, there were ten inaugural balls and President Bush attended every one including the Texas National Guard Ball, but no one recalls seeing there.
Michael Powell has resigned as the head of the FCC. Apparently he wanted to get out before the next Super Bowl halftime show.
Here’s an amazing story - in Brazil, a woman gave birth to a giant baby weighing 16.7 pounds. The baby is expected to walk before the mother.
Talk about a painful birth – instead of forceps the doctor used the Jaws of Life.
They said today the family doesn’t use a stroller, they use a flatbed.
CBS says that after Dan Rather steps down as CBS News anchor, they may replace him with three anchors. One to read the news and two to check the facts.
Donald Trump is getting married this weekend. Apparently there’s already trouble in the relationship. Donald became upset when she said she wanted to be in the wedding photos too.
The couple are writing their own vows. The vows for the bride include to love, honor, and not point and laugh at his hair.
Some more happy news – New York Mets Catcher Mike Piazza is now engaged to a former "Baywatch” star – David Hasselhoff.
I think it’s great that Mike Piazza is getting married. After all, he plays for the Mets, this is his only chance to get a ring.
Did you hear about this? Christian groups say that a Spongebob video being sent to schools encourages a gay lifestyle. Spongebob is denying he is gay, and so is his longtime companion "Kitchen Sponge Toby”.
Shouldn’t we be more upset that kids are watching cartoons in school?
O.J. Simpson’s 19 year old daughter was arrested in Miami for disorderly conduct at a basketball game. Sydney was yelling at police when they came and then charged with resisting arrest. What is it with these Simpson kids that makes them think they can get away with murder?
Letterman
The inauguration was yesterday. I tell you things are really starting to look bad for John Kerry.
Isn’t it nice to see a president that puts his hands on a Bible instead of an intern again?
The inauguration was a huge success. President Bush raised $40 million dollars.
It was a very big night for the Bush family. This morning the Bush twins were found in Lincoln’s lap.
Donald Trump is getting married tomorrow. There’s to be 500 guests at the wedding. Seating for 12 in Trump’s hair.
Conan
Donald Trump is getting married tomorrow. He originally wanted the wedding to air on NBC. But instead it will air on the Soon To Be History Channel.
Bob Jones the president of Bob Jones University will no longer be the president of Bob Jones University. He is stepping down. When asked why he was stepping down it was said because his name wasn’t Bob "Jonesy" enough.
Ferguson
Well the party is over, the inauguration is all over and it’s back to business in Washington – so President Bush left for vacation.
It was hot today. Like 80 out. It was so hot here in Beverly Hills I saw a guy in a Porsche with his toupee down.
A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms.
In an interview the president of NBC said that the Dan Rather scandal was a disgrace. Unfortunately the interview couldn’t be finished when he got up and ran down to a taping of "Fear Factor”.
Leno
As you know President Bush had his swearing in yesterday. In fact a lot of Democrats are still swearing.
The inauguration was a very emotional moment. Laura Bush had tears in her eyes, the president’s mom Barbara Bush had tears in her eyes... John Kerry had tears in his eyes.
This was kind of sad – today President Bush went back out to Pennsylvania Avenue and sat in the reviewing stand. He thought there was going to be a parade every day.
I tell you what’s really sad - did you see Bill and Hillary at the inauguration? Bill sitting there wishing it was 1996 and Hillary was there wishing it was 2008.
People on TV kept saying the inauguration was full of "pomp and ceremony”. I know what ceremony is, but what is "pomp”? Do you that word, pomp? Isn’t that the name for a fat pimp? A pomp?
Here’s an interesting bit of inaugural trivia – do you know which of our elected presidents had the shortest inaugural speech? Al Gore.
As I’m sure you saw, there were ten inaugural balls and President Bush attended every one including the Texas National Guard Ball, but no one recalls seeing there.
Michael Powell has resigned as the head of the FCC. Apparently he wanted to get out before the next Super Bowl halftime show.
Here’s an amazing story - in Brazil, a woman gave birth to a giant baby weighing 16.7 pounds. The baby is expected to walk before the mother.
Talk about a painful birth – instead of forceps the doctor used the Jaws of Life.
They said today the family doesn’t use a stroller, they use a flatbed.
CBS says that after Dan Rather steps down as CBS News anchor, they may replace him with three anchors. One to read the news and two to check the facts.
Donald Trump is getting married this weekend. Apparently there’s already trouble in the relationship. Donald became upset when she said she wanted to be in the wedding photos too.
The couple are writing their own vows. The vows for the bride include to love, honor, and not point and laugh at his hair.
Some more happy news – New York Mets Catcher Mike Piazza is now engaged to a former "Baywatch” star – David Hasselhoff.
I think it’s great that Mike Piazza is getting married. After all, he plays for the Mets, this is his only chance to get a ring.
Did you hear about this? Christian groups say that a Spongebob video being sent to schools encourages a gay lifestyle. Spongebob is denying he is gay, and so is his longtime companion "Kitchen Sponge Toby”.
Shouldn’t we be more upset that kids are watching cartoons in school?
O.J. Simpson’s 19 year old daughter was arrested in Miami for disorderly conduct at a basketball game. Sydney was yelling at police when they came and then charged with resisting arrest. What is it with these Simpson kids that makes them think they can get away with murder?
Letterman
The inauguration was yesterday. I tell you things are really starting to look bad for John Kerry.
Isn’t it nice to see a president that puts his hands on a Bible instead of an intern again?
The inauguration was a huge success. President Bush raised $40 million dollars.
It was a very big night for the Bush family. This morning the Bush twins were found in Lincoln’s lap.
Donald Trump is getting married tomorrow. There’s to be 500 guests at the wedding. Seating for 12 in Trump’s hair.
Conan
Donald Trump is getting married tomorrow. He originally wanted the wedding to air on NBC. But instead it will air on the Soon To Be History Channel.
Bob Jones the president of Bob Jones University will no longer be the president of Bob Jones University. He is stepping down. When asked why he was stepping down it was said because his name wasn’t Bob "Jonesy" enough.
Ferguson
Well the party is over, the inauguration is all over and it’s back to business in Washington – so President Bush left for vacation.
It was hot today. Like 80 out. It was so hot here in Beverly Hills I saw a guy in a Porsche with his toupee down.
A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms.
In an interview the president of NBC said that the Dan Rather scandal was a disgrace. Unfortunately the interview couldn’t be finished when he got up and ran down to a taping of "Fear Factor”.
