Monday, December 27, 2004
Letterman
Welcome to the "Late Show”. Some of these jokes will require some assembly.
Are you in the holiday spirit? You know Flash Dancers? They’re in the spirit. Earlier today the girls were seen trimming the pole.
There’s a big celebrity birthday coming up – Jesus!
This is the time of the year when my Uncle Earl goes into stores and stages falls to get settlement money.
It was sad last year when Uncle Earl came over for Christmas. We had to take him to the emergency room. What happened was that he ate an entire bag of those packaging peanuts.
Did you all get a tree? I tried to find a tree. It’s crazy getting a tree here in New York City. I finally found one after six hours. I found the one I wanted and the price was $100! For a damn tree. And if you want it placed on your roof it costs you another $50. No, wait that’s the deal for a hooker.
Conan
According to the "Wall Street Journal” instead of presents lots of people are giving gift certificates for plastic surgery for Christmas. What more of a perfect way to say to someone you love them on Christmas by saying, "You’re ugly!”
Tomorrow night is Christmas Eve and our show won’t be on because of Pope John Paul II and the televised Midnight Mass. I can’t wait for the end of the mass when the Pope says, "Stay tuned for Carson Daley!”
Health experts say that during the time between Christmas and New Years people gain weight. Which in the case of Reuben Studdard you gain weight from New Years until Christmas.
In Florida a 96-year-old woman is running for mayor. When asked if she knew who she was running against she said, "Time.”
The other day Michael Jackson had a big Christmas Party at the Neverland Ranch which was attended by a lot of children. Afterwards Jackson was visited by the Ghost of Don’t You Ever Learn!
Welcome to the "Late Show”. Some of these jokes will require some assembly.
Are you in the holiday spirit? You know Flash Dancers? They’re in the spirit. Earlier today the girls were seen trimming the pole.
There’s a big celebrity birthday coming up – Jesus!
This is the time of the year when my Uncle Earl goes into stores and stages falls to get settlement money.
It was sad last year when Uncle Earl came over for Christmas. We had to take him to the emergency room. What happened was that he ate an entire bag of those packaging peanuts.
Did you all get a tree? I tried to find a tree. It’s crazy getting a tree here in New York City. I finally found one after six hours. I found the one I wanted and the price was $100! For a damn tree. And if you want it placed on your roof it costs you another $50. No, wait that’s the deal for a hooker.
Conan
According to the "Wall Street Journal” instead of presents lots of people are giving gift certificates for plastic surgery for Christmas. What more of a perfect way to say to someone you love them on Christmas by saying, "You’re ugly!”
Tomorrow night is Christmas Eve and our show won’t be on because of Pope John Paul II and the televised Midnight Mass. I can’t wait for the end of the mass when the Pope says, "Stay tuned for Carson Daley!”
Health experts say that during the time between Christmas and New Years people gain weight. Which in the case of Reuben Studdard you gain weight from New Years until Christmas.
In Florida a 96-year-old woman is running for mayor. When asked if she knew who she was running against she said, "Time.”
The other day Michael Jackson had a big Christmas Party at the Neverland Ranch which was attended by a lot of children. Afterwards Jackson was visited by the Ghost of Don’t You Ever Learn!
