Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Leno
Wal-Mart announced they have fired several of their top executives. Do you know how you can tell when a Wal-Mart executive is out of a job? You see him shopping at Wal-Mart!
Yesterday in a speech, President Bush said, "This nation must never settle for mediocrity." Then he said, "So Dick Cheney will now be giving the rest of the speech."
They say Scott Peterson spends his time quietly in his cell reading. I think he's reading that new inspirational best seller, "The Five People You Meet in Hell."
On the news they keep saying that Peterson will now get in a line of about 650 people here in California who are waiting to be executed. That's gotta be the politest line in history, huh? "You want to go ahead?" "Oh no, I wouldn't think of it." "Please." "Oh no, you stay where you are."
According to a new study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, married people are healthier than single people. That's why people in L.A. are so healthy. A lot of them have been married three, four times.
Did you see this? A truck turned over in Las Vegas and spilled millions of angry bees on the road. And - what are the odds of this? - they attacked Roy.
Kobe Bryant was all over ESPN this week trying to repair his negative public image. I don't know if it'll work. Right now Kobe's approval rating is 3.
Letterman
Today is the last day to send out packages if you want to make sure they are broken by Christmas.
Next week on NBC it's a special Christmas "Fear Factor." All of the contestants will bob for ornaments in a bucket of reindeer crap.
President Bush had his annual physical. He's in great physical shape ... no word on the mental part.
The president's body fat has increased. He's gotten heavier. To tell you how heavy he is ... if he was a woman, Bill Clinton would hit on him.
Conan
The stores are crowded this year. Retail experts say that if you go shopping expect to wait 30 minutes in lines – or to avoid crowds go see "Alexander."
Wal-Mart announced they have fired several of their top executives. Do you know how you can tell when a Wal-Mart executive is out of a job? You see him shopping at Wal-Mart!
Yesterday in a speech, President Bush said, "This nation must never settle for mediocrity." Then he said, "So Dick Cheney will now be giving the rest of the speech."
They say Scott Peterson spends his time quietly in his cell reading. I think he's reading that new inspirational best seller, "The Five People You Meet in Hell."
On the news they keep saying that Peterson will now get in a line of about 650 people here in California who are waiting to be executed. That's gotta be the politest line in history, huh? "You want to go ahead?" "Oh no, I wouldn't think of it." "Please." "Oh no, you stay where you are."
According to a new study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, married people are healthier than single people. That's why people in L.A. are so healthy. A lot of them have been married three, four times.
Did you see this? A truck turned over in Las Vegas and spilled millions of angry bees on the road. And - what are the odds of this? - they attacked Roy.
Kobe Bryant was all over ESPN this week trying to repair his negative public image. I don't know if it'll work. Right now Kobe's approval rating is 3.
Letterman
Today is the last day to send out packages if you want to make sure they are broken by Christmas.
Next week on NBC it's a special Christmas "Fear Factor." All of the contestants will bob for ornaments in a bucket of reindeer crap.
President Bush had his annual physical. He's in great physical shape ... no word on the mental part.
The president's body fat has increased. He's gotten heavier. To tell you how heavy he is ... if he was a woman, Bill Clinton would hit on him.
Conan
The stores are crowded this year. Retail experts say that if you go shopping expect to wait 30 minutes in lines – or to avoid crowds go see "Alexander."
