Monday, December 13, 2004
Leno
John Kerry has announced that he will go to Iraq next month...I guess he heard they’re having their presidential elections next month and Kerry thinks he’s got a shot this time.
I noticed that applause sounded stronger than normal. Have you folks been using that new Barry Bonds hand cream? Is that what it is?
Horrible news today for Barry Bonds, did you hear about this? It seems last night he got his steroid cream mixed up with his hemorrhoid cream an now they’re huge!
Mike Tyson was arrested this week in Scottsdale, Arizona, after punching out some guy’s car. For no reason, Tyson jumped on the hood and just started punching the car. The guy said having Mike Tyson punching his car wasn’t so bad. But when he bit off the side mirror….not good.
I got a new hood ornament on my car. Mike Tyson.
Hey Kev, did you hear Mike Tyson has a new show? It’s called "Pimp-Slap My Ride!”
They think this little incident will cost mike Tyson the job at the car wash.
Tyson now is demanding a rematch with the car in February.
I finally got my Christmas tree the other night. Remember when you had to tie the tree to the top of your car to get it home? Remember that? Well these new cars are so big, most trees fit inside. In fact, the new Cadillac escalade actually has a Christmas tree holder right in the dash.
Scientists now say if you want you Christmas tree to last longer and look better, put vodka in the base. Isn’t that a waste? Giving your tree vodka to make it look better? I saw drink the vodka yourself and then everything will look better.
You know the hot gift this Christmas? Chemistry sets. Especially if your kid wants to play Major League Baseball.
Get him one of these. He can make his own steroids.
Earlier tonight the WB will broadcast the Christmas classic "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas”. It was followed by a rebuttal from Mark Geragos on how the Grinch really wasn’t that bad a guy and he was always punctual.
Things are not looking good for Scott Peterson. The judge was talking to the jury about whether or not to do the death penalty, and it looked like the jurors were all taking notes – turns out they were playing hangman.
The Scott Peterson jury is having trouble finding the right punishment for him. The problem is; you can only kill him once. And that doesn’t seem like enough.
A Washington state supreme court has ruled it’s illegal for a parent to eavesdrop on their children’s phone conversations without their consent. So the state is telling parents they can’t listen to "their” kids on the phone they pay for. And of course once the kid commits a crime, who does the state blame? The parents.
Dick Clark had a mild stroke, or as Dick calls it, a blooper.
We want to give our best to Dick Clark. Doctors say he should make a full recovery. In fact the doctor listened to dick’s heart with the stethoscope…said it had a good beat…gave it a 10. And you could dance to it.
Man, I saw a really bad holiday special on TV last night: "Michael Jackson’s Barely Legal Christmas”. Horrible thing that was.
The latest in the Michael Jackson case seems to be that police have found Michael’s fingerprints and the 13 year old boy’s fingerprints on Michael Jackson’s pornography collection suggesting he was reading pornography with the child. If only Michael had worn that other glove, huh?
John Kerry has announced that he will go to Iraq next month...I guess he heard they’re having their presidential elections next month and Kerry thinks he’s got a shot this time.
I noticed that applause sounded stronger than normal. Have you folks been using that new Barry Bonds hand cream? Is that what it is?
Horrible news today for Barry Bonds, did you hear about this? It seems last night he got his steroid cream mixed up with his hemorrhoid cream an now they’re huge!
Mike Tyson was arrested this week in Scottsdale, Arizona, after punching out some guy’s car. For no reason, Tyson jumped on the hood and just started punching the car. The guy said having Mike Tyson punching his car wasn’t so bad. But when he bit off the side mirror….not good.
I got a new hood ornament on my car. Mike Tyson.
Hey Kev, did you hear Mike Tyson has a new show? It’s called "Pimp-Slap My Ride!”
They think this little incident will cost mike Tyson the job at the car wash.
Tyson now is demanding a rematch with the car in February.
I finally got my Christmas tree the other night. Remember when you had to tie the tree to the top of your car to get it home? Remember that? Well these new cars are so big, most trees fit inside. In fact, the new Cadillac escalade actually has a Christmas tree holder right in the dash.
Scientists now say if you want you Christmas tree to last longer and look better, put vodka in the base. Isn’t that a waste? Giving your tree vodka to make it look better? I saw drink the vodka yourself and then everything will look better.
You know the hot gift this Christmas? Chemistry sets. Especially if your kid wants to play Major League Baseball.
Get him one of these. He can make his own steroids.
Earlier tonight the WB will broadcast the Christmas classic "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas”. It was followed by a rebuttal from Mark Geragos on how the Grinch really wasn’t that bad a guy and he was always punctual.
Things are not looking good for Scott Peterson. The judge was talking to the jury about whether or not to do the death penalty, and it looked like the jurors were all taking notes – turns out they were playing hangman.
The Scott Peterson jury is having trouble finding the right punishment for him. The problem is; you can only kill him once. And that doesn’t seem like enough.
A Washington state supreme court has ruled it’s illegal for a parent to eavesdrop on their children’s phone conversations without their consent. So the state is telling parents they can’t listen to "their” kids on the phone they pay for. And of course once the kid commits a crime, who does the state blame? The parents.
Dick Clark had a mild stroke, or as Dick calls it, a blooper.
We want to give our best to Dick Clark. Doctors say he should make a full recovery. In fact the doctor listened to dick’s heart with the stethoscope…said it had a good beat…gave it a 10. And you could dance to it.
Man, I saw a really bad holiday special on TV last night: "Michael Jackson’s Barely Legal Christmas”. Horrible thing that was.
The latest in the Michael Jackson case seems to be that police have found Michael’s fingerprints and the 13 year old boy’s fingerprints on Michael Jackson’s pornography collection suggesting he was reading pornography with the child. If only Michael had worn that other glove, huh?
