Saturday, December 11, 2004
Leno
I did the dumbest thing last night. I was buying my Christmas tree, and I let the salesman talk me into the three-year extended warranty. Uhhh! Idiot….so stupid. I don’t really need it.
I guess the jury is now in deliberations for the Scott Peterson trial and people say that Scott Peterson jury has a tough choice ahead of it – regular or extra crispy.
Strange thing happened last night….I didn’t tell you this Kev…I rubbed some of Barry Bond’s skin cream on my Toyota. Now it’s a muscle car.
As you know, steroids have become a huge problem in professional sports. Like look at the Lakers. Apparently they aren’t taking enough of them.
I think these baseball players on steroids set a bad example for young fans. It’s not like the good old days, when kids could lookup to alcoholics like Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle. Wife beaters, where are those guys?
Now the baseball players union and the league have outlined a new drug testing program. It’s totally new. This time they’ll actually test for drugs.
In one of Washington’s great ironies, President Bush passed the intelligence bill; that’s like Bill Clinton passing the celibacy bill.
As part of the new intelligence reform bill there are guarantees of huge changes in immigration enforcement. From now on no one can get in without a proper visa or a good curveball.
I read in the paper today, that a lot of Americans when they travel to avoid trouble claim to be Canadian. In fact they also do it when they’re looking for prescription drugs.
Today the supreme court of Canada ruled in favor of gay marriage. To which President Bush said, "I got out of there just in time.”
Yesterday, Senator Joe Biden announced that he will decide whether he’s going to run for president in 2008 in about 2 years. What kind of announcement is this? He holds a press conference to basically say he made an announcement that he had no announcement. He just wanted to announce that he had nothing to announce for 2 years.
A couple in Deltona, Florida have gone on strike against their 12 year old daughter and 17 year old son. The parents have actually moved out of the house and into a tent in the front yard. Is that supposed to be some kind of punishment? Every kid in the country is going "hey, why won’t you do that mom…”
Mike Tyson came out of a nightclub in Arizona, attacked some guy’s Toyota Solara and started punching the front end. He pummeled the front end of the car. You know what he was charged with don’t you? Assault on a battery.
After fighting the Toyota, Mike said he’s going to move up to a different weight class. He wants to fight an SUV.
Carl’s Jr. announced a new burger called the pastrami burger. It’s pastrami on a hamburger. That’s when you know we’re getting too fat when we’re using meat as a condiment for other meat. "Let me put a little pastrami on that for you.”
This week in Bogota, Columbia a comedian has set a new world record for telling jokes for 65 hours straight. Gee I wonder how a guy in Columbia was able to stay awake for 65 hours straight?!
More problems for Michael Jackson. Today his inner child filed a restraining order against him.
The "National Enquirer” says the police found Michael Jackson’s stash of porn in a briefcase at the Neverland Ranch. See, that just shows you how truly strange Michael Jackson is – what guy hides his porno in a briefcase. You hide it in your sock drawer like any good American.
"Indiana Jones 4” is going to happen. Sixty-two year old Harrison Ford is returning to the starring role. Sixty-two? I think the new one’s called "Indiana Jones: The Quest for Fiber”.
"Indiana Jones”? Sounds more like "Barnaby Jones” doesn’t it?
In fact, I understand there’s a big chase scene on a Rascal scooter.
Anybody watch the Barbara Walters special last night, "Ten Most Fascinating People”? In her interview last night with Barbara Walters, Paris Hilton said that she reads books. Well that’s pretty amazing for a 23 year old, huh? I understand she reads at a 24 year old level.
Only in California are people impressed that a 23 year old would read a book.
I did the dumbest thing last night. I was buying my Christmas tree, and I let the salesman talk me into the three-year extended warranty. Uhhh! Idiot….so stupid. I don’t really need it.
I guess the jury is now in deliberations for the Scott Peterson trial and people say that Scott Peterson jury has a tough choice ahead of it – regular or extra crispy.
Strange thing happened last night….I didn’t tell you this Kev…I rubbed some of Barry Bond’s skin cream on my Toyota. Now it’s a muscle car.
As you know, steroids have become a huge problem in professional sports. Like look at the Lakers. Apparently they aren’t taking enough of them.
I think these baseball players on steroids set a bad example for young fans. It’s not like the good old days, when kids could lookup to alcoholics like Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle. Wife beaters, where are those guys?
Now the baseball players union and the league have outlined a new drug testing program. It’s totally new. This time they’ll actually test for drugs.
In one of Washington’s great ironies, President Bush passed the intelligence bill; that’s like Bill Clinton passing the celibacy bill.
As part of the new intelligence reform bill there are guarantees of huge changes in immigration enforcement. From now on no one can get in without a proper visa or a good curveball.
I read in the paper today, that a lot of Americans when they travel to avoid trouble claim to be Canadian. In fact they also do it when they’re looking for prescription drugs.
Today the supreme court of Canada ruled in favor of gay marriage. To which President Bush said, "I got out of there just in time.”
Yesterday, Senator Joe Biden announced that he will decide whether he’s going to run for president in 2008 in about 2 years. What kind of announcement is this? He holds a press conference to basically say he made an announcement that he had no announcement. He just wanted to announce that he had nothing to announce for 2 years.
A couple in Deltona, Florida have gone on strike against their 12 year old daughter and 17 year old son. The parents have actually moved out of the house and into a tent in the front yard. Is that supposed to be some kind of punishment? Every kid in the country is going "hey, why won’t you do that mom…”
Mike Tyson came out of a nightclub in Arizona, attacked some guy’s Toyota Solara and started punching the front end. He pummeled the front end of the car. You know what he was charged with don’t you? Assault on a battery.
After fighting the Toyota, Mike said he’s going to move up to a different weight class. He wants to fight an SUV.
Carl’s Jr. announced a new burger called the pastrami burger. It’s pastrami on a hamburger. That’s when you know we’re getting too fat when we’re using meat as a condiment for other meat. "Let me put a little pastrami on that for you.”
This week in Bogota, Columbia a comedian has set a new world record for telling jokes for 65 hours straight. Gee I wonder how a guy in Columbia was able to stay awake for 65 hours straight?!
More problems for Michael Jackson. Today his inner child filed a restraining order against him.
The "National Enquirer” says the police found Michael Jackson’s stash of porn in a briefcase at the Neverland Ranch. See, that just shows you how truly strange Michael Jackson is – what guy hides his porno in a briefcase. You hide it in your sock drawer like any good American.
"Indiana Jones 4” is going to happen. Sixty-two year old Harrison Ford is returning to the starring role. Sixty-two? I think the new one’s called "Indiana Jones: The Quest for Fiber”.
"Indiana Jones”? Sounds more like "Barnaby Jones” doesn’t it?
In fact, I understand there’s a big chase scene on a Rascal scooter.
Anybody watch the Barbara Walters special last night, "Ten Most Fascinating People”? In her interview last night with Barbara Walters, Paris Hilton said that she reads books. Well that’s pretty amazing for a 23 year old, huh? I understand she reads at a 24 year old level.
Only in California are people impressed that a 23 year old would read a book.
