Friday, December 24, 2004
Leno
The holiday season is full of tradition. My favorite one is when you're driving over to your relatives and you start asking your wife what she bought everyone so you can look like you were somehow involved.
Here's a Christmas shopping tip. A lot of you know this already. When you leave the department store, make sure you have a bag in both hands. This way, you have an excuse for not reaching into your pocket to give a donation to the guy ringing the bell. Makes it easier for you to sneak by. "Sorry, I've got a lot of stuff."
Another holiday tip. You know the best time to mail your Christmas gift? Two weeks ago! You're screwed!
According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy. Roy.
Christmas shopping is a lot easier for President Bush this year. Sure, every year he has fewer allies to buy for. Just get England a little something and then we're fine.
It's a nice day here today, but it's freezing back East. Talk to your parents? It's freezing in Philadelphia. ... It was so cold back East, even some red states turned blue.
Man, are the stores crowded. In fact it was so busy at Wal-Mart, they've had to hire people with green cards.
I sent a christmas gift to Donald Rumsfeld – a pen.
According to the latest Gallup Poll, the majority of Americans want Donald Rumsfeld to step down. Today Regis Philbin said, "Hey, I'll fill in! I'll do it!"
According to the Census Bureau, the most populous state is California, with 35.9 million people. And over a thousand which speak English.
Here's an update on the Robert Blake murder mystery. There's no mystery. He did it! Case closed!
Today in a Christmas message, Martha Stewart called for reforms in sentencing guidelines. She said sentences should be reduced for first-time non-violent offenders ... especially if they're rich, white and can make a kick-ass creme brule.
Nearly 75 percent of elderly Americans approve of the legalization of medical marijuana. And you thought grandpa used to forget stuff before!
Senior citizens smoking dope. How slow are they going to be driving in Florida now?!
The Webster's New World College Dictionary has a new word – "adultescent." Have you heard this word? It's an adult who lives and acts like a child ... or, as women call that - men!
Letterman
It's winter now and I'm getting sort of sluggish and have a cold. The flu is going around. I was out walking through Central Park today and I saw a squirrel putting Vicks VapoRub on its nuts.
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."
Do we have any baseball fans here? A big deal between the Yankees and Dodgers did fall through. The Yankees were supposed to get Randy Johnson. But it did fall through because it turns out Randy Johnson has two mistresses and an illegal nanny.
It was a complicated deal. The Yankees were to get Randy Johnson, and three pitchers were to go to Arizona and I was to go to the "Tonight Show."
You can tell it's Christmas in New York City. Stores are trying to sell off all their expired milk as egg nog.
You know the big tree at Rockefeller Center? I went by there today and the tree was laying by the curb.
The Clintons are getting ready for Christmas up in Chappaqua. It's the same thing every year. Hillary comes down the stairs on Christmas morning to find a surprise under Bill.
Conan
The University of Arkansas has bought the house that Bill Clinton grew up in and plans to make it into a museum. The university has also bought the doghouse that Bill spent most of the '90s in.
The holiday season is full of tradition. My favorite one is when you're driving over to your relatives and you start asking your wife what she bought everyone so you can look like you were somehow involved.
Here's a Christmas shopping tip. A lot of you know this already. When you leave the department store, make sure you have a bag in both hands. This way, you have an excuse for not reaching into your pocket to give a donation to the guy ringing the bell. Makes it easier for you to sneak by. "Sorry, I've got a lot of stuff."
Another holiday tip. You know the best time to mail your Christmas gift? Two weeks ago! You're screwed!
According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy. Roy.
Christmas shopping is a lot easier for President Bush this year. Sure, every year he has fewer allies to buy for. Just get England a little something and then we're fine.
It's a nice day here today, but it's freezing back East. Talk to your parents? It's freezing in Philadelphia. ... It was so cold back East, even some red states turned blue.
Man, are the stores crowded. In fact it was so busy at Wal-Mart, they've had to hire people with green cards.
I sent a christmas gift to Donald Rumsfeld – a pen.
According to the latest Gallup Poll, the majority of Americans want Donald Rumsfeld to step down. Today Regis Philbin said, "Hey, I'll fill in! I'll do it!"
According to the Census Bureau, the most populous state is California, with 35.9 million people. And over a thousand which speak English.
Here's an update on the Robert Blake murder mystery. There's no mystery. He did it! Case closed!
Today in a Christmas message, Martha Stewart called for reforms in sentencing guidelines. She said sentences should be reduced for first-time non-violent offenders ... especially if they're rich, white and can make a kick-ass creme brule.
Nearly 75 percent of elderly Americans approve of the legalization of medical marijuana. And you thought grandpa used to forget stuff before!
Senior citizens smoking dope. How slow are they going to be driving in Florida now?!
The Webster's New World College Dictionary has a new word – "adultescent." Have you heard this word? It's an adult who lives and acts like a child ... or, as women call that - men!
Letterman
It's winter now and I'm getting sort of sluggish and have a cold. The flu is going around. I was out walking through Central Park today and I saw a squirrel putting Vicks VapoRub on its nuts.
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."
Do we have any baseball fans here? A big deal between the Yankees and Dodgers did fall through. The Yankees were supposed to get Randy Johnson. But it did fall through because it turns out Randy Johnson has two mistresses and an illegal nanny.
It was a complicated deal. The Yankees were to get Randy Johnson, and three pitchers were to go to Arizona and I was to go to the "Tonight Show."
You can tell it's Christmas in New York City. Stores are trying to sell off all their expired milk as egg nog.
You know the big tree at Rockefeller Center? I went by there today and the tree was laying by the curb.
The Clintons are getting ready for Christmas up in Chappaqua. It's the same thing every year. Hillary comes down the stairs on Christmas morning to find a surprise under Bill.
Conan
The University of Arkansas has bought the house that Bill Clinton grew up in and plans to make it into a museum. The university has also bought the doghouse that Bill spent most of the '90s in.
