Thursday, December 16, 2004
Leno
Here’s a holiday shopping tip. Here’s what I do and it works pretty good. When you’re buying your Christmas tree, be sure to bring along a pair of scissors, so when you find the perfect tree you can just cut that little tag off that says "sold."
You know, I was Christmas shopping over the weekend and I noticed something. Have you noticed most Americans are now as big as Santa? Santa is now an average-sized guy. Remember when we were kids, Santa was huge? Now he’s smaller than half the people waiting in line.
Retailers are very disappointed in holiday sales this year. Holiday sales are not at all what they wanted them to be. In fact, in Beverly Hills Saks had a sign: "Come back, Winona Ryder. All is forgiven."
You know, the big thing in Hollywood now is a personal shopper. You have a personal shopper do your shopping for you. That way you can focus on what’s important this time of year: Themselves.
President Bush had his annual physical over the weekend. And Dick Cheney had his annual autopsy.
The doctor told Bush his health was A-OK. And Bush told him, "Don’t give me the medical jargon, give it to me in language I can understand."
Bad news: America’s trade deficit swelled to an all-time high of $55.5 billion in October. You know what our biggest export is now? National Guard troops.
Yesterday the jury sentenced Scott Peterson to death. Not only that, they said they think Michael Jackson is guilty as hell, too.
It keeps getting worse for Scott Peterson – today Kobe accused him of making a pass at his wife.
Scott Peterson is on his way to San Quentin. Scott Peterson’s new home will be a 41-square-foot death row cell overlooking the bay. Or, as he tells Amber Frey, "a gated community with a view."
That’s what they said, Scott’s cell has an ocean view. How come death row has the best view? Do the other inmates go, "Who do I have to kill for a view like that?”
Scott Peterson will have 20 years to think about the big mistake: not hiring Johnny Cochran.
But the good news is Scott Peterson is still a young man. In fact, he’s so young he may live long enough to be executed.
According to the latest international study of test scores, America’s 15-year-old boys don’t do nearly as good in math as students in 20 other nations. However, our 15-year-olds do much better with their math teacher.
Hey, Kev? How did Mike Tyson spend his day today? Fighting traffic.
It looks like Mike Tyson is getting more environmentally conscious. Today he beat up a hybrid car.
Regis Philbin will be filling in for Dick Clark this year, hosting the New Year's Eve celebration in Times Square. This could be the first time the crowd will be telling the host: "Will you settle down? ... please ... calm down!"
Letterman
Today I was walking down Fifth Avenue and that apartment building hawk swooped down and snatched my toupee.
It was cold in New York City today. It was so cold that Bernard Kerik was happy to receive heat from his wife.
Are you getting all the cards in the mail? I like Christmas cards. You get the pictures of the kids. Fifteen years ago it was pictures of kids: There’s Larry, there’s Kenny ... but now it’d be nice if you stopped once the kids reached age 38!
Today is the sixth anniversary of Bill Clinton being impeached. I think we can all remember the place we were when Clinton was being impeached. Bill, for example, was in the Oval Office having sex.
Conan
Lots of changes in baseball are being made right now in the off-season. The latest news is that Pedro Martinez will leave the Red Sox for the Mets. When asked why Pedro was going to the Mets, he said, "I’d like to get out of professional baseball."
Mike Tyson is in the news again. Last week Tyson jumped on a hood of a car and started attacking it. Not surprisingly, the car knocked Tyson out in two rounds.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has released their list of the worst-dressed, and Star Jones is at the top. Turns out the one fur coat Star Jones wears eliminated three species.
Here’s a holiday shopping tip. Here’s what I do and it works pretty good. When you’re buying your Christmas tree, be sure to bring along a pair of scissors, so when you find the perfect tree you can just cut that little tag off that says "sold."
You know, I was Christmas shopping over the weekend and I noticed something. Have you noticed most Americans are now as big as Santa? Santa is now an average-sized guy. Remember when we were kids, Santa was huge? Now he’s smaller than half the people waiting in line.
Retailers are very disappointed in holiday sales this year. Holiday sales are not at all what they wanted them to be. In fact, in Beverly Hills Saks had a sign: "Come back, Winona Ryder. All is forgiven."
You know, the big thing in Hollywood now is a personal shopper. You have a personal shopper do your shopping for you. That way you can focus on what’s important this time of year: Themselves.
President Bush had his annual physical over the weekend. And Dick Cheney had his annual autopsy.
The doctor told Bush his health was A-OK. And Bush told him, "Don’t give me the medical jargon, give it to me in language I can understand."
Bad news: America’s trade deficit swelled to an all-time high of $55.5 billion in October. You know what our biggest export is now? National Guard troops.
Yesterday the jury sentenced Scott Peterson to death. Not only that, they said they think Michael Jackson is guilty as hell, too.
It keeps getting worse for Scott Peterson – today Kobe accused him of making a pass at his wife.
Scott Peterson is on his way to San Quentin. Scott Peterson’s new home will be a 41-square-foot death row cell overlooking the bay. Or, as he tells Amber Frey, "a gated community with a view."
That’s what they said, Scott’s cell has an ocean view. How come death row has the best view? Do the other inmates go, "Who do I have to kill for a view like that?”
Scott Peterson will have 20 years to think about the big mistake: not hiring Johnny Cochran.
But the good news is Scott Peterson is still a young man. In fact, he’s so young he may live long enough to be executed.
According to the latest international study of test scores, America’s 15-year-old boys don’t do nearly as good in math as students in 20 other nations. However, our 15-year-olds do much better with their math teacher.
Hey, Kev? How did Mike Tyson spend his day today? Fighting traffic.
It looks like Mike Tyson is getting more environmentally conscious. Today he beat up a hybrid car.
Regis Philbin will be filling in for Dick Clark this year, hosting the New Year's Eve celebration in Times Square. This could be the first time the crowd will be telling the host: "Will you settle down? ... please ... calm down!"
Letterman
Today I was walking down Fifth Avenue and that apartment building hawk swooped down and snatched my toupee.
It was cold in New York City today. It was so cold that Bernard Kerik was happy to receive heat from his wife.
Are you getting all the cards in the mail? I like Christmas cards. You get the pictures of the kids. Fifteen years ago it was pictures of kids: There’s Larry, there’s Kenny ... but now it’d be nice if you stopped once the kids reached age 38!
Today is the sixth anniversary of Bill Clinton being impeached. I think we can all remember the place we were when Clinton was being impeached. Bill, for example, was in the Oval Office having sex.
Conan
Lots of changes in baseball are being made right now in the off-season. The latest news is that Pedro Martinez will leave the Red Sox for the Mets. When asked why Pedro was going to the Mets, he said, "I’d like to get out of professional baseball."
Mike Tyson is in the news again. Last week Tyson jumped on a hood of a car and started attacking it. Not surprisingly, the car knocked Tyson out in two rounds.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has released their list of the worst-dressed, and Star Jones is at the top. Turns out the one fur coat Star Jones wears eliminated three species.
