Saturday, December 18, 2004
Leno
Happy holidays, everyone. Here’s a little tip: This is the time of year the mailman appreciates getting a little something extra. At least that’s what Karl Malone told Kobe’s wife.
I tell ya, this Kobe Bryant-Karl Malone thing keeps getting uglier and uglier. Now Kobe claims Karl tried to kiss his wife. Kobe says he has proof. It looks like Karl left some Super PoliGrip on his wife’s blouse!
Anybody have this problem? My tree’s only been up a week and it’s already completely dried out. There’s needles everywhere – my living room looks like the floor of a Major League locker room ...
It looks like Major League Baseball is finally going to adopt a tougher steroid policy. Starting this season, they’re going to cut off steroid use after the seventh inning.
Senator John McCain says he’s worried that steroid abuse in professional sports will spill over into the fans using them. Isn’t that a good thing? Fans on steroids? At least that way, then when athletes go into the stands to beat them up they can defend themselves.
There is good news for Major League Baseball - they said attendance grew 5 percent last year and Barry Bonds grew 30 percent.
I’m starting to have my suspicions about Barry Bonds. He went bowling today and rolled a 400.
According to the New York Daily News, the White House has 41 Christmas trees up this year. Forty-one trees. One for each of the red states!
President Bush was asked today if he has a plan to make the U.S. dollar stronger, and President Bush said, "We’re thinking maybe two-ply."
The Bush administration is sponsoring a two-day economic summit in Washington, D.C., and one of the panels is focusing on "jobs in the 21st century." Of course, that panel is meeting in India.
A new study says that moving to the United States can make you obese. They say only 8 percent of immigrants are obese when they come to the U.S., but after staying a while, 19 percent are obese. In fact, that’s why illegal immigrants stay here. After they’ve been here a while, they’re too fat to fit back through that hole in the fence.
Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn’t know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!
When police got there, they said Whitney was wandering around dazed and confused, so they knew she was OK.
Martha Stewart is telling people that they can’t imagine how hard it is during the holidays to be a woman in prison. And today Scott Peterson said, "Tell me about it."
As you know, Scott Peterson got the death sentence. So our electric bills may be a little higher here in California, but at least it’s all going to a good cause.
Letterman
Last night we had an ugly audience. About halfway through the show they tried to get me to eat Ukrainian soup.
Are you in the holiday spirit? It’s exciting. Just this morning I hailed a cab and a nice man got out, he got the door for me and he put all my packages in the trunk – and then he drove off, leaving me standing there!
Due to security issues, you can no longer have cameras in the subway. Well, that’s a big problem. How many times have you been on the subway and thought, "If only I could capture this scenery on film?"
How about Bernard Kerik? I think he would have been a great secretary. He was going to be the secretary of Homeland Security. Then he had three wives and two mistresses. He’s used to fighting terrorism!
Even though Kerik has some troubles, he’s still in the holiday spirit. Today he went Caroling ... then Michelling and later he’s going Racheling.
Conan
Tonight was the finale to "The Apprentice." It was three hours long. Donald Trump said he was nervous because it aired live. The last time he did something live, his hair got scared of the lights, jumped off his head and ran away.
Happy holidays, everyone. Here’s a little tip: This is the time of year the mailman appreciates getting a little something extra. At least that’s what Karl Malone told Kobe’s wife.
I tell ya, this Kobe Bryant-Karl Malone thing keeps getting uglier and uglier. Now Kobe claims Karl tried to kiss his wife. Kobe says he has proof. It looks like Karl left some Super PoliGrip on his wife’s blouse!
Anybody have this problem? My tree’s only been up a week and it’s already completely dried out. There’s needles everywhere – my living room looks like the floor of a Major League locker room ...
It looks like Major League Baseball is finally going to adopt a tougher steroid policy. Starting this season, they’re going to cut off steroid use after the seventh inning.
Senator John McCain says he’s worried that steroid abuse in professional sports will spill over into the fans using them. Isn’t that a good thing? Fans on steroids? At least that way, then when athletes go into the stands to beat them up they can defend themselves.
There is good news for Major League Baseball - they said attendance grew 5 percent last year and Barry Bonds grew 30 percent.
I’m starting to have my suspicions about Barry Bonds. He went bowling today and rolled a 400.
According to the New York Daily News, the White House has 41 Christmas trees up this year. Forty-one trees. One for each of the red states!
President Bush was asked today if he has a plan to make the U.S. dollar stronger, and President Bush said, "We’re thinking maybe two-ply."
The Bush administration is sponsoring a two-day economic summit in Washington, D.C., and one of the panels is focusing on "jobs in the 21st century." Of course, that panel is meeting in India.
A new study says that moving to the United States can make you obese. They say only 8 percent of immigrants are obese when they come to the U.S., but after staying a while, 19 percent are obese. In fact, that’s why illegal immigrants stay here. After they’ve been here a while, they’re too fat to fit back through that hole in the fence.
Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn’t know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!
When police got there, they said Whitney was wandering around dazed and confused, so they knew she was OK.
Martha Stewart is telling people that they can’t imagine how hard it is during the holidays to be a woman in prison. And today Scott Peterson said, "Tell me about it."
As you know, Scott Peterson got the death sentence. So our electric bills may be a little higher here in California, but at least it’s all going to a good cause.
Letterman
Last night we had an ugly audience. About halfway through the show they tried to get me to eat Ukrainian soup.
Are you in the holiday spirit? It’s exciting. Just this morning I hailed a cab and a nice man got out, he got the door for me and he put all my packages in the trunk – and then he drove off, leaving me standing there!
Due to security issues, you can no longer have cameras in the subway. Well, that’s a big problem. How many times have you been on the subway and thought, "If only I could capture this scenery on film?"
How about Bernard Kerik? I think he would have been a great secretary. He was going to be the secretary of Homeland Security. Then he had three wives and two mistresses. He’s used to fighting terrorism!
Even though Kerik has some troubles, he’s still in the holiday spirit. Today he went Caroling ... then Michelling and later he’s going Racheling.
Conan
Tonight was the finale to "The Apprentice." It was three hours long. Donald Trump said he was nervous because it aired live. The last time he did something live, his hair got scared of the lights, jumped off his head and ran away.
