Friday, December 17, 2004
Leno
Experts say that during the holidays jury verdicts tend to be more lenient. What would Scott Peterson have got otherwise, then? Death by rats in a sewer?!
As you know, Scott Peterson has been sentenced to death. Isn’t it nice, after all the talk about steroids in baseball, that we’re all happy about someone being injected?
Scott Peterson did get a call from the governor today. He said, "Hasta la vista, baby!"
Peterson could be on death row for a long time, maybe 20 years even. It’s so slow that the guy next to him was the guy that stole the Lindberg baby.
President Bush had his annual exam over the weekend. He’s good, but the doctors said that he should look out for his colon. Bush replied, "Oh don’t worry about that, he’s already gone."
The president’s daughter Jenna, the blonde one, is going to be a teacher in Washington, D.C. She’s going to be an English teacher. In a related story, Dick Cheney’s daughter is going to teach phys ed.
America’s trade deficit reached a record high in October. Now at $55 billion. Do you realize that the only product left that's made in America is steroids?
Athletes use steroids to make their muscles bigger. Doctors also say that steroids cause the testicles to shrink. That has to be embarrassing if you’re a baseball player, don’t it? In your uniform you look like a major leaguer. Out of it you look like a little leaguer!
Bad night for the Lakers last night. They lost. And then when Kobe called home, Karl Malone answered.
More schools are now teaching children Chinese. Hey, I took Chinese when I was in high school. It was called algebra then.
Harrison Ford is going to star in another "Indiana Jones" movie at age 62. Sixty-two years old. There’s one exciting moment in the movie where he claps and the lights turn on.
Letterman
It was cold today! It was so cold that the Bush twins switched their margaritas for Irish coffee.
It was so cold that Paris Hilton made a video with her clothes on!
When it’s cold like this, I don’t know what to do when I’m in the cab. Do I roll the window up to stay warm? Or do I roll it down to air out the driver?
Dick Clark won’t be hosting the "New Year's Rockin’ Eve" on ABC this year. He had a mild stroke earlier this month. He’s OK, but apparently not well enough to host a TV show out in the cold. Instead Regis [Philbin] is going to host the show – that’s assuming that there’s no problems with his nanny.
Do you remember Chemical Ali? We caught him and now he’s on trial. He doesn’t have a very good alibi, though. He says he was out fishing with Scott Peterson.
Experts say that during the holidays jury verdicts tend to be more lenient. What would Scott Peterson have got otherwise, then? Death by rats in a sewer?!
As you know, Scott Peterson has been sentenced to death. Isn’t it nice, after all the talk about steroids in baseball, that we’re all happy about someone being injected?
Scott Peterson did get a call from the governor today. He said, "Hasta la vista, baby!"
Peterson could be on death row for a long time, maybe 20 years even. It’s so slow that the guy next to him was the guy that stole the Lindberg baby.
President Bush had his annual exam over the weekend. He’s good, but the doctors said that he should look out for his colon. Bush replied, "Oh don’t worry about that, he’s already gone."
The president’s daughter Jenna, the blonde one, is going to be a teacher in Washington, D.C. She’s going to be an English teacher. In a related story, Dick Cheney’s daughter is going to teach phys ed.
America’s trade deficit reached a record high in October. Now at $55 billion. Do you realize that the only product left that's made in America is steroids?
Athletes use steroids to make their muscles bigger. Doctors also say that steroids cause the testicles to shrink. That has to be embarrassing if you’re a baseball player, don’t it? In your uniform you look like a major leaguer. Out of it you look like a little leaguer!
Bad night for the Lakers last night. They lost. And then when Kobe called home, Karl Malone answered.
More schools are now teaching children Chinese. Hey, I took Chinese when I was in high school. It was called algebra then.
Harrison Ford is going to star in another "Indiana Jones" movie at age 62. Sixty-two years old. There’s one exciting moment in the movie where he claps and the lights turn on.
Letterman
It was cold today! It was so cold that the Bush twins switched their margaritas for Irish coffee.
It was so cold that Paris Hilton made a video with her clothes on!
When it’s cold like this, I don’t know what to do when I’m in the cab. Do I roll the window up to stay warm? Or do I roll it down to air out the driver?
Dick Clark won’t be hosting the "New Year's Rockin’ Eve" on ABC this year. He had a mild stroke earlier this month. He’s OK, but apparently not well enough to host a TV show out in the cold. Instead Regis [Philbin] is going to host the show – that’s assuming that there’s no problems with his nanny.
Do you remember Chemical Ali? We caught him and now he’s on trial. He doesn’t have a very good alibi, though. He says he was out fishing with Scott Peterson.
