Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Leno
Congratulations to President Bush. He has been named Time magazine’s person of the year. Of course when President Bush heard the news, he was stunned. He said, "I don’t even subscribe to Time magazine."
I still don’t think Bush gets it. Like today he kept asking people, "So where’s Ed McMahon with my big check?"
In a related story, Senator John Kerry was given a free copy of Entertainment Weekly.
How many people like catalog shopping? Do you like to do that? Did you know this? A lot of times when you call in they have prison inmates answering phone. A lot of companies do that. So that means if you order from Martha Stewart Living.com, the person you’re talking to could actually be Martha Stewart.
Macy’s department stores have ordered their workers to say "Happy Holidays," not "Merry Christmas," so as not to offend people who might be atheists or other religions. Not only that, you know that classic movie "Miracle on 34th Street"? Now they have to call it "Coincidence on 34th Street."
It’s December 20, which means exactly five days from now kids all over Los Angeles will be visited by the older man who visits once a year bearing gifts: their divorced father.
Here’s something, I thought this was really nice. About 140 U.S. soldiers wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan got front row seats to the Dallas Mavericks game over the weekend. In a related story, prisoners from Guantanamo Bay will get front row seats for the New Orleans Hornets game.
Here’s the latest on retirees and Social Security: Donald Rumsfeld is about to start collecting it.
The big question is, who will be the next Homeland Security chief? President Bush’s nominee Bernard Kerik, of course, had to withdraw his name because questions arose over a former nanny’s immigration status. Apparently she was working here illegally. And today Wal-Mart said, "So?"
Tomorrow is the official change of seasons – it’s the day we go from the Scott Peterson trial to the Robert Blake trial.
As you know, things are not looking good for Scott Peterson. His future is now worse than an NBC program executive's.
As you know, Scott Peterson is now on death row. So let’s see how he likes being married to a psychotic killer, for a change.
Mexico has launched a million-dollar ad campaign to encourage Mexicans in the United States to come back to Mexico on vacation. I love their slogan: "The hole in the fence goes both ways."
That shows you how non-threatening our Border Patrol is. People who are here illegally can sneak in, go home for a vacation if they like, and then just sneak back in again.
The Kia Spectra was recently given the insurance industry’s lowest safety rating in a crash test for any car since 2001. In a 40-mile-an-hour frontal crash, the crash-test dummy's head, chest and legs were all crushed. I’m stunned. A Kia can hit 40 miles an hour?
A German researcher says that for eight years before he became chancellor of Germany, Adolph Hitler never paid taxes. Paid no taxes at all. Well, that sure changes my opinion of that guy.
The American Medical Association says that sweet-flavored alcoholic beverages are luring more and more teenagers into drinking. They say 31 percent of teens have drunk these beverages - and the alcohol industry is disturbed by this. They were shooting for at least 50 percent. "That’s all? With all the advertising we do, we only hit 31 percent?!"
Letterman
You sound like I’m up for Time person of the year!
I was on the list for person of the year. I was right in between Bernard Kerik and Chemical Ali.
Are you cold? It was cold in New York City today. We’re under a cold wave or a cold snap, something. Here’s an idea of how cold it was today. I was up on Park Avenue and I saw a poodle that had to be chiseled off a fire hydrant.
It was so cold out that the hookers were handing out flannel condoms.
It was so cold that Bernard Kerik was happy to be in hot water.
Republican senators are urging Donald Rumsfeld to resign. When Rumsfeld out who was behind everything, he found them, stripped the down, put them on a leash and is now parading them around naked.
CBS is considering Katie Couric to replace Dan Rather on the CBS Evening News. That’s a bombshell. Who would leave a successful show on NBC for something on CBS?
Congratulations to President Bush. He has been named Time magazine’s person of the year. Of course when President Bush heard the news, he was stunned. He said, "I don’t even subscribe to Time magazine."
I still don’t think Bush gets it. Like today he kept asking people, "So where’s Ed McMahon with my big check?"
In a related story, Senator John Kerry was given a free copy of Entertainment Weekly.
How many people like catalog shopping? Do you like to do that? Did you know this? A lot of times when you call in they have prison inmates answering phone. A lot of companies do that. So that means if you order from Martha Stewart Living.com, the person you’re talking to could actually be Martha Stewart.
Macy’s department stores have ordered their workers to say "Happy Holidays," not "Merry Christmas," so as not to offend people who might be atheists or other religions. Not only that, you know that classic movie "Miracle on 34th Street"? Now they have to call it "Coincidence on 34th Street."
It’s December 20, which means exactly five days from now kids all over Los Angeles will be visited by the older man who visits once a year bearing gifts: their divorced father.
Here’s something, I thought this was really nice. About 140 U.S. soldiers wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan got front row seats to the Dallas Mavericks game over the weekend. In a related story, prisoners from Guantanamo Bay will get front row seats for the New Orleans Hornets game.
Here’s the latest on retirees and Social Security: Donald Rumsfeld is about to start collecting it.
The big question is, who will be the next Homeland Security chief? President Bush’s nominee Bernard Kerik, of course, had to withdraw his name because questions arose over a former nanny’s immigration status. Apparently she was working here illegally. And today Wal-Mart said, "So?"
Tomorrow is the official change of seasons – it’s the day we go from the Scott Peterson trial to the Robert Blake trial.
As you know, things are not looking good for Scott Peterson. His future is now worse than an NBC program executive's.
As you know, Scott Peterson is now on death row. So let’s see how he likes being married to a psychotic killer, for a change.
Mexico has launched a million-dollar ad campaign to encourage Mexicans in the United States to come back to Mexico on vacation. I love their slogan: "The hole in the fence goes both ways."
That shows you how non-threatening our Border Patrol is. People who are here illegally can sneak in, go home for a vacation if they like, and then just sneak back in again.
The Kia Spectra was recently given the insurance industry’s lowest safety rating in a crash test for any car since 2001. In a 40-mile-an-hour frontal crash, the crash-test dummy's head, chest and legs were all crushed. I’m stunned. A Kia can hit 40 miles an hour?
A German researcher says that for eight years before he became chancellor of Germany, Adolph Hitler never paid taxes. Paid no taxes at all. Well, that sure changes my opinion of that guy.
The American Medical Association says that sweet-flavored alcoholic beverages are luring more and more teenagers into drinking. They say 31 percent of teens have drunk these beverages - and the alcohol industry is disturbed by this. They were shooting for at least 50 percent. "That’s all? With all the advertising we do, we only hit 31 percent?!"
Letterman
You sound like I’m up for Time person of the year!
I was on the list for person of the year. I was right in between Bernard Kerik and Chemical Ali.
Are you cold? It was cold in New York City today. We’re under a cold wave or a cold snap, something. Here’s an idea of how cold it was today. I was up on Park Avenue and I saw a poodle that had to be chiseled off a fire hydrant.
It was so cold out that the hookers were handing out flannel condoms.
It was so cold that Bernard Kerik was happy to be in hot water.
Republican senators are urging Donald Rumsfeld to resign. When Rumsfeld out who was behind everything, he found them, stripped the down, put them on a leash and is now parading them around naked.
CBS is considering Katie Couric to replace Dan Rather on the CBS Evening News. That’s a bombshell. Who would leave a successful show on NBC for something on CBS?
