Friday, November 19, 2004
Leno
Two White House turkeys were given a presidential pardon today ... and afterward Scott Peterson said, "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
Today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. You know what happens to the turkeys that are pardoned every year? They are released to a farm to live out the rest of their lives. At least that’s what they tell President Bush.
The Butterball Turkey hotline is up and running. The top three questions they’re getting this year are Number 3, How do I thaw a turkey? Number 2, How long should I cook a turkey? And the most asked question: What the hell drug is Anna Nicole Smith on?
Hey, how many watched that new reality show last night – "I'm a Cabinet member ... get me out of here!"
I tell ya, it's really getting crazy. Today one of the Bush daughters resigned.
Colin Powell said today no one should be surprised he’s leaving. He said that throughout his first term he had always told President Bush that he thought he would only serve one term. And Bush said, "Hey, me too."
Here’s an interesting story - 43 Cubans who have been performing in a Las Vegas showroom are seeking asylum in the U.S. They wound up in Vegas. Boy, how far off course was that raft?
Forty-three Cubans want to defect ... not one shortstop. Just our luck.
NASA set a world speed record with an unmanned jet that traveled 7,000 miles an hour, ten times the speed of sound. They think this technology will one day be used for commercial flight. Imagine flying ten times the speed of sound. Of course, that means now all your relatives and in-laws are just a few minutes away.
The government issued a safety recall today on 800,000 Bowflex exercise machines. The good news: No one was hurt, because no one ever actually used a Bowflex.
Discount retailer Kmart has announced plans to join forces with Sears. Their goal: to create the crappiest department store ever!
The total value of the deal: $125.
Kmart buying Sears. So, soon Martha Stewart products will be sold in two stores she wouldn’t be caught dead in.
Letterman
How about "Playboy"? In their next issue they’re having a naked pictorial of McDonald’s employees. How many times have you had a Big Mac and said gee this is good but I’d rather see the employees naked?!
Here’s an important announcement. President Bush says there will be no nuclear waste being buried in Nevada. We now need a new site and it will be in a blue state.
President Bush went to pardon a turkey today for Thanksgiving, but the turkey resigned first.
President Bush won the election but now everyone is resigning. Today the Bush twins left and were replaced by the Hilton sisters.
Conan
Star Jones got married. Earlier today Star Jones and her new husband left on their honeymoon. They’re spending it in the Middle East. In a related story, Osama bin Laden has surrendered.
Two White House turkeys were given a presidential pardon today ... and afterward Scott Peterson said, "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
Today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. You know what happens to the turkeys that are pardoned every year? They are released to a farm to live out the rest of their lives. At least that’s what they tell President Bush.
The Butterball Turkey hotline is up and running. The top three questions they’re getting this year are Number 3, How do I thaw a turkey? Number 2, How long should I cook a turkey? And the most asked question: What the hell drug is Anna Nicole Smith on?
Hey, how many watched that new reality show last night – "I'm a Cabinet member ... get me out of here!"
I tell ya, it's really getting crazy. Today one of the Bush daughters resigned.
Colin Powell said today no one should be surprised he’s leaving. He said that throughout his first term he had always told President Bush that he thought he would only serve one term. And Bush said, "Hey, me too."
Here’s an interesting story - 43 Cubans who have been performing in a Las Vegas showroom are seeking asylum in the U.S. They wound up in Vegas. Boy, how far off course was that raft?
Forty-three Cubans want to defect ... not one shortstop. Just our luck.
NASA set a world speed record with an unmanned jet that traveled 7,000 miles an hour, ten times the speed of sound. They think this technology will one day be used for commercial flight. Imagine flying ten times the speed of sound. Of course, that means now all your relatives and in-laws are just a few minutes away.
The government issued a safety recall today on 800,000 Bowflex exercise machines. The good news: No one was hurt, because no one ever actually used a Bowflex.
Discount retailer Kmart has announced plans to join forces with Sears. Their goal: to create the crappiest department store ever!
The total value of the deal: $125.
Kmart buying Sears. So, soon Martha Stewart products will be sold in two stores she wouldn’t be caught dead in.
Letterman
How about "Playboy"? In their next issue they’re having a naked pictorial of McDonald’s employees. How many times have you had a Big Mac and said gee this is good but I’d rather see the employees naked?!
Here’s an important announcement. President Bush says there will be no nuclear waste being buried in Nevada. We now need a new site and it will be in a blue state.
President Bush went to pardon a turkey today for Thanksgiving, but the turkey resigned first.
President Bush won the election but now everyone is resigning. Today the Bush twins left and were replaced by the Hilton sisters.
Conan
Star Jones got married. Earlier today Star Jones and her new husband left on their honeymoon. They’re spending it in the Middle East. In a related story, Osama bin Laden has surrendered.
