Friday, November 12, 2004
Leno
John Kerry is considering running again in 2008. Well, then again, he could change his mind.
As you’ve heard, Attorney General John Ashcroft has stepped down. He wants to spend more time not dancing with his wife.
Commerce Secretary Don Evans resigned. Actually he didn’t want to, but when your country has no commerce, there isn’t much to do.
Yasser’s wife claims he’s fine. She spent the entire day yesterday standing on his oxygen hose wondering where the money was.
Madonna said today that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq. Donald Rumsfeld said, "No, I think we'd better wait and hear what Britney Spears has to say about it first."
Saddam Hussein says that he doesn’t want to be tried by the Iraqi people. He wants to be tried by the Scott Peterson jury.
Letterman
It’s been cold here! It was so cold in New York City today, the "Polar Express" was here!
Yasser Arafat is not dead, but he may not be well enough to attend his funeral.
They say Arafat is technically alive – sort of like my chances of hosting the Academy Awards again.
Do you remember the Super Bowl and the half-time thing where Janet Jackson dropped her deal? CBS has been fined $500,000 for that. That’s the most money CBS has paid for a boob since they hired me!
Conan
Martha Stewart is back in the news. She wants her company to reimburse her for her $4 million legal bills. Martha explained that the money isn’t just for her, because she also has a wife now.
Ralph Nader is asking for a recount of all the votes in New Hampshire. Today an election official in New Hampshire agreed to the recount and said, "One, two ... yup, that’s it."
John Kerry is considering running again in 2008. Well, then again, he could change his mind.
As you’ve heard, Attorney General John Ashcroft has stepped down. He wants to spend more time not dancing with his wife.
Commerce Secretary Don Evans resigned. Actually he didn’t want to, but when your country has no commerce, there isn’t much to do.
Yasser’s wife claims he’s fine. She spent the entire day yesterday standing on his oxygen hose wondering where the money was.
Madonna said today that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq. Donald Rumsfeld said, "No, I think we'd better wait and hear what Britney Spears has to say about it first."
Saddam Hussein says that he doesn’t want to be tried by the Iraqi people. He wants to be tried by the Scott Peterson jury.
Letterman
It’s been cold here! It was so cold in New York City today, the "Polar Express" was here!
Yasser Arafat is not dead, but he may not be well enough to attend his funeral.
They say Arafat is technically alive – sort of like my chances of hosting the Academy Awards again.
Do you remember the Super Bowl and the half-time thing where Janet Jackson dropped her deal? CBS has been fined $500,000 for that. That’s the most money CBS has paid for a boob since they hired me!
Conan
Martha Stewart is back in the news. She wants her company to reimburse her for her $4 million legal bills. Martha explained that the money isn’t just for her, because she also has a wife now.
Ralph Nader is asking for a recount of all the votes in New Hampshire. Today an election official in New Hampshire agreed to the recount and said, "One, two ... yup, that’s it."
