Saturday, November 13, 2004
Leno
In fact, Arafat’s wife was seen grieving today in the West Bank. She was also in the Citibank, the Mellon Bank, the Wells Fargo Bank ...
That’s all that was in the news today. Palestinian officials said today that Arafat’s body would be transported in a bulletproof container. You don’t want to shoot a dead guy.
What a crowd! You sound like Yasser Arafat’s wife after she heard he had a billon dollars stashed away.
As I’m sure you know by now, Yasser Afafat died last night. And this time it looks pretty permanent.
How many times did he die this week? Like five? Six? He was turning into Kenny on "South Park." "Oh, he’s dead again! Oh, he’s back! Oh, he’s dead again!"
Arafat was in the hospital in Paris for over three weeks. His dying wish – for the bill to be sent to the Israelis.
President Bush said today that the United States. Would be more than willing to help the Palestinians establish their own state ... as long as it’s red. As long as it’s a red state.
I tell you, first Ashcroft retires, now Arafat dies ... this has not been a good week for religious radicals.
Here’s some good news. It looks like we’re making quick progress over there in Iraq: Today in Fallujah, they banned gay marriage.
Fallujah is 70 percent under control. To put that into perspective, L.A. is only 60 percent.
Here’s my question: The women of Fallujah, are they called "Fallusies"? How does that work?
I’m very excited – our audience tonight is made up entirely of former Scott Peterson jurors.
The Vatican has agreed to look into the Inquisition. What was that, 700 years ago? Yeah, let me know if you find any eyewitnesses.
So, I guess that means the Vatican will be checking into that priest scandal sometime in the year 2704.
Charles Manson had a birthday today ... he turned 70. Manson’s getting pretty old. He now needs a Miracle Ear to hear the voices in his head! Remember the swastika on his forehead? It’s now slipped down to his chin.
We’re getting more details on the $100 million lawsuit by Liza Minelli’s bodyguard. He claims she paid him $238,000 year, forced him to have sex with her, and she beat him up. I don’t know what’s more humiliating - being forced to have sex with Liza or having to testify under oath she beat you up.
Letterman
This weekend I have a lot to do. One, I can go to the Star Jones wedding or two, I can go to the Arafat funeral.
Yasser Arafat is now dead. Damn, just when the peace process was going so well.
Now that Yasser is dead, his wife now takes the title of least-attractive Arafat.
Many world leaders called Mrs. Arafat to offer their condolences. For example, Vladmir Putin called, Tony Blair called ... and Bill O’Reilly called to see what she was wearing.
In fact, Arafat’s wife was seen grieving today in the West Bank. She was also in the Citibank, the Mellon Bank, the Wells Fargo Bank ...
That’s all that was in the news today. Palestinian officials said today that Arafat’s body would be transported in a bulletproof container. You don’t want to shoot a dead guy.
What a crowd! You sound like Yasser Arafat’s wife after she heard he had a billon dollars stashed away.
As I’m sure you know by now, Yasser Afafat died last night. And this time it looks pretty permanent.
How many times did he die this week? Like five? Six? He was turning into Kenny on "South Park." "Oh, he’s dead again! Oh, he’s back! Oh, he’s dead again!"
Arafat was in the hospital in Paris for over three weeks. His dying wish – for the bill to be sent to the Israelis.
President Bush said today that the United States. Would be more than willing to help the Palestinians establish their own state ... as long as it’s red. As long as it’s a red state.
I tell you, first Ashcroft retires, now Arafat dies ... this has not been a good week for religious radicals.
Here’s some good news. It looks like we’re making quick progress over there in Iraq: Today in Fallujah, they banned gay marriage.
Fallujah is 70 percent under control. To put that into perspective, L.A. is only 60 percent.
Here’s my question: The women of Fallujah, are they called "Fallusies"? How does that work?
I’m very excited – our audience tonight is made up entirely of former Scott Peterson jurors.
The Vatican has agreed to look into the Inquisition. What was that, 700 years ago? Yeah, let me know if you find any eyewitnesses.
So, I guess that means the Vatican will be checking into that priest scandal sometime in the year 2704.
Charles Manson had a birthday today ... he turned 70. Manson’s getting pretty old. He now needs a Miracle Ear to hear the voices in his head! Remember the swastika on his forehead? It’s now slipped down to his chin.
We’re getting more details on the $100 million lawsuit by Liza Minelli’s bodyguard. He claims she paid him $238,000 year, forced him to have sex with her, and she beat him up. I don’t know what’s more humiliating - being forced to have sex with Liza or having to testify under oath she beat you up.
Letterman
This weekend I have a lot to do. One, I can go to the Star Jones wedding or two, I can go to the Arafat funeral.
Yasser Arafat is now dead. Damn, just when the peace process was going so well.
Now that Yasser is dead, his wife now takes the title of least-attractive Arafat.
Many world leaders called Mrs. Arafat to offer their condolences. For example, Vladmir Putin called, Tony Blair called ... and Bill O’Reilly called to see what she was wearing.
