Saturday, November 27, 2004
Leno
I’m sure you heard about this - the Republicans have won yet another seat: Dan Rather’s! He’s leaving CBS.
In fact, when Dan Rather announced he was leaving, President Bush said, "I didn't even know he was in my Cabinet."
Dan Rather said stepping down was the hardest thing he ever had to announce in his career. Actually, the second-hardest. The hardest thing he had to announce? Bush being re-elected.
Dan Rather said today that his decision to retire has nothing to do with the controversy over those fake National Guard documents. That’s kind of like Yasser Arafat saying his decision to step down had nothing to do with him dying.
George Bush said today he was very sorry to hear that Dan Rather was leaving and then he said, "By the way Dan, those National Guard documents ... they were real!"
Boy, there’s a lot of changes in the nightly newscasts. Tom Brokaw stepping down. Dan Rather stepping down. Soon the most trusted man in television could wind up being Geraldo Rivera.
I had a horrible nightmare last night. You ever have one of those where you wake up sweating and shaking? I dreamed it was nickel beer night at the Detroit Pistons game.
The Pacers played the Celtics last night and won. Actually, they hit 40 percent of their shots and 20 percent of their fans.
The Pacers easily beat the Celtics – and that’s my hometown, so I feel bad – 106 to 96. Which is embarrassing for Boston. Indiana has lost so many stars they were down to using the white guys.
It turns out that the Detroit Pistons fan who allegedly threw that beer at Ron Artest was on probation for a DUI ... he has a police record that also includes assault, fraud and carrying a concealed weapon. This guy shouldn’t have been in the stands at an NBA game - he should’ve been on the court.
Because of his actions, the Pistons are revoking the guy’s season tickets. Hey, if they really want to punish him, they should give him season tickets to see the Chicago Bulls. That’ll teach him a lesson.
Kobe Bryant commented on the situation today. He was very upset. He said that "you should never attack a fan until you get back to the hotel."
This is really awful, don’t you think? Players attacking fans. I liked it better in old days when players would just choke the coach. What happened to those days?
Ron Artest said in a radio interview that he feels that his season-long suspension is too harsh of a punishment. He thought it was too harsh getting suspended for the whole season. And today Scott Peterson said, "I’ll take it!"
I tell you, I’m on the Atkins diet this year. This Thanksgiving, I’m serving 18 pounds of bacon in the shape of a turkey. It’s healthier.
They say a record number of Americans will deep-fry their turkeys this year. You know the hardest part about deep-frying the turkey? Keeping it separate in the fryer from the doughnuts and the onion rings. Then you get the doughnut smell on the skin.
The U.S. Postal Service is reportedly considering raising the price of a stamp. Right now a stamp is 37-cents, and they’re doing a study to see if there’s an even more annoying amount. Like 43 cents. Then you’ll need a quarter, a dime, a nickel and three pennies.
Some sad news here at NBC. The show "LAX" has been canceled. Actually, we don’t use the word "canceled." They said the show departed ahead of schedule.
It was kind of cruel how they told the cast and crew. They walked on the set and said, "The exits are located here, here and here."
Clay Aiken is doing a Christmas special for NBC. In a touching scene, he helps the poor and unfortunate: Justin Guarini.
Michael Jackson’s brother Jermaine Jackson has filed for divorce from his wife. Here’s the odd part: Michael has asked for custody of the children.
Letterman
Dan Rather is going to retire in May. He is stepping down after 24 years. That makes it official – I’m now the weirdest guy on CBS!
Don’t worry about Dan. In 2009 he takes over for Jay Leno.
How about Oprah Winfrey? On Monday everybody in her audience received $15,000 in free gifts. What’s the matter ... did you run out of cars, you cheapskate?!
Did you hear about this guy in Maine? He was driving a truck, but naked. He drove through three towns naked, in the wrong direction, and was speeding before crashing into a police car. Driving naked, the wrong way and speeding. Basically, this guy is me without a show.
New York Governor George Pataki might be the next director of Homeland Security. He’s at home right now memorizing the color chart.
President Bush has asked for a 50 percent increase in the number of spies and intelligence at the CIA. Apparently he’s not getting enough memos to ignore.
Martha Stewart has been in prison now for seven weeks. She’ll be spending Thanksgiving in prison instead of with family. Some people have all the luck!
Conan
Ron Artest has been giving a lot of interviews since it was announced he’s been suspended from the NBA. He’s been spending his free time promoting his new rap CD. It’s the perfect holiday gift to hit someone over the head with.
There was a jewel robbery at Ozzy Osbourne’s house. Police say it may have been an inside job. When Ozzy heard this, he became upset and asked, "Was it me?!" He then fell down and slept for nine days.
A 72-year-old great-grandma that works in the CIA is heading to Iraq. When asked about going to Iraq, the grandma said, "It’s been a long time since I’ve been to Mesopotamia."
I’m sure you heard about this - the Republicans have won yet another seat: Dan Rather’s! He’s leaving CBS.
In fact, when Dan Rather announced he was leaving, President Bush said, "I didn't even know he was in my Cabinet."
Dan Rather said stepping down was the hardest thing he ever had to announce in his career. Actually, the second-hardest. The hardest thing he had to announce? Bush being re-elected.
Dan Rather said today that his decision to retire has nothing to do with the controversy over those fake National Guard documents. That’s kind of like Yasser Arafat saying his decision to step down had nothing to do with him dying.
George Bush said today he was very sorry to hear that Dan Rather was leaving and then he said, "By the way Dan, those National Guard documents ... they were real!"
Boy, there’s a lot of changes in the nightly newscasts. Tom Brokaw stepping down. Dan Rather stepping down. Soon the most trusted man in television could wind up being Geraldo Rivera.
I had a horrible nightmare last night. You ever have one of those where you wake up sweating and shaking? I dreamed it was nickel beer night at the Detroit Pistons game.
The Pacers played the Celtics last night and won. Actually, they hit 40 percent of their shots and 20 percent of their fans.
The Pacers easily beat the Celtics – and that’s my hometown, so I feel bad – 106 to 96. Which is embarrassing for Boston. Indiana has lost so many stars they were down to using the white guys.
It turns out that the Detroit Pistons fan who allegedly threw that beer at Ron Artest was on probation for a DUI ... he has a police record that also includes assault, fraud and carrying a concealed weapon. This guy shouldn’t have been in the stands at an NBA game - he should’ve been on the court.
Because of his actions, the Pistons are revoking the guy’s season tickets. Hey, if they really want to punish him, they should give him season tickets to see the Chicago Bulls. That’ll teach him a lesson.
Kobe Bryant commented on the situation today. He was very upset. He said that "you should never attack a fan until you get back to the hotel."
This is really awful, don’t you think? Players attacking fans. I liked it better in old days when players would just choke the coach. What happened to those days?
Ron Artest said in a radio interview that he feels that his season-long suspension is too harsh of a punishment. He thought it was too harsh getting suspended for the whole season. And today Scott Peterson said, "I’ll take it!"
I tell you, I’m on the Atkins diet this year. This Thanksgiving, I’m serving 18 pounds of bacon in the shape of a turkey. It’s healthier.
They say a record number of Americans will deep-fry their turkeys this year. You know the hardest part about deep-frying the turkey? Keeping it separate in the fryer from the doughnuts and the onion rings. Then you get the doughnut smell on the skin.
The U.S. Postal Service is reportedly considering raising the price of a stamp. Right now a stamp is 37-cents, and they’re doing a study to see if there’s an even more annoying amount. Like 43 cents. Then you’ll need a quarter, a dime, a nickel and three pennies.
Some sad news here at NBC. The show "LAX" has been canceled. Actually, we don’t use the word "canceled." They said the show departed ahead of schedule.
It was kind of cruel how they told the cast and crew. They walked on the set and said, "The exits are located here, here and here."
Clay Aiken is doing a Christmas special for NBC. In a touching scene, he helps the poor and unfortunate: Justin Guarini.
Michael Jackson’s brother Jermaine Jackson has filed for divorce from his wife. Here’s the odd part: Michael has asked for custody of the children.
Letterman
Dan Rather is going to retire in May. He is stepping down after 24 years. That makes it official – I’m now the weirdest guy on CBS!
Don’t worry about Dan. In 2009 he takes over for Jay Leno.
How about Oprah Winfrey? On Monday everybody in her audience received $15,000 in free gifts. What’s the matter ... did you run out of cars, you cheapskate?!
Did you hear about this guy in Maine? He was driving a truck, but naked. He drove through three towns naked, in the wrong direction, and was speeding before crashing into a police car. Driving naked, the wrong way and speeding. Basically, this guy is me without a show.
New York Governor George Pataki might be the next director of Homeland Security. He’s at home right now memorizing the color chart.
President Bush has asked for a 50 percent increase in the number of spies and intelligence at the CIA. Apparently he’s not getting enough memos to ignore.
Martha Stewart has been in prison now for seven weeks. She’ll be spending Thanksgiving in prison instead of with family. Some people have all the luck!
Conan
Ron Artest has been giving a lot of interviews since it was announced he’s been suspended from the NBA. He’s been spending his free time promoting his new rap CD. It’s the perfect holiday gift to hit someone over the head with.
There was a jewel robbery at Ozzy Osbourne’s house. Police say it may have been an inside job. When Ozzy heard this, he became upset and asked, "Was it me?!" He then fell down and slept for nine days.
A 72-year-old great-grandma that works in the CIA is heading to Iraq. When asked about going to Iraq, the grandma said, "It’s been a long time since I’ve been to Mesopotamia."
