Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Leno
Earlier this week, President Bush nominated Alberto Gonzales to be the next attorney general of the United States. Boy, little Alberto has come a long way since he lost his mother trying to get here from Cuba, didn’t he? I’m sorry. That was Elian Gonzalez. I’m sorry.
President Bush said he will push to have a constitutional amendment stating that marriage is to be between a man and a woman. Bush said this is his mandate to prevent man dates!
Finally, it’s against the law to kill your wife in California again.
As I’m sure you know by now, Scott Peterson was found guilty of first degree murder in the killing of his wife. Which is good news ... unless you’re Robert Blake. Then it’s terrible news.
This should keep O.J. from moving back to L.A.
Earlier today the jury found Scott guilty of first degree murder, second degree murder and fishing without a license.
They said – it’s so bizarre, you can never explain these things – they said Peterson did it because he felt trapped in married life and he wanted to have sex with other people. Well, he’ll have that opportunity now.
Here’s some good news - Israel said they’re now ready to negotiate with Yasser Arafat.
As you know, Yasser Arafat died earlier this week in Paris. And in lieu of flowers the Arafat family asked that everyone just throw rocks.
Did you see Arafat’s funeral? What kind of funeral was that? People all dressed in black shooting guns in the air? It was like tailgating before a Raiders game.
Some Arab countries are upset about who we’re sending to Arafat’s funeral. They say we’re not showing enough respect. Bush didn’t go. Cheney didn’t go. Secretary of State Colin Powell did not go. You know who’s representing the United States at the funeral? It’s Carrot Top.
Anybody watch the funeral today? I saw it. You know, I actually started to tear up when Cat Stevens sang "Candle in the Wind."
Some Palestinians are accusing Arafat’s wife of only being interested in Arafat’s money. Well, come on, she knew those good looks were going to fade one day.
Tony Blair met with President Bush at the White House yesterday. Did you see their press conference? They’re kind of like the before-and-after commercial for hooked on phonics.
Madonna has called for U.S. troops to pull out of Iraq. That shows you times have changed. Remember the old days when people used to call for U.S. troops to pull out of Madonna?
This is my favorite story of the week. Liza Minelli’s former bodyguard is suing her, claiming Liza forced him to have sex with her in order to keep his job. Imagine that. Forced to have sex with Liza? I mean she didn’t even make her last husband do that.
Letterman
If you don’t mind, I’d like to get this over in a hurry because right now Mom is holding a place in line for me to see "The Seed of Chucky."
You can tell the holidays are close. You can feel it. Today a 70-foot Norway spruce was selected as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. What says the holidays better then the destruction of a 200-year-old miracle of nature?
It’s enormous. The tree is huge. They lash it down and then bring it to New York City on a barge. It’s the same way they brought Michael Moore to the Republican convention.
Here’s something you don’t know. You’ve all been too busy with your own lives to notice. This is week five of Martha Stewart in jail. Martha has been keeping busy. She just filmed her Thanksgiving special, "Thanksgiving in Lockdown."
Hillary Clinton may run for president in 2008. Bill Clinton is so excited about this he’s already interviewing for White House interns.
Earlier this week, President Bush nominated Alberto Gonzales to be the next attorney general of the United States. Boy, little Alberto has come a long way since he lost his mother trying to get here from Cuba, didn’t he? I’m sorry. That was Elian Gonzalez. I’m sorry.
President Bush said he will push to have a constitutional amendment stating that marriage is to be between a man and a woman. Bush said this is his mandate to prevent man dates!
Finally, it’s against the law to kill your wife in California again.
As I’m sure you know by now, Scott Peterson was found guilty of first degree murder in the killing of his wife. Which is good news ... unless you’re Robert Blake. Then it’s terrible news.
This should keep O.J. from moving back to L.A.
Earlier today the jury found Scott guilty of first degree murder, second degree murder and fishing without a license.
They said – it’s so bizarre, you can never explain these things – they said Peterson did it because he felt trapped in married life and he wanted to have sex with other people. Well, he’ll have that opportunity now.
Here’s some good news - Israel said they’re now ready to negotiate with Yasser Arafat.
As you know, Yasser Arafat died earlier this week in Paris. And in lieu of flowers the Arafat family asked that everyone just throw rocks.
Did you see Arafat’s funeral? What kind of funeral was that? People all dressed in black shooting guns in the air? It was like tailgating before a Raiders game.
Some Arab countries are upset about who we’re sending to Arafat’s funeral. They say we’re not showing enough respect. Bush didn’t go. Cheney didn’t go. Secretary of State Colin Powell did not go. You know who’s representing the United States at the funeral? It’s Carrot Top.
Anybody watch the funeral today? I saw it. You know, I actually started to tear up when Cat Stevens sang "Candle in the Wind."
Some Palestinians are accusing Arafat’s wife of only being interested in Arafat’s money. Well, come on, she knew those good looks were going to fade one day.
Tony Blair met with President Bush at the White House yesterday. Did you see their press conference? They’re kind of like the before-and-after commercial for hooked on phonics.
Madonna has called for U.S. troops to pull out of Iraq. That shows you times have changed. Remember the old days when people used to call for U.S. troops to pull out of Madonna?
This is my favorite story of the week. Liza Minelli’s former bodyguard is suing her, claiming Liza forced him to have sex with her in order to keep his job. Imagine that. Forced to have sex with Liza? I mean she didn’t even make her last husband do that.
Letterman
If you don’t mind, I’d like to get this over in a hurry because right now Mom is holding a place in line for me to see "The Seed of Chucky."
You can tell the holidays are close. You can feel it. Today a 70-foot Norway spruce was selected as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. What says the holidays better then the destruction of a 200-year-old miracle of nature?
It’s enormous. The tree is huge. They lash it down and then bring it to New York City on a barge. It’s the same way they brought Michael Moore to the Republican convention.
Here’s something you don’t know. You’ve all been too busy with your own lives to notice. This is week five of Martha Stewart in jail. Martha has been keeping busy. She just filmed her Thanksgiving special, "Thanksgiving in Lockdown."
Hillary Clinton may run for president in 2008. Bill Clinton is so excited about this he’s already interviewing for White House interns.
