Friday, November 26, 2004
Leno
Dan Rather announced that he’s stepping down as the anchor of the CBS Evening News. I had a feeling something was coming yesterday when he signed off with, "I’m Dan Rather and you can all bite me.”
Before we get started, I want to make an announcement. To avoid any trouble, we’re cutting off beer sales after the seventh monologue joke to avoid any trouble.
But he’s not leaving show business. I guess he has a lot of offers. He might host the show "Ripley’s Believe It or Not."
I guess you heard, Dan Rather announced today that he’s stepping down as anchor of the CBS News. Though rather said he hasn’t been able to verify it yet. So it’s not official…
He uses all those Texas expressions. He said "He’d leave when the kettle starts whistling at the frying pan.” What does that mean?
Dan Rather said he looks forward to working as an investigative reporter "full time”. See, that’s how the whole forged documents story happened. He was only investigating part time. If he had been working on it full time it would have never happened.
He’s been there 24 years. That’s longer than any other news anchor. Walter Cronkite was only 19 years. When he started at CBS News, Andy Rooney’s eyebrows were only a foot long.
Finally some good news for Mike Tyson. He was drafted by the Pacers.
You know when I saw the footage of that fight at the NBA game last Friday, I really got confused. I figured, oh, thank God they settled the hockey strike.
Here’s some good news: police in Detroit have identified the man who threw the cup of beer on Artest. What’s really scary? Police went to his house today, and found a stockpile of 300 cups, and beer-making materials.
Let me tell you something, this thing is a huge pr nightmare for the NBA. In fact, they’re now calling Kobe’s arrest, "the good ol’ days”.
Bad news for Chicago Bulls fans. Not one of their players was suspended for the year. They gotta keep playing
The penalty phase in the Scott Peterson trial has now been delayed until after Thanksgiving. You know we Americans, we like to fatten them up before we kill them.
After pressure from the United States, it looks like up to 80% of Iraq’s debt will be forgiven by creditors. In a related story, today Donald Trump begged President Bush to invade his casinos. "Could you invade my casinos?!”
According to a new study in Japan, heavy computer use may be linked to eye disease. Isn’t that amazing? Now there’s two ways to go blind looking at porn.
Dennis Rodman is playing professional basketball again and they’re saying he could be back in the NBA by Christmas. Finally a voice of reason in pro sports.
In an interview in "Jane” magazine, 18 year old Lindsay Lohan said she actually enjoyed being in the hospital for exhaustion because she couldn’t work and nobody bothered her. Wow, is she going to love turning 40 in Hollywood.
"American Idol” runner up Clay Aiken has postponed three concerts on his Christmas tour because of vocal chord problems caused by an infection. A vocal chord problem? To which Ashlee Simpson said, "Why would that stop a concert?”
Letterman
The New York City Police Department has busted up a mob controlled limousine line. I think I rode in one of those limos once from the airport. I had to ride in the trunk.
If you’re visiting New York City, don’t worry you don’t have to take a mob limo. You can take an al-Qaeda run cab.
A company in Chicago has made the world’s largest slab of fudge. Its 2100 pounds! 2100 pounds of fudge. So between that and the wedding it’s been a couple of exciting weeks for Star Jones!
President Bush apparently ignored an intel memo on the Indiana Pacers.
On eBay a ten year old grilled cheese sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary on it was sold for $28,000. And for an extra buck they threw in a drink and fries.
Dan Rather is stepping down in March from CBS News. He will be replaced by Conan O’Brien.
Conan
Ron Artest is still in the news. This morning he appeared on the "Today Show” to talk about his season ending suspension. There was a tense moment when he asked Matt Lauer if the people in the window were bothering him.
Yesterday Oprah surprised 300 people in her audience by giving them all a free washer and dryer. In a related story, more shocking was that 300 people were in the audience for the Maury Povich Show.
Dan Rather announced that he’s stepping down as the anchor of the CBS Evening News. I had a feeling something was coming yesterday when he signed off with, "I’m Dan Rather and you can all bite me.”
Before we get started, I want to make an announcement. To avoid any trouble, we’re cutting off beer sales after the seventh monologue joke to avoid any trouble.
But he’s not leaving show business. I guess he has a lot of offers. He might host the show "Ripley’s Believe It or Not."
I guess you heard, Dan Rather announced today that he’s stepping down as anchor of the CBS News. Though rather said he hasn’t been able to verify it yet. So it’s not official…
He uses all those Texas expressions. He said "He’d leave when the kettle starts whistling at the frying pan.” What does that mean?
Dan Rather said he looks forward to working as an investigative reporter "full time”. See, that’s how the whole forged documents story happened. He was only investigating part time. If he had been working on it full time it would have never happened.
He’s been there 24 years. That’s longer than any other news anchor. Walter Cronkite was only 19 years. When he started at CBS News, Andy Rooney’s eyebrows were only a foot long.
Finally some good news for Mike Tyson. He was drafted by the Pacers.
You know when I saw the footage of that fight at the NBA game last Friday, I really got confused. I figured, oh, thank God they settled the hockey strike.
Here’s some good news: police in Detroit have identified the man who threw the cup of beer on Artest. What’s really scary? Police went to his house today, and found a stockpile of 300 cups, and beer-making materials.
Let me tell you something, this thing is a huge pr nightmare for the NBA. In fact, they’re now calling Kobe’s arrest, "the good ol’ days”.
Bad news for Chicago Bulls fans. Not one of their players was suspended for the year. They gotta keep playing
The penalty phase in the Scott Peterson trial has now been delayed until after Thanksgiving. You know we Americans, we like to fatten them up before we kill them.
After pressure from the United States, it looks like up to 80% of Iraq’s debt will be forgiven by creditors. In a related story, today Donald Trump begged President Bush to invade his casinos. "Could you invade my casinos?!”
According to a new study in Japan, heavy computer use may be linked to eye disease. Isn’t that amazing? Now there’s two ways to go blind looking at porn.
Dennis Rodman is playing professional basketball again and they’re saying he could be back in the NBA by Christmas. Finally a voice of reason in pro sports.
In an interview in "Jane” magazine, 18 year old Lindsay Lohan said she actually enjoyed being in the hospital for exhaustion because she couldn’t work and nobody bothered her. Wow, is she going to love turning 40 in Hollywood.
"American Idol” runner up Clay Aiken has postponed three concerts on his Christmas tour because of vocal chord problems caused by an infection. A vocal chord problem? To which Ashlee Simpson said, "Why would that stop a concert?”
Letterman
The New York City Police Department has busted up a mob controlled limousine line. I think I rode in one of those limos once from the airport. I had to ride in the trunk.
If you’re visiting New York City, don’t worry you don’t have to take a mob limo. You can take an al-Qaeda run cab.
A company in Chicago has made the world’s largest slab of fudge. Its 2100 pounds! 2100 pounds of fudge. So between that and the wedding it’s been a couple of exciting weeks for Star Jones!
President Bush apparently ignored an intel memo on the Indiana Pacers.
On eBay a ten year old grilled cheese sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary on it was sold for $28,000. And for an extra buck they threw in a drink and fries.
Dan Rather is stepping down in March from CBS News. He will be replaced by Conan O’Brien.
Conan
Ron Artest is still in the news. This morning he appeared on the "Today Show” to talk about his season ending suspension. There was a tense moment when he asked Matt Lauer if the people in the window were bothering him.
Yesterday Oprah surprised 300 people in her audience by giving them all a free washer and dryer. In a related story, more shocking was that 300 people were in the audience for the Maury Povich Show.
